So THIS is what that's like.....

You know, when you pee on a stick and see TWO PINK LINES!!!!!
In 4 1/2 years of trying to have children, this has never happened to us. Until today!!!!
(Well, we tested after the + beta with Leah but that doesn't count.)

Yes, ladies- I am pregnant. It didn't even take the full 3 min and I didn't have to squint to see the line. It is 9dp5dt after all.  Today is my beta. I'm actually sitting in the hospital waiting room now- at 6am- for my blood draw.  I'll go down to the Fertilty Clinic in Syracuse for beta #2 - mostly so I can celebrate with the staff.

We haven't told anybody in real life. We're dreaming up plans for that- were hoping to surprise our family since we didn't tell most of them about this cycle.

Today, the secret is between Micah and I (and now you.)  I know that so much could still go wrong. But today, we rejoice in God's gift of life!!!  Thank you all for your prayers.

When to test.....

   Waiting is hard.  You've all been there!  I recently read through my blog entries from our first transfer with Leah – and I have this same sentiment:  as difficult as it is to wait, it’s easier than getting a BFN and having this all be over.  We prayed so much for these embryos – like all the others, we believe they are a miraculous gift.  If this cycle is negative, we have nothing:  no more money, no more embryos.  Of course, we’re praying that THIS is the time we get our BFP. 

     So, on the subject of BFPs… … … I’m not sure when to test. With Leah, we didn’t test until after the positive beta.  With the others, we tested early and got all negatives.  I’m not sure seeing a negative HPT is any better than just waiting it out. The difference is that this time, Micah and I won’t be together when the clinic calls with the results.  We used to both take the day off and travel to Syracuse and then spend the day together waiting for the phone call.  But we really don’t have the time for that.  I’m going to do the blood test at our local hospital at 6am before I go to work.  And then be working when they call.  And then play phone tag.  Sounds exciting, no?

    The beta is this Friday (9dp5dt.)  I’ll likely test that morning just so when know what to expect when they call.  But… … today is 6dp5dt – I could  potentially get a positive result today – or tomorrow.  I just can’t decide if I want to do that to myself or not. 

            In an effort to think positively, I got my “pregnancy ring” out and started wearing it.  When I was pregnant with Leah, my fingers swelled so much that I had to stop wearing my wedding rings so I bought a different ring to wear on my wedding finger instead.  It’s a small silver band that says “everything is possible when you have faith.”  I am wearing it on my right hand this time (for now at least.)  I don’t know if I would swell this time since it’s winter, but I will wear the ring throughout my pregnancy.  Let’s just pray that I don’t have to take it off on Friday!

If I decide to test early, I will certainly let you all know.  Stay tuned…… ...

Transfer: complete

I'm officially "pregnant until proven otherwise!"  Now I can make jokes like "I'm eating for 4" (since we transferred 3 embies.)  Meet our newest babies:

None of them look particularly amazing to me, but maybe that doesn't mean anything.  (I studied embryology in college, but maybe I don't know as much as I think I do.)  The doctor said they are beautiful.  Of course, he always says that.  The bottom line is that we don't know which little frozen lives God intends to live here on earth - hopefully 1 (or 2) of these little guys will join our family.

It's been a great day - if nothing else, it was nice to relax.  We slept in a little, dropped Leah off at the sitters and had a nice drive to Syracuse.  Some of our favorite nurses assisted with the transfer.  Our RE is a little fruity - but we only see him on transfer day anyway.  We stopped for a quick lunch and I've been on the couch ever since.  Leah sat and cuddled with me while watching "Super Why" for a little while - that was a sweet moment.
   Speaking of my "fruity" RE - I took some pics of the transfer room to show you all.  This guy is *really* into Eastern philosophy and "zen" type stuff.  He has acupuncturists on staff; they will even come into your transfer room before and after for treatment.  (I tried that last time - didn't like it.)  He built a spa attached to the clinic with a massage therapy, a yoga room, etc.  As a result, the transfer procedure rooms look like a spa treatment room.  It's an interesting juxtaposition of medical equipment and spa elegance.

 The bureau where the set out the med supplies (and keep blankets, sheets, etc.) is nicer than my dressers at home.  Even the wastebasket is a nice rattan matching basket.  The door to the embryology lab is a gorgeous wood/frosted glass - it's really well thought out.

They don't use stirrups for the transfer, you just set you feet on the bed.  The ultrasound machine looks funny in contrast to the decor.  They even give you a warm blanket to cover up during the procedure.
   
 I know we are fortunate to have such a relaxing, friendly clinic.  However, the FET success rates are far below national average.  I would prefer a sterile, clinical environment if it meant a better chance of success.  Part of the reason that the success rate is low is that they freeze every embryo that doesn't die on it's own - regardless of quality.  So, let's just hope that these little "embabies" are good quality and that they are snuggling in for a healthy 9 months........ 

It's real now

I'm transferring tomorrow.  It's become real.  I can take Estrace 3x a day and not feel like this is really happening, but once you stick that PIO needle in your rear - reality hits!  (In my exhausted stupor yesterday, I got the needles mixed up and injected with the 18 gauge... ...ouch!) 
   Plans are all set for tomorrow.  I've scheduled for a substitute and left all the plans.  (I swear it's more work to be absent than it is to show up and teach.)  Micah is showing a video at youth group tomorrow night so that I can stay home and rest on the couch.  I've got a brisket all ready to cook in the crockpot so I can have a yummy ready-made meal when I come home from the clinic.  There is so much anticipation; I'm trying hard to get excited.  But somehow, I'm still guarding my heart.  I'm mustering up all the faith that I can manage to believe that God is going to do something good here.  I have to trust that He sees the big picture where I only see a little dot.
   We haven't told people about this cycle; except my brother and sister in law.  They've been through infertility, so they "get" our emotional roller coaster.  But we didn't tell anyone else in the family.  I keep thinking that it'll be fun to 'surprise' them with a pregnancy announcement if all goes well.  We just want to be able to find a creative way to announce our pregnancy just like the fertile people get to.  Though the last few cycles haven't worked - and it's not any easier to tell the family "we tried again and failed."  Hopefully this time we won't have to say that!  Maybe THIS will be they cycle that our dream comes true...

Lining looks good - transfer set....

First of all - Congrats are in order for my Blogger friend Diane on the birth of her daughter Lucy!  I'm sure she's busy these days loving on her baby girl - but stop over and say congrats anyway...

OK - on to me.  I had my lining check today - 9mm and triple stripe.  All looks good.  I'll start my progesterone Friday night (both Crinone and PIO shots) and my transfer is next Wed - Oct 9th.  The nice thing about an FET is the flexibility.  That day worked best in terms of my lesson plans, so we were able to schedule it that day.  With all of my other transfers, I dropped everything in my life to schedule the fertility appointments.  This one, I'm just squeezing them in - the world is not coming to a stop.  Usually I take 2 days off of work for a transfer (day of and day after) - but not this time.  I'm just taking Wed off.  (But I did plan a video lesson for Thursday, so while I'm going back to work - it will be very low key.)
   The excitement is still kind of lacking.  Maybe it's because I'm so busy right now.  Maybe I'm jaded by the failures in the past year.  Though I will say - all of the positive news from my blogger friends is rather encouraging.  I'm sure if these babies stick, my excitement will go through the roof!

     On completely different note, my daughter just ran downstairs to tell me she went poopy on the potty!  She's getting pretty consistent about peeing on the potty (except when she's out and about and having too much fun to tell us...lol)  But poop has been a different story - so this is such great news.
   I've had so much fun watching all your kids grow up, that I realized that I could probably post a lot about my little Leah Rae.  After all, some of you knew/followed me back when we were going through our initial embryo adoption journey and when I got my BFP.  And now that BFP is 2.  TWO!!!  (Her birthday was last week - when did that happen??)  She's a sweet, smart little girl - super helpful and has a great sense of humor.  We are loving every day of being her parents!  (DIane - you think you love Lucy now.. ...just wait - every single day gets better and better, as hard as that is to imagine right now.)  Here are some recent pics:

...losing excitement in the journey....

Remember the first time you started a fertility cycle?  Remember how much joy and adventure and hope there was?  You were sad to be in that place where you needed to start a fertility cycle, but the hope of good things was the predominant feeling?  

   I remember getting this big 'ole box of meds in the mail that first time.  I opened it and looked at everything.  I marveled at the amount of meds I would be taking (and it was only a FET.)  I recall taking pics of the meds and the giant needles, wondering exactly what I was getting myself into.  But it was kinda... ... fun.  It was an adventure.  I even happily handed my husband the syringe for that first PIO shot.  I was excited about it!

Do you remember those days?

Our first cycle was cancelled b/c I ovulated on my own and they couldn't be sure when.  But we started again a few weeks later and our first complete cycle resulted in our beautiful, sweet Leah Rae.  That was nearly 3 years ago.  Since then, we've tried four more times with 1 miscarriage and 3 BFNs.  The excitement is gone.  The adventure is gone.  It doesn't even "feel" like I'm trying again.

Don't get me wrong - receiving these embryos was definitely a miracle.  And we are hopeful that God is going to bless these embryos (and us) with life.  But the journey isn't so exciting any longer.  My baseline b/w and ultrasound was all good.  I'm taking estrogen pills 3 times a day as well as aspirin and and prenatals.  (I had stopped the prenatals in complete frustration after the last BFN.)  But I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  My brain has so much hope, but my heart is so numb.  

   My lining check is next Wednesday.  If all looks good, they'll schedule the transfer for the following week.  Hopefully, I'll have mustered up some excitement by then... .... 

A miracle in progress

What a crazy time in our spiritual lives! 

     While we were struggling with the next steps that we might take in building our family, we found out that my sister-in-law is expecting Baby #5.  Learning of a pregnancy is always difficult for a couple dealing with infertility – but this one was especially rough.  She is not thrilled to be pregnant.  Nor does she seem to enjoy the 4 she has. Don’t get me wrong – she definitely loves her children and she takes great care of them.  She’s able to stay home instead of working and she provides a nice home for them, nearly any toy they want and they are all involved in activities of their choice.  She’s a good mom – but they seem to be a source of stress (and sometimes irritation) to her. Maybe I just don’t understand b/c I only have one, but she is often overwhelmed and rarely expresses joy at motherhood.  So, learning that she is expecting again was difficult for us.

     But God has taken us to a new place this time – perhaps because we are more willing now to look at His perspective.  I’m coming to understand that “the line is a dot” to me.  In the timeline of Eternity – or even in my lifetime, the moment that I’m experiencing is just a tiny dot.  I don’t see the big picture or how God intends to use our family to build His Kingdom.  Since I can’t see that – I can either trust that God does and accept my “dot” with joy, or I can be bitter and angry. Well, the bitterness thing didn’t work for me, so this time I’m learning to accept our struggle and trust that God sees the whole line.  As I seek God’s perspective, I am also coming to understand that His purpose is intimacy with us.  I can let sharing the disappointment of our situation draw me closer to God, just as adding another child might be the thing God uses to draw my sister-in-law closer to Himself.

    At the same time, Micah and I both had a sense that something special was about to happen in our lives.  That perhaps my SILs news was a ‘test’ of our reactions and attitudes.  We weren’t sure what that was, but we sensed a new season coming.  On a TMI note, my period is late this month.  (well, sort of.  I used to be like clockwork, but the last few cycles were really short, so I was expecting this one to be short too.)  I hate these days of running to the bathroom every few hours b/c I think I’m starting...  … more than actually having my period. Ugh.

    As I was driving home from work last week, I thought.  “How cool would it be if Micah was healed and I got pregnant?”  As I pondered that thought, I heard God ask “what is the greatest blessing I could give you right now?”  In the midst of financial struggle, family issues and Micah’s unemployment, my immediate answer was “to get pregnant: either naturally, or for Pati to call with embryos for us (that survive).” (She’s the donor coordinator at our clinic.)   Honestly, either would be a miracle; our clinic rarely has embryos needing a family.  And I truly have no preference for having genetic children.  I love my Leah’s embryo adoption story and I am passionate about EA.  In fact, that was my biggest concern with our donor sperm contemplations; I really do feel called to adopt already-created embryos.

  

            Yesterday, our miracle happened.  I finished teaching and picked up my phone to find a voicemail from Pati.  There are 3 embryos waiting for a chance at life.  She emailed to profile.  The patient who donated them used both an egg donor and a sperm donor – and had achieved pregnancy.  While we don’t know the grade – these are likely really good embryos.  And now they are ours. J  We are in shock.  God IS up to something special.  THIS is why my period is late. I can start this cycle in the next day or so, whenever it shows up.  This is God’s providential timing.  He has given the greatest blessing that I could have asked for.

     I’m assuming these embryos will result in a child.  While it’s hard to be positive after so many losses, I understand now that my attitude is a choice.  I can be guarded and afraid, but that doesn’t really minimize the disappointment.  My EA blogger friend Jess recently posted about how naïve she was with her first child and how much harder it is to be positive when the innocence is stripped away by so much loss.  I totally agree, but I’m going to try so hard to regain that naivety and believe that this is going to work.  God has brought us to this point and given us these embryos.  For that, I rejoice.  The line is a dot to me, and I’m going to be grateful in this moment for the gift of embryos and not worry yet about which way the line will go.

           Thank you all so much for your prayers.  Even though I don’t update a lot, I still feel like you all are my friends and I love reading your blogs.  Diane and Paula, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts on donor sperm.  I am so confident that both of your children will bring Glory to God and further his Kingdom.  Jess – I am stalking your blog to find out how many siblings Maddie is getting.  Tracy and Diane – I’m praying for healthy, safe delivery of your baby girls.  Paula – wishing you a healthy 9 months.  I promise to post more, now that I’m out of my spiritual funk; I was just so numb for so long.