Lining looks good - transfer set....

First of all - Congrats are in order for my Blogger friend Diane on the birth of her daughter Lucy!  I'm sure she's busy these days loving on her baby girl - but stop over and say congrats anyway...

OK - on to me.  I had my lining check today - 9mm and triple stripe.  All looks good.  I'll start my progesterone Friday night (both Crinone and PIO shots) and my transfer is next Wed - Oct 9th.  The nice thing about an FET is the flexibility.  That day worked best in terms of my lesson plans, so we were able to schedule it that day.  With all of my other transfers, I dropped everything in my life to schedule the fertility appointments.  This one, I'm just squeezing them in - the world is not coming to a stop.  Usually I take 2 days off of work for a transfer (day of and day after) - but not this time.  I'm just taking Wed off.  (But I did plan a video lesson for Thursday, so while I'm going back to work - it will be very low key.)
   The excitement is still kind of lacking.  Maybe it's because I'm so busy right now.  Maybe I'm jaded by the failures in the past year.  Though I will say - all of the positive news from my blogger friends is rather encouraging.  I'm sure if these babies stick, my excitement will go through the roof!

     On completely different note, my daughter just ran downstairs to tell me she went poopy on the potty!  She's getting pretty consistent about peeing on the potty (except when she's out and about and having too much fun to tell us...lol)  But poop has been a different story - so this is such great news.
   I've had so much fun watching all your kids grow up, that I realized that I could probably post a lot about my little Leah Rae.  After all, some of you knew/followed me back when we were going through our initial embryo adoption journey and when I got my BFP.  And now that BFP is 2.  TWO!!!  (Her birthday was last week - when did that happen??)  She's a sweet, smart little girl - super helpful and has a great sense of humor.  We are loving every day of being her parents!  (DIane - you think you love Lucy now.. ...just wait - every single day gets better and better, as hard as that is to imagine right now.)  Here are some recent pics:

...losing excitement in the journey....

Remember the first time you started a fertility cycle?  Remember how much joy and adventure and hope there was?  You were sad to be in that place where you needed to start a fertility cycle, but the hope of good things was the predominant feeling?  

   I remember getting this big 'ole box of meds in the mail that first time.  I opened it and looked at everything.  I marveled at the amount of meds I would be taking (and it was only a FET.)  I recall taking pics of the meds and the giant needles, wondering exactly what I was getting myself into.  But it was kinda... ... fun.  It was an adventure.  I even happily handed my husband the syringe for that first PIO shot.  I was excited about it!

Do you remember those days?

Our first cycle was cancelled b/c I ovulated on my own and they couldn't be sure when.  But we started again a few weeks later and our first complete cycle resulted in our beautiful, sweet Leah Rae.  That was nearly 3 years ago.  Since then, we've tried four more times with 1 miscarriage and 3 BFNs.  The excitement is gone.  The adventure is gone.  It doesn't even "feel" like I'm trying again.

Don't get me wrong - receiving these embryos was definitely a miracle.  And we are hopeful that God is going to bless these embryos (and us) with life.  But the journey isn't so exciting any longer.  My baseline b/w and ultrasound was all good.  I'm taking estrogen pills 3 times a day as well as aspirin and and prenatals.  (I had stopped the prenatals in complete frustration after the last BFN.)  But I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  My brain has so much hope, but my heart is so numb.  

   My lining check is next Wednesday.  If all looks good, they'll schedule the transfer for the following week.  Hopefully, I'll have mustered up some excitement by then... .... 

A miracle in progress

What a crazy time in our spiritual lives! 

     While we were struggling with the next steps that we might take in building our family, we found out that my sister-in-law is expecting Baby #5.  Learning of a pregnancy is always difficult for a couple dealing with infertility – but this one was especially rough.  She is not thrilled to be pregnant.  Nor does she seem to enjoy the 4 she has. Don’t get me wrong – she definitely loves her children and she takes great care of them.  She’s able to stay home instead of working and she provides a nice home for them, nearly any toy they want and they are all involved in activities of their choice.  She’s a good mom – but they seem to be a source of stress (and sometimes irritation) to her. Maybe I just don’t understand b/c I only have one, but she is often overwhelmed and rarely expresses joy at motherhood.  So, learning that she is expecting again was difficult for us.

     But God has taken us to a new place this time – perhaps because we are more willing now to look at His perspective.  I’m coming to understand that “the line is a dot” to me.  In the timeline of Eternity – or even in my lifetime, the moment that I’m experiencing is just a tiny dot.  I don’t see the big picture or how God intends to use our family to build His Kingdom.  Since I can’t see that – I can either trust that God does and accept my “dot” with joy, or I can be bitter and angry. Well, the bitterness thing didn’t work for me, so this time I’m learning to accept our struggle and trust that God sees the whole line.  As I seek God’s perspective, I am also coming to understand that His purpose is intimacy with us.  I can let sharing the disappointment of our situation draw me closer to God, just as adding another child might be the thing God uses to draw my sister-in-law closer to Himself.

    At the same time, Micah and I both had a sense that something special was about to happen in our lives.  That perhaps my SILs news was a ‘test’ of our reactions and attitudes.  We weren’t sure what that was, but we sensed a new season coming.  On a TMI note, my period is late this month.  (well, sort of.  I used to be like clockwork, but the last few cycles were really short, so I was expecting this one to be short too.)  I hate these days of running to the bathroom every few hours b/c I think I’m starting...  … more than actually having my period. Ugh.

    As I was driving home from work last week, I thought.  “How cool would it be if Micah was healed and I got pregnant?”  As I pondered that thought, I heard God ask “what is the greatest blessing I could give you right now?”  In the midst of financial struggle, family issues and Micah’s unemployment, my immediate answer was “to get pregnant: either naturally, or for Pati to call with embryos for us (that survive).” (She’s the donor coordinator at our clinic.)   Honestly, either would be a miracle; our clinic rarely has embryos needing a family.  And I truly have no preference for having genetic children.  I love my Leah’s embryo adoption story and I am passionate about EA.  In fact, that was my biggest concern with our donor sperm contemplations; I really do feel called to adopt already-created embryos.

  

            Yesterday, our miracle happened.  I finished teaching and picked up my phone to find a voicemail from Pati.  There are 3 embryos waiting for a chance at life.  She emailed to profile.  The patient who donated them used both an egg donor and a sperm donor – and had achieved pregnancy.  While we don’t know the grade – these are likely really good embryos.  And now they are ours. J  We are in shock.  God IS up to something special.  THIS is why my period is late. I can start this cycle in the next day or so, whenever it shows up.  This is God’s providential timing.  He has given the greatest blessing that I could have asked for.

     I’m assuming these embryos will result in a child.  While it’s hard to be positive after so many losses, I understand now that my attitude is a choice.  I can be guarded and afraid, but that doesn’t really minimize the disappointment.  My EA blogger friend Jess recently posted about how naïve she was with her first child and how much harder it is to be positive when the innocence is stripped away by so much loss.  I totally agree, but I’m going to try so hard to regain that naivety and believe that this is going to work.  God has brought us to this point and given us these embryos.  For that, I rejoice.  The line is a dot to me, and I’m going to be grateful in this moment for the gift of embryos and not worry yet about which way the line will go.

           Thank you all so much for your prayers.  Even though I don’t update a lot, I still feel like you all are my friends and I love reading your blogs.  Diane and Paula, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts on donor sperm.  I am so confident that both of your children will bring Glory to God and further his Kingdom.  Jess – I am stalking your blog to find out how many siblings Maddie is getting.  Tracy and Diane – I’m praying for healthy, safe delivery of your baby girls.  Paula – wishing you a healthy 9 months.  I promise to post more, now that I’m out of my spiritual funk; I was just so numb for so long.

Secondary Infertility - and other thoughts

     I’ve pretty  much dropped off the blogging scene - because I didn’t really have anything to say.  (I still read my friends’ blogs; I love keeping up with you all.)

We both felt really beaten down after our last failed FET.  Emotionally and spiritually, Micah and I were both bewildered and downtrodden.  It’s been a rough season.   We were SO sure that those embryos were providentially chosen for us - they seemed like a gift from God’s hand.  (Both sets: the Indian embryos and then the last failed set.)  It was just such a shock that none of them stuck.  We’ve had 4 failed FETs in the last 18 months.  It’s disheartening.   But we know that donor FETs work.  Our amazing, wonderful, sweet EA daughter will turn 2 next month.  We are so blessed to have her - I love being a mom even more than I thought I would.

     And that’s what makes this infertility so much more difficult.  I’m finding this ‘secondary infertility’ even more painful than it was before we had Leah.  I long so desperately to be pregnant again.  I want so much to give Leah a sibling - to nurse another child - to expand our family.  It’s just not working.  Our clinic had several sets of embryos available this summer - but we didn’t have enough money saved to ‘adopt’ them.  Now that we’ve figured out how to pay for our next embryo adoption, there are none available.  So we wait.  And wonder - should we even try again?  Most would be tempted to give up after 4 failed FETs.  But our first FET worked - so we’re 1 for 5.  (Our clinic’s success rates aren’t that great, so we should expect that.  The clinic freezes all embryos, not just the high quality ones - so in reality, we’re getting lower quality leftovers than other clinics.  We knew that going into it and we’re happy to give any embryo a chance.)  So, I guess we just wait and keep trying, right?

    Except that my husband threw me a curve ball this week.  He suggested we consider donor sperm.  We talked about that briefly in the beginning of our journey.  Financially, it makes the most sense.  Our insurance covers IUIs -so we’d only have to pay for the sperm (which is WAY cheaper than adopting embryos!)

But it didn’t feel right for us.  We felt called to adopt - and I’m perfectly fertile.  We really believed that God was going to create our family through embryo adoption.  And He did.   When we began to try for a 2nd child, we were stilll confident that this is how God was working.  Even after a few failed transfers, we still thought that.  But now we’re not so confident.  Maybe I need to be more open to God working differently than I thought.  Maybe God is working on our hearts to be ready for this option?

    I would LOVE to hear from you ladies; how did God lead you to the path you’re on??  (Especially Diane and Paula -I appreciate any thoughts you might share!)  I’m not sure if we’re truly being led in this direction or if we’re just considering taking the faster/cheaper way out.  I love to share Leah’s adoption story.  What would I tell this child (if we concieved?)  I have so many questions jumbled in my head... ... ...

Another BFN

That's all. I don't have much to say.

It only takes one, right?

After dragging and dragging, this cycle kicked into gear and we transferred our little embie yesterday.  I tried acupuncture this time, both before and after the transfer.  I'm not sure that I love acupuncture... ... but if it could possibly help, I'm willing to do it.  (For the money, though, I would much rather have a massage.)

   We had two embryos left, but only one survived the thaw.  (This is the first cycle we've  had one not make it.)  It's kind of discouraging.  I feel like our chances of success are much lower with one (as opposed to 2 or 3 embryos.)  The RE was optimistic though - he said the one we have looks really good.  He reminded us that it only takes one embryo to grow into a baby.

   I would have never chosen to do a single embryo transfer.  We are not alarmed by the risk of multiples - we would happily welcome twins.  All of our other transfers have been 2 or 3 embryos.  Doing the math, we've transferred 11 embryos and had 1 child.  So, it's hard to hold out hope for this little one.  But, as so many of you keep reminding me (which I'm so thankful for) - God knows which children He intends to use here on this earth and which will join Him immediately in Heaven.  And He could fully intend to bless us with this little one now resting in my womb.  Or not.  We'll just have to wait and see.

   The waiting is complicated by the fact that our clinic has a slew of donor embryos available right now.  There hardly ever have embryos - it's just not a well utilized program - and right now they actually have 5 different sets.  I so want to jump on them.  But it seems silly to spend a ton of money to reserve embryos right now when we don't know if we'll end up pregnant from this cycle.  But by the time we have our beta, they could all be gone - they go really fast b/c our clinic doesn't get many of them.  

   Micah thinks that we should just wait and let God work out the timing.  If we snatch up these embies, we are displaying a lack of faith in God.  If we are meant to grow those embryos in our family, then they will still be available if we get a BFN.  Or perhaps God will bless us with a BFP and none of this all matters.  It's just hard to sit and wait.  Waiting is always hard.

     

   I've spent yesterday and today relaxing on the couch.  Well, as much as I can with a toddler.  We had some friends watch Leah yesterday so I could have some time to rest after the transfer.  Things are about to get really busy in the next 2 weeks - so I'm trying to "store up" as much rest as I can... lol!

This is taking forever!

For some reason, it feels like this cycle is taking forever.  It feels like my baseline was so long ago - and my lining check is weeks away.  It's not - it's only days away, but it feels like weeks.  Usually, the time goes by really fast; I don't know what the difference is this time.  I'm just as busy as usual.  I've got just as much stuff on my mind.  I'm not really dwelling on the cycle and the waiting, but somehow it just seems to have dragged on.
   Maybe it's because I kind of feel like we're just going through the motions.  Since we have these 2 embryos left, we might as well give them a chance before we try to figure out what God has next for us.  I don't that's a poor mindset - but maybe a BFN will be less disappointing if I go through it with an indifferent attitude.
   Not much to say right now.  I'm doing my first acupuncture appointment right after our lining check next week.  I'll post more then......