Mid-Winter Update

I would totally update more if I could do it from my phone.  It should be easy to upload picture from my phone to Blogger, but for some reason, I can’t figure out how to do it.

 Anyway, it’s been a fun winter Season.  I am *loving* being the mom of my  2 girls.  And I’m so blessed by how much my little girls love each other.  I’ve almost forgotten all the pain and frustration of infertility – my family brings me so much joy!

    Micah took Leah Rae to the “Sugar Plum Ball” for the first time this year.  It’s a fundraiser for the local hospital and it’s basically a formal dance for Daddies and Daughters.  Micah’s siblings have taken their girls for years, so he was just waiting for Leah to be old enough to go.   We took her to buy a dress and shoes – which is so fun in itself.  She would put on a dress and then prance out the the 3 way mirror and dance around.  We knew we had found “the” dress by the look on her face when she saw herself.  We bought her a little “tiara” and I curled her hair for the event.  (We had one unhappy moment when she reached up and grabbed the curling iron, burning her hand.  I felt SO bad!)  I’m not sure who had more fun, Leah or her Daddy!

 
   Christmas was super special too.  Sadie (6 mos old) got a little activity table.  As soon as we walked into the living room, Leah said “look, Sadie this is for you” and started playing with her sister for a solid 3-4 minutes before looking around and asking “are there presents for me?”  It sweet to see her excitement with her sister’s gift.  OF course, Leah got some great gifts too, including a Doc McStuffins clinic and the ultra-coveted “Elsa doll.”  (Leah also wanted an Anna doll, so she saved her “chore” money – she feeds the dog and picks up her toys – and then spent her ‘own’ money for the Anna doll.) Here are some fun Christmas pictures – these girls are truly ‘gifts’ to our family!

 

 
 

 
 

 
 

    Leah (3 years old) is still a wonderful big sister.  She loves to help take care of Sadie and cheers for her when she does new things.  She was so proud when Sadie started to crawl.  Sadie has also started to eat “food.”  I’m doing more of a “baby-led weaning” thing this time.  With Leah, I made all of her baby food and dutifully started with rice cereal and then veggie purees, etc.  Sadie… not so much.  I tried to start with oatmeal, but she is an independent girl and kept grabbing the food to try to feed herself.  So now, I pretty much put food on her tray and let her go to town.  Usually, I give her whatever vegetable we’re eating, but she’s had bread and rice too.  It’s easier, but messier.  It took a while for her to manage to realize the food goes in her mouth, but now she’s getting the hang of it.  I’m subscribing to the adage that “food before one is just for fun.”  Her main nutrition is still breastmilk – she’s still nursing like a champ – so I don’t stress about what she’s eating or how much.  I’m much more relaxed about feeding this time around.  Some of that could be because this child is so big, strong and healthy.  (Leah was always a little underweight.)

 

 

 

  Here are a few other cute pictures that capture my family.  I certainly treasure these moments!

 

                                                (Sadie and Eli - our dog - are BFFs)

So - that's our update.  I enjoy keeping up with everyone else's family.  Happy Winter!

Catching up: My two blessings!

So, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve updated.  I know, I’m a horrible blogger.  The same thing happened when I was pregnant with Leah – the morning sickness hit and I fell off the face of the earth.)  And now that baby is here, I spend lots of time on my phone while nursing, reading everyone else’s blogs, but I haven’t taken time on a real computer to update.  However, I’m inspired by Jess’s update; I loved reading about her girls and thought you all might like to hear about mine.

So, first of all: Here is my precious baby girl, Sadie Faith.  (I know – the hair!!!)

My pregnancy was similar to the first one; I was horribly sick until 20ish weeks and then felt great until the end, which was past 41 weeks.  I was hoping for a natural, unmedicated birth and I mostly got that.  I was scheduled for induction at 41w3d, but was grateful to go into labor on my own that morning.  I labored and delivered unmedicated, but then things went awry due to a shoulder dystocia.  (Head came out, shoulder got stuck.)  That was terrifying and really sucked to deal with without an epidural.  But my midwife was calm and awesome.  (Sadie was nearly 9lbs – which we never anticipated.) Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged pretty badly and needed a double dose of Stadol so the midwife could go in and pull out clots.  I was so very ‘out of it’ in the first few hours of my daughter’s life – and I hated that.  I refused to let anyone come to meet the baby until I was stable and coherent – which ended up being the next day. 

               Leah Rae was so excited to meet her sister.  As my in-laws brought her in the next day, she ran through the hospital yelling “Sadie?  Where are you?” I was impressed at how much she understood, since she wasn’t even 3 yet.  She really “got” that there was a baby in Mommy’s belly and she was being born so we could have her on the outside with us.  And she’s such a great big sister – almost too helpful.  I left my two week old baby on the bed for just a minute so I could use the bathroom and told Leah to watch her.  (It’s not like she was rolling yet.) Sadie started fussing and I came back to this:

               “I burping her Mommy.” Good thing Sadie had amazing head control right from the beginning!

I haven’t seen acting out or potty regression or anything that I was warned about.  Sometimes Leah will say “Sadie wants to nap.  Put her down” when she wants my attention, but that’s really it.  She really loves her sister.  And Sadie loves her big sister too.  She stops fussing when Leah sings to her and she gets the biggest smile ever when Leah talks to her.  I’m so blessed by how my children love each other and I hope I don’t screw that up as they grow. 

  

               Sadie is 4 months old now. She’s a healthy chunky monkey weighing over 14lbs already.  (Such a change from my first baby – Leah was  -and still is- a skinny kid.)  She’s wearing 6 month clothes already; in fact, I just got the 6-9 and 9 mos bin of clothes out.  She breastfeeds like a champ.  She sleeps 7 hours at night.  She’s super content all the time.  She’s a dream baby.

Except – she won’t drink from a bottle.  I tried introducing it around 2 weeks and she refused.  I kept trying – different bottles, different people feeding, different situations – and she is NOT interested.  I was able to stay home until she was 3 months old, which was awesome – but she STILL didn’t take a bottle when I went back to work.  She starved herself at first, but now she’ll take a few ounces while I’m gone.  She pretty much takes the edge off her hunger and waits for me to come home.  The girl just wants her milk straight from the tap.  Lol.  (In the meantime, I’ve got 300+ ounces of milk stored that I may never use b/c I’m still pumping more than she takes.  Gotta pump at work – she can go all day without nursing, but I cannot. I may look into donating it to the local NICU.) 

               Leah Rae is now a sweet adorable 3 year old.  It’s amazing to think that, when I started this blog, Leah was just a frozen embryo needing a family.  (And equally amazing to think that we almost gave up on embryo adoption after 4 failed FETs, but God knew that He wanted Sadie to be in our family.)

Leah loves to draw and paint.  She can almost write her name.  (She writes the letters, but not in a line or in the right order.) She is in gymnastics and she *loves* it.  She likes to perform and if we laugh at something she does, she’ll do it over and over.  She picks up on everything we say – and she has an incredible memory.    She loves Doc McStuffins and Minnie Mouse.  In fact, she wanted to be Doc McStuffins for Halloween – which was great because we had everything we needed for a costume.  I thought I was going to get away without buying costumes this year, since we also have several hand-me-down infant costumes.  But Leah requested that Sadie be dressed as “Lambie” (Doc McStuffins’ toy) and we couldn’t resist.

               Much of the summer was a blur with nursing and baby care, but we did get out more in the Fall and create some family memories.  We took the girls to a Yankees game in September.  We wanted Sadie to be able to say she saw Derek Jeter play.  She was 8 weeks old, but at least she can say she was there. Lol  Here are some fun pictures!

               I am determined to keep up with blogging.  (I know, I keep saying that.)  I love reading about everyone’s family.  You all have been a great support to me – and you’ve been my ‘friends’ since before most of us had kids.  It’s fun to keep up with the kids as they grow.  Really, I’ll do better!

A little worried....

It’s been a rough few weeks.  Just like last time, the “morning” sickness is kicking my tail.  I’m so happy to be pregnant and I’m so thrilled to be having this child… … … but I wish I could bypass the sickness part.  As Micah gave me my PIO shot this morning, I told him “I would take these shots every day for the entire pregnancy if I could just not be sick – can’t I trade?”  It’s just not fair – after everything we go through to have a child, couldn’t we have easy pregnancies?  

OK – enough whining!  Things seem to be going well.  I’m a little worried about our last ultrasound though.  A week ago, the baby was measuring a little ahead at 6w6d.  (I was 6w4d)  This week, the baby was measuring 7w0d (at 7w4d).  The nurse that did that measuring wasn’t concerned about this week’s measurement.  She said these machines could be off of several days to a week.  And she was able to measure the heartbeat at a healthy 166bpm.  She said all is well.

But when I got home, I started looking at the numbers.  Last week the baby was 9.1mm and this week it was 9.9mm.  She MUST have measured wrong, right?  Did my baby really only grow .9mm??  It’s supposed to grow that much every day, not every week!  Yet, I don’t think baby stopped growing.  There was definitely a strong heartbeat – and the blob looks  bigger this week.  I’m hoping it was just a mistake.  I’m trying to not stress – the nurse wasn’t worried.  But then again, a different person does the ultrasound every week – so maybe she didn’t realize there was little growth.  Micah’s not worried because the nurse said it was ok.  And I’m still really sick – getting worse – so that has  to mean that everything is progressing, right?  I’m trying to be positive.  I can’t believe that God would bring us this far to have the pregnancy fail……

On another note – part of my sickness is due to sinus issues – I’m super stuffed up and there’s a ton of (TMI alert) post-nasal drip that I keep swallowing.  I’m sure that’s contributing to the ‘gonna-puke-any-minute’ feeling.  I keep thinking it’s going to get better, but it’s not.  I’m wondering if it’s time to go to the doctor and get an antibiotic.  (I don’t have an OB yet, so it’d be from Urgent Care.)  I’m a little afraid b/c it’s so early in the pregnancy.  I really don’t want to take drugs that could potentially affect my baby.  But I also don’t know if this infection will take care of itself.  I’m so torn…..

So, that’s my update.  Thanks for keeping us in your prayers!

Yup, still pregnant

   After so many failures and losses, I have trouble believing that this pregnancy is for real. I'm waiting for something bad to happen, so I'm over analyzing every little thing.  My progesterone level was only 20 last week (it was 40 earlier).  20 is still totally normal, the nurse wasn't even slightly concerned - but it freaked me out.  And the gestational sac was smaller than it was with Leah - so of course I "researched" (i.e. read stuff online)  and discovered that it's the bottom end of normal for this point.  So - that means normal.  But yet, I worry.  Why am I such a worrywart?  I don't want to be that person!

     I don't know how I can even doubt my pregnancy with the awful morning sickness I've been having.  With Leah, I got really sick; I could barely function, even with Zofran around the clock - up until week 17.  I was in the ER twice (b/c I was trying to not take so much Zofran) due to severe dehydration b/c I couldn't keep water down.  I was really hoping this pregnancy would be different.  But... ... not so much.

I'm just barely 6 weeks now - and while I haven't thrown up, I'm nauseous ALL the time.  I'm eating crackers every hour it seems b/c it keeps me from puking.  I'm already unbuttoning my pants and looking forward to wearing maternity pants.  I remember this from last time too.  My pants pressing against my abdomen made me feel more nauseous.  

But you know what?  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I am SO grateful to be pregnant.  All this sickness just reminds me that there's a little life growing inside of me - and I'm so thankful for this miracle.

Here's a pic of our little one:  (well, the sac the little one will grow in)

I have another ultrasound next week - hopefully we'll see the little heartbeat along with the fetal pole and yolk sac.  And hopefully, I will be able to rest assured that God really is gifting us with a second miracle!

I'm really pregnant!!!

    This is really happening!!  After getting two pink lines on Friday, I had my blood draw and the beta number came back at 158.  That's even stronger than Leah's beta was.  I know I shouldn't compare pregnancies, but after our dragged out miscarriage a while back, I'm just happy to have such a high number.  The second draw was yesterday and came back at 738!!!  So, yeah - I'm pregnant.  And my progesterone was around 40 both times, which is a relief too.  
   We told both of our parents yesterday, which was so much fun.  I'm making a Shutterfly book of Leah's second year and I've been showing my MIL the book as I've worked on it.  (We made a video of her 1st year, but now I want to go back and make a book for that year too.  And a book of her embryo adoption story.  I'm a bit behind.....)  Anyway,  I added a page that says that "Leah will become a big sister in June."  She and my FIL were looking at the book and when they got to that page, they just stared at it for the longest time before asking "is this for real?"  Yep - it's for real.
   My mom came up to visit last night as well and we had a "big sister in training" T-shirt on Leah.  She was equally as shocked.  We told the siblings today  - and that's it for a while.  I'm not ready to tell the world yet.  It's still so early - though I have to believe that God will complete this miracle and bless us with this baby.  (or babies, we don't know yet.)
   I have my first ultrasound scheduled next week, so I'm excited to see a nice dark blob on the grey screen!  I might have to pee on a stick again between now and then, just to make sure I'm still pregnant.  It seems so far away....

Thank you again for all of your prayers!

So THIS is what that's like.....

You know, when you pee on a stick and see TWO PINK LINES!!!!!
In 4 1/2 years of trying to have children, this has never happened to us. Until today!!!!
(Well, we tested after the + beta with Leah but that doesn't count.)

Yes, ladies- I am pregnant. It didn't even take the full 3 min and I didn't have to squint to see the line. It is 9dp5dt after all.  Today is my beta. I'm actually sitting in the hospital waiting room now- at 6am- for my blood draw.  I'll go down to the Fertilty Clinic in Syracuse for beta #2 - mostly so I can celebrate with the staff.

We haven't told anybody in real life. We're dreaming up plans for that- were hoping to surprise our family since we didn't tell most of them about this cycle.

Today, the secret is between Micah and I (and now you.)  I know that so much could still go wrong. But today, we rejoice in God's gift of life!!!  Thank you all for your prayers.

When to test.....

   Waiting is hard.  You've all been there!  I recently read through my blog entries from our first transfer with Leah – and I have this same sentiment:  as difficult as it is to wait, it’s easier than getting a BFN and having this all be over.  We prayed so much for these embryos – like all the others, we believe they are a miraculous gift.  If this cycle is negative, we have nothing:  no more money, no more embryos.  Of course, we’re praying that THIS is the time we get our BFP. 

     So, on the subject of BFPs… … … I’m not sure when to test. With Leah, we didn’t test until after the positive beta.  With the others, we tested early and got all negatives.  I’m not sure seeing a negative HPT is any better than just waiting it out. The difference is that this time, Micah and I won’t be together when the clinic calls with the results.  We used to both take the day off and travel to Syracuse and then spend the day together waiting for the phone call.  But we really don’t have the time for that.  I’m going to do the blood test at our local hospital at 6am before I go to work.  And then be working when they call.  And then play phone tag.  Sounds exciting, no?

    The beta is this Friday (9dp5dt.)  I’ll likely test that morning just so when know what to expect when they call.  But… … today is 6dp5dt – I could  potentially get a positive result today – or tomorrow.  I just can’t decide if I want to do that to myself or not. 

            In an effort to think positively, I got my “pregnancy ring” out and started wearing it.  When I was pregnant with Leah, my fingers swelled so much that I had to stop wearing my wedding rings so I bought a different ring to wear on my wedding finger instead.  It’s a small silver band that says “everything is possible when you have faith.”  I am wearing it on my right hand this time (for now at least.)  I don’t know if I would swell this time since it’s winter, but I will wear the ring throughout my pregnancy.  Let’s just pray that I don’t have to take it off on Friday!

If I decide to test early, I will certainly let you all know.  Stay tuned…… ...

Transfer: complete

I'm officially "pregnant until proven otherwise!"  Now I can make jokes like "I'm eating for 4" (since we transferred 3 embies.)  Meet our newest babies:

None of them look particularly amazing to me, but maybe that doesn't mean anything.  (I studied embryology in college, but maybe I don't know as much as I think I do.)  The doctor said they are beautiful.  Of course, he always says that.  The bottom line is that we don't know which little frozen lives God intends to live here on earth - hopefully 1 (or 2) of these little guys will join our family.

It's been a great day - if nothing else, it was nice to relax.  We slept in a little, dropped Leah off at the sitters and had a nice drive to Syracuse.  Some of our favorite nurses assisted with the transfer.  Our RE is a little fruity - but we only see him on transfer day anyway.  We stopped for a quick lunch and I've been on the couch ever since.  Leah sat and cuddled with me while watching "Super Why" for a little while - that was a sweet moment.
   Speaking of my "fruity" RE - I took some pics of the transfer room to show you all.  This guy is *really* into Eastern philosophy and "zen" type stuff.  He has acupuncturists on staff; they will even come into your transfer room before and after for treatment.  (I tried that last time - didn't like it.)  He built a spa attached to the clinic with a massage therapy, a yoga room, etc.  As a result, the transfer procedure rooms look like a spa treatment room.  It's an interesting juxtaposition of medical equipment and spa elegance.

 The bureau where the set out the med supplies (and keep blankets, sheets, etc.) is nicer than my dressers at home.  Even the wastebasket is a nice rattan matching basket.  The door to the embryology lab is a gorgeous wood/frosted glass - it's really well thought out.

They don't use stirrups for the transfer, you just set you feet on the bed.  The ultrasound machine looks funny in contrast to the decor.  They even give you a warm blanket to cover up during the procedure.
   
 I know we are fortunate to have such a relaxing, friendly clinic.  However, the FET success rates are far below national average.  I would prefer a sterile, clinical environment if it meant a better chance of success.  Part of the reason that the success rate is low is that they freeze every embryo that doesn't die on it's own - regardless of quality.  So, let's just hope that these little "embabies" are good quality and that they are snuggling in for a healthy 9 months........ 

It's real now

I'm transferring tomorrow.  It's become real.  I can take Estrace 3x a day and not feel like this is really happening, but once you stick that PIO needle in your rear - reality hits!  (In my exhausted stupor yesterday, I got the needles mixed up and injected with the 18 gauge... ...ouch!) 
   Plans are all set for tomorrow.  I've scheduled for a substitute and left all the plans.  (I swear it's more work to be absent than it is to show up and teach.)  Micah is showing a video at youth group tomorrow night so that I can stay home and rest on the couch.  I've got a brisket all ready to cook in the crockpot so I can have a yummy ready-made meal when I come home from the clinic.  There is so much anticipation; I'm trying hard to get excited.  But somehow, I'm still guarding my heart.  I'm mustering up all the faith that I can manage to believe that God is going to do something good here.  I have to trust that He sees the big picture where I only see a little dot.
   We haven't told people about this cycle; except my brother and sister in law.  They've been through infertility, so they "get" our emotional roller coaster.  But we didn't tell anyone else in the family.  I keep thinking that it'll be fun to 'surprise' them with a pregnancy announcement if all goes well.  We just want to be able to find a creative way to announce our pregnancy just like the fertile people get to.  Though the last few cycles haven't worked - and it's not any easier to tell the family "we tried again and failed."  Hopefully this time we won't have to say that!  Maybe THIS will be they cycle that our dream comes true...

Lining looks good - transfer set....

First of all - Congrats are in order for my Blogger friend Diane on the birth of her daughter Lucy!  I'm sure she's busy these days loving on her baby girl - but stop over and say congrats anyway...

OK - on to me.  I had my lining check today - 9mm and triple stripe.  All looks good.  I'll start my progesterone Friday night (both Crinone and PIO shots) and my transfer is next Wed - Oct 9th.  The nice thing about an FET is the flexibility.  That day worked best in terms of my lesson plans, so we were able to schedule it that day.  With all of my other transfers, I dropped everything in my life to schedule the fertility appointments.  This one, I'm just squeezing them in - the world is not coming to a stop.  Usually I take 2 days off of work for a transfer (day of and day after) - but not this time.  I'm just taking Wed off.  (But I did plan a video lesson for Thursday, so while I'm going back to work - it will be very low key.)
   The excitement is still kind of lacking.  Maybe it's because I'm so busy right now.  Maybe I'm jaded by the failures in the past year.  Though I will say - all of the positive news from my blogger friends is rather encouraging.  I'm sure if these babies stick, my excitement will go through the roof!

     On completely different note, my daughter just ran downstairs to tell me she went poopy on the potty!  She's getting pretty consistent about peeing on the potty (except when she's out and about and having too much fun to tell us...lol)  But poop has been a different story - so this is such great news.
   I've had so much fun watching all your kids grow up, that I realized that I could probably post a lot about my little Leah Rae.  After all, some of you knew/followed me back when we were going through our initial embryo adoption journey and when I got my BFP.  And now that BFP is 2.  TWO!!!  (Her birthday was last week - when did that happen??)  She's a sweet, smart little girl - super helpful and has a great sense of humor.  We are loving every day of being her parents!  (DIane - you think you love Lucy now.. ...just wait - every single day gets better and better, as hard as that is to imagine right now.)  Here are some recent pics:

...losing excitement in the journey....

Remember the first time you started a fertility cycle?  Remember how much joy and adventure and hope there was?  You were sad to be in that place where you needed to start a fertility cycle, but the hope of good things was the predominant feeling?  

   I remember getting this big 'ole box of meds in the mail that first time.  I opened it and looked at everything.  I marveled at the amount of meds I would be taking (and it was only a FET.)  I recall taking pics of the meds and the giant needles, wondering exactly what I was getting myself into.  But it was kinda... ... fun.  It was an adventure.  I even happily handed my husband the syringe for that first PIO shot.  I was excited about it!

Do you remember those days?

Our first cycle was cancelled b/c I ovulated on my own and they couldn't be sure when.  But we started again a few weeks later and our first complete cycle resulted in our beautiful, sweet Leah Rae.  That was nearly 3 years ago.  Since then, we've tried four more times with 1 miscarriage and 3 BFNs.  The excitement is gone.  The adventure is gone.  It doesn't even "feel" like I'm trying again.

Don't get me wrong - receiving these embryos was definitely a miracle.  And we are hopeful that God is going to bless these embryos (and us) with life.  But the journey isn't so exciting any longer.  My baseline b/w and ultrasound was all good.  I'm taking estrogen pills 3 times a day as well as aspirin and and prenatals.  (I had stopped the prenatals in complete frustration after the last BFN.)  But I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  My brain has so much hope, but my heart is so numb.  

   My lining check is next Wednesday.  If all looks good, they'll schedule the transfer for the following week.  Hopefully, I'll have mustered up some excitement by then... .... 

A miracle in progress

What a crazy time in our spiritual lives! 

     While we were struggling with the next steps that we might take in building our family, we found out that my sister-in-law is expecting Baby #5.  Learning of a pregnancy is always difficult for a couple dealing with infertility – but this one was especially rough.  She is not thrilled to be pregnant.  Nor does she seem to enjoy the 4 she has. Don’t get me wrong – she definitely loves her children and she takes great care of them.  She’s able to stay home instead of working and she provides a nice home for them, nearly any toy they want and they are all involved in activities of their choice.  She’s a good mom – but they seem to be a source of stress (and sometimes irritation) to her. Maybe I just don’t understand b/c I only have one, but she is often overwhelmed and rarely expresses joy at motherhood.  So, learning that she is expecting again was difficult for us.

     But God has taken us to a new place this time – perhaps because we are more willing now to look at His perspective.  I’m coming to understand that “the line is a dot” to me.  In the timeline of Eternity – or even in my lifetime, the moment that I’m experiencing is just a tiny dot.  I don’t see the big picture or how God intends to use our family to build His Kingdom.  Since I can’t see that – I can either trust that God does and accept my “dot” with joy, or I can be bitter and angry. Well, the bitterness thing didn’t work for me, so this time I’m learning to accept our struggle and trust that God sees the whole line.  As I seek God’s perspective, I am also coming to understand that His purpose is intimacy with us.  I can let sharing the disappointment of our situation draw me closer to God, just as adding another child might be the thing God uses to draw my sister-in-law closer to Himself.

    At the same time, Micah and I both had a sense that something special was about to happen in our lives.  That perhaps my SILs news was a ‘test’ of our reactions and attitudes.  We weren’t sure what that was, but we sensed a new season coming.  On a TMI note, my period is late this month.  (well, sort of.  I used to be like clockwork, but the last few cycles were really short, so I was expecting this one to be short too.)  I hate these days of running to the bathroom every few hours b/c I think I’m starting...  … more than actually having my period. Ugh.

    As I was driving home from work last week, I thought.  “How cool would it be if Micah was healed and I got pregnant?”  As I pondered that thought, I heard God ask “what is the greatest blessing I could give you right now?”  In the midst of financial struggle, family issues and Micah’s unemployment, my immediate answer was “to get pregnant: either naturally, or for Pati to call with embryos for us (that survive).” (She’s the donor coordinator at our clinic.)   Honestly, either would be a miracle; our clinic rarely has embryos needing a family.  And I truly have no preference for having genetic children.  I love my Leah’s embryo adoption story and I am passionate about EA.  In fact, that was my biggest concern with our donor sperm contemplations; I really do feel called to adopt already-created embryos.

  

            Yesterday, our miracle happened.  I finished teaching and picked up my phone to find a voicemail from Pati.  There are 3 embryos waiting for a chance at life.  She emailed to profile.  The patient who donated them used both an egg donor and a sperm donor – and had achieved pregnancy.  While we don’t know the grade – these are likely really good embryos.  And now they are ours. J  We are in shock.  God IS up to something special.  THIS is why my period is late. I can start this cycle in the next day or so, whenever it shows up.  This is God’s providential timing.  He has given the greatest blessing that I could have asked for.

     I’m assuming these embryos will result in a child.  While it’s hard to be positive after so many losses, I understand now that my attitude is a choice.  I can be guarded and afraid, but that doesn’t really minimize the disappointment.  My EA blogger friend Jess recently posted about how naïve she was with her first child and how much harder it is to be positive when the innocence is stripped away by so much loss.  I totally agree, but I’m going to try so hard to regain that naivety and believe that this is going to work.  God has brought us to this point and given us these embryos.  For that, I rejoice.  The line is a dot to me, and I’m going to be grateful in this moment for the gift of embryos and not worry yet about which way the line will go.

           Thank you all so much for your prayers.  Even though I don’t update a lot, I still feel like you all are my friends and I love reading your blogs.  Diane and Paula, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts on donor sperm.  I am so confident that both of your children will bring Glory to God and further his Kingdom.  Jess – I am stalking your blog to find out how many siblings Maddie is getting.  Tracy and Diane – I’m praying for healthy, safe delivery of your baby girls.  Paula – wishing you a healthy 9 months.  I promise to post more, now that I’m out of my spiritual funk; I was just so numb for so long.

Secondary Infertility - and other thoughts

     I’ve pretty  much dropped off the blogging scene - because I didn’t really have anything to say.  (I still read my friends’ blogs; I love keeping up with you all.)

We both felt really beaten down after our last failed FET.  Emotionally and spiritually, Micah and I were both bewildered and downtrodden.  It’s been a rough season.   We were SO sure that those embryos were providentially chosen for us - they seemed like a gift from God’s hand.  (Both sets: the Indian embryos and then the last failed set.)  It was just such a shock that none of them stuck.  We’ve had 4 failed FETs in the last 18 months.  It’s disheartening.   But we know that donor FETs work.  Our amazing, wonderful, sweet EA daughter will turn 2 next month.  We are so blessed to have her - I love being a mom even more than I thought I would.

     And that’s what makes this infertility so much more difficult.  I’m finding this ‘secondary infertility’ even more painful than it was before we had Leah.  I long so desperately to be pregnant again.  I want so much to give Leah a sibling - to nurse another child - to expand our family.  It’s just not working.  Our clinic had several sets of embryos available this summer - but we didn’t have enough money saved to ‘adopt’ them.  Now that we’ve figured out how to pay for our next embryo adoption, there are none available.  So we wait.  And wonder - should we even try again?  Most would be tempted to give up after 4 failed FETs.  But our first FET worked - so we’re 1 for 5.  (Our clinic’s success rates aren’t that great, so we should expect that.  The clinic freezes all embryos, not just the high quality ones - so in reality, we’re getting lower quality leftovers than other clinics.  We knew that going into it and we’re happy to give any embryo a chance.)  So, I guess we just wait and keep trying, right?

    Except that my husband threw me a curve ball this week.  He suggested we consider donor sperm.  We talked about that briefly in the beginning of our journey.  Financially, it makes the most sense.  Our insurance covers IUIs -so we’d only have to pay for the sperm (which is WAY cheaper than adopting embryos!)

But it didn’t feel right for us.  We felt called to adopt - and I’m perfectly fertile.  We really believed that God was going to create our family through embryo adoption.  And He did.   When we began to try for a 2nd child, we were stilll confident that this is how God was working.  Even after a few failed transfers, we still thought that.  But now we’re not so confident.  Maybe I need to be more open to God working differently than I thought.  Maybe God is working on our hearts to be ready for this option?

    I would LOVE to hear from you ladies; how did God lead you to the path you’re on??  (Especially Diane and Paula -I appreciate any thoughts you might share!)  I’m not sure if we’re truly being led in this direction or if we’re just considering taking the faster/cheaper way out.  I love to share Leah’s adoption story.  What would I tell this child (if we concieved?)  I have so many questions jumbled in my head... ... ...

Another BFN

That's all. I don't have much to say.

It only takes one, right?

After dragging and dragging, this cycle kicked into gear and we transferred our little embie yesterday.  I tried acupuncture this time, both before and after the transfer.  I'm not sure that I love acupuncture... ... but if it could possibly help, I'm willing to do it.  (For the money, though, I would much rather have a massage.)

   We had two embryos left, but only one survived the thaw.  (This is the first cycle we've  had one not make it.)  It's kind of discouraging.  I feel like our chances of success are much lower with one (as opposed to 2 or 3 embryos.)  The RE was optimistic though - he said the one we have looks really good.  He reminded us that it only takes one embryo to grow into a baby.

   I would have never chosen to do a single embryo transfer.  We are not alarmed by the risk of multiples - we would happily welcome twins.  All of our other transfers have been 2 or 3 embryos.  Doing the math, we've transferred 11 embryos and had 1 child.  So, it's hard to hold out hope for this little one.  But, as so many of you keep reminding me (which I'm so thankful for) - God knows which children He intends to use here on this earth and which will join Him immediately in Heaven.  And He could fully intend to bless us with this little one now resting in my womb.  Or not.  We'll just have to wait and see.

   The waiting is complicated by the fact that our clinic has a slew of donor embryos available right now.  There hardly ever have embryos - it's just not a well utilized program - and right now they actually have 5 different sets.  I so want to jump on them.  But it seems silly to spend a ton of money to reserve embryos right now when we don't know if we'll end up pregnant from this cycle.  But by the time we have our beta, they could all be gone - they go really fast b/c our clinic doesn't get many of them.  

   Micah thinks that we should just wait and let God work out the timing.  If we snatch up these embies, we are displaying a lack of faith in God.  If we are meant to grow those embryos in our family, then they will still be available if we get a BFN.  Or perhaps God will bless us with a BFP and none of this all matters.  It's just hard to sit and wait.  Waiting is always hard.

     

   I've spent yesterday and today relaxing on the couch.  Well, as much as I can with a toddler.  We had some friends watch Leah yesterday so I could have some time to rest after the transfer.  Things are about to get really busy in the next 2 weeks - so I'm trying to "store up" as much rest as I can... lol!

This is taking forever!

For some reason, it feels like this cycle is taking forever.  It feels like my baseline was so long ago - and my lining check is weeks away.  It's not - it's only days away, but it feels like weeks.  Usually, the time goes by really fast; I don't know what the difference is this time.  I'm just as busy as usual.  I've got just as much stuff on my mind.  I'm not really dwelling on the cycle and the waiting, but somehow it just seems to have dragged on.
   Maybe it's because I kind of feel like we're just going through the motions.  Since we have these 2 embryos left, we might as well give them a chance before we try to figure out what God has next for us.  I don't that's a poor mindset - but maybe a BFN will be less disappointing if I go through it with an indifferent attitude.
   Not much to say right now.  I'm doing my first acupuncture appointment right after our lining check next week.  I'll post more then......

Here we go again......

Once you go through numerous Embryo Adoption cycles, it's hard to get excited about them.  It's a strange balance - trying to be hopeful, yet aware of possibility of loss.  I was so hopeful last time - which ended in so much disappointment.  I'm much more indifferent this time.  So much so, in fact - that I've already started thinking past this cycle.

   So, we ended up doing the endometrial biopsy.  After much prayer, I decided that if God worked out the timing, we would do it.  And He did - so we did.  I took some extra painkillers and got through it.  It sucked in the moment - but it gives me confidence that I am doing everything I can for these last 2 embryos that have been entrusted to us.  

    I'm also trying acupuncture this time.  My RE recommends it so heavily that he offers it free on the day of transfer.  (He's really into Eastern Medicine and he has a "healing arts" center with massage, acupuncture and other spa amenities attached to the clinic.)  I was hesitant at first, but the more I researched and talked to some people, I feel good about it.  A friend of ours pointed out that the tiny needles actually cause micro-injury which brings new blood flow and healing agents to the area.  (Hmmm... same idea as the endometrial biopsy!)  The Bible has lots to say about new growth coming from pruning or cutting back existing stuff...  ... so I decided to embrace that thought, rather than all the other new age-y aspects of acupuncture.  Besides, people talk about how relaxing it is - and I'm definitely up for some relaxing.  (If nothing else, I lay on a table for an hour and do nothing - how often does that happen?)  My first appointment is next Monday and then I'll do it again the day of the transfer.  I know they recommend it for weeks ahead of time, but I just don't have time for that!

   

    We are IN our cycle already.  I'm taking the Lupron shots and Estrace.  The shots are funny - after doing the PIO with the giant needle, the Lupron feels like we're playing with a toy.  Those needles are so tiny in comparison.  It's actually kinda cute.

  My lining check is May 6th and I expect my transfer to be on the 13th - or near there.  Like I said, I'm kind of indifferent - we've just had 3 failed cycles in the past year.  (1 miscarriage and 2 failed FETs.)  On one hand, I really, really hope this cycle gives us another child.  But it's hard to hope.  I find some hope in the stories of my EA bloggy friends.  Jenn - your story is super encouraging in that your 3rd attempt resulted in your beautiful twins.  You are totally right - there is no way to predict which embryos will become children.  And Tracey, being pregnant with Jenn's kids' siblings - that's actually the 4th transfer from that batch, right?  So attempts 3 and 4 brought life to babies?  That encourages me.  But I'm still afraid to hope.  It's hard to explain.

   I've already started thinking about the "what if"s.  If this fails, we have no more embryos.  We will have failed with 2 different donors.  Do we keep trying???  Do we look into foster-adoption?  Or start the process for international adoption?  We've discussed those things before - and we intend to pursue them when our embryo-adopted kids are older (if we're in a better place financially.)  I hoped we'd have more than one EA child.  I thought we'd be better off financially by now.  But Micah keeps reminding me to take things one step at a time.  He's right.  I know I need to sink my focus into *this* transfer and pray for THESE embryos.  So - that's where I'm at.  Getting ready for another go at this whole embryo adoption process.  Thanks, everyone for your comments and your prayers.  I really do feel like I have a great set of friends here in the EA circle!!

What does it mean to trust God?

We've been asking ourselves this question a lot the past few weeks.  We trusted God to build our family - and it hasn't worked out quite like we'd hoped.  Which is ok - I really do want what God has planned for us.  I don't understand why He has allowed us to suffer the losses that He has - but again, I choose to follow Him even when I don't understand.

   The harder part is making decisions for the future.  I am willing to do whatever God leads us to do, but I'm not always sure what that is.  We have 2 embryos left.  Does "trusting God" mean that we just jump in and transfer them, believing that He will give them life if they are the children He has for us?  Or do we wait for a few months, perhaps get a second opinion on why I bleed early?  And what about the endometrial biopsy?  If I do it, is it because I'm trusting in statistics or grasping at anything that might work?  Does it demonstrate a lack of trust in God's providence?  Am I attempting to force God's hand my trying to make the embryo implant?  Or, on the other hand, is it me willing to do whatever it takes me give these little embryos a chance to live?  What does trusting God look like in this situation?

     This stuff has been mulling around in my head for the past few weeks.  In the meantime, I've been recording basal temps and doing OPKs in an attempt to figure out when I ovulate.  (Contemplating a natural cycle this time.)  I think I've made a discovery;  I have a somewhat short luteal phase.  Before we had our baby, I ovulated around day 18 - but my cycle was 32-33 days, so it was not a concern.  (I charted in great detail until we discovered Micah's disorder.)  When I got my cycles back after nursing Leah, it shortened to 28 days - sometimes even 27.  As I charted this cycle, I realized that I still ovulate around Day 18 - making my LP only 10 days.  So...  ...when I started bleeding at 5 days past transfer (= 10 days past ovulation), perhaps that WAS normal.  Maybe the doctor was right - I just started bleeding b/c the embryo didn't implant and my so it was time to shed the lining.  That actually makes me feel better.  Maybe there isn't something wrong after all.
    As we continued to pray, I set out a "fleece."  (You know, the Bible story in Judges where Gideon wants to be absolutely sure God was leading them in to battle, so he set a fleece cloth on the ground and ask God to make the ground wet with dew but keep the fleece dry, if it was in fact His will to go into battle.)  We considered whether to try again with the April cycle or wait till June.  (May wouldn't work b/c of travels.)  We considered the biopsy.  We would have to do the biopsy this week b/c of a youth group trip next week and work schedules before my next period.  So we prayed that if it was God's will to do it - they would be able to schedule it.  And they were.  They have an opening for tomorrow.  So, I guess I'm doing it.
    I am happy about it for 2 reasons.  One is that we can test the lining to make sure it's healthy.  And 2) at least I will be confident that we did everything possible to give these embryos a chance to survive in my womb.  I'm unhappy about it too - cuz I'm scared to death.  Silly me, I searched the Internet to see what I should expect and there are horror stories upon horror stories.  That test is painful!!!  Why wouldn't they put you out for something like that??  I am so scared and nervous about it.  But I finally decided that pain was not a good reason to NOT do it - I just need to suck it up.
   So, keep me in your prayers tomorrow.  I'll be so glad when it's all over.  I can't quite process that we're starting yet another cycle yet - the test is the only thing in my radar.  I'd love any words of wisdom that you all have... ... ...