A little worried....

It’s been a rough few weeks.  Just like last time, the “morning” sickness is kicking my tail.  I’m so happy to be pregnant and I’m so thrilled to be having this child… … … but I wish I could bypass the sickness part.  As Micah gave me my PIO shot this morning, I told him “I would take these shots every day for the entire pregnancy if I could just not be sick – can’t I trade?”  It’s just not fair – after everything we go through to have a child, couldn’t we have easy pregnancies?  

OK – enough whining!  Things seem to be going well.  I’m a little worried about our last ultrasound though.  A week ago, the baby was measuring a little ahead at 6w6d.  (I was 6w4d)  This week, the baby was measuring 7w0d (at 7w4d).  The nurse that did that measuring wasn’t concerned about this week’s measurement.  She said these machines could be off of several days to a week.  And she was able to measure the heartbeat at a healthy 166bpm.  She said all is well.

But when I got home, I started looking at the numbers.  Last week the baby was 9.1mm and this week it was 9.9mm.  She MUST have measured wrong, right?  Did my baby really only grow .9mm??  It’s supposed to grow that much every day, not every week!  Yet, I don’t think baby stopped growing.  There was definitely a strong heartbeat – and the blob looks  bigger this week.  I’m hoping it was just a mistake.  I’m trying to not stress – the nurse wasn’t worried.  But then again, a different person does the ultrasound every week – so maybe she didn’t realize there was little growth.  Micah’s not worried because the nurse said it was ok.  And I’m still really sick – getting worse – so that has  to mean that everything is progressing, right?  I’m trying to be positive.  I can’t believe that God would bring us this far to have the pregnancy fail……

On another note – part of my sickness is due to sinus issues – I’m super stuffed up and there’s a ton of (TMI alert) post-nasal drip that I keep swallowing.  I’m sure that’s contributing to the ‘gonna-puke-any-minute’ feeling.  I keep thinking it’s going to get better, but it’s not.  I’m wondering if it’s time to go to the doctor and get an antibiotic.  (I don’t have an OB yet, so it’d be from Urgent Care.)  I’m a little afraid b/c it’s so early in the pregnancy.  I really don’t want to take drugs that could potentially affect my baby.  But I also don’t know if this infection will take care of itself.  I’m so torn…..

So, that’s my update.  Thanks for keeping us in your prayers!

Yup, still pregnant

   After so many failures and losses, I have trouble believing that this pregnancy is for real. I'm waiting for something bad to happen, so I'm over analyzing every little thing.  My progesterone level was only 20 last week (it was 40 earlier).  20 is still totally normal, the nurse wasn't even slightly concerned - but it freaked me out.  And the gestational sac was smaller than it was with Leah - so of course I "researched" (i.e. read stuff online)  and discovered that it's the bottom end of normal for this point.  So - that means normal.  But yet, I worry.  Why am I such a worrywart?  I don't want to be that person!

     I don't know how I can even doubt my pregnancy with the awful morning sickness I've been having.  With Leah, I got really sick; I could barely function, even with Zofran around the clock - up until week 17.  I was in the ER twice (b/c I was trying to not take so much Zofran) due to severe dehydration b/c I couldn't keep water down.  I was really hoping this pregnancy would be different.  But... ... not so much.

I'm just barely 6 weeks now - and while I haven't thrown up, I'm nauseous ALL the time.  I'm eating crackers every hour it seems b/c it keeps me from puking.  I'm already unbuttoning my pants and looking forward to wearing maternity pants.  I remember this from last time too.  My pants pressing against my abdomen made me feel more nauseous.  

But you know what?  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I am SO grateful to be pregnant.  All this sickness just reminds me that there's a little life growing inside of me - and I'm so thankful for this miracle.

Here's a pic of our little one:  (well, the sac the little one will grow in)

I have another ultrasound next week - hopefully we'll see the little heartbeat along with the fetal pole and yolk sac.  And hopefully, I will be able to rest assured that God really is gifting us with a second miracle!

I'm really pregnant!!!

    This is really happening!!  After getting two pink lines on Friday, I had my blood draw and the beta number came back at 158.  That's even stronger than Leah's beta was.  I know I shouldn't compare pregnancies, but after our dragged out miscarriage a while back, I'm just happy to have such a high number.  The second draw was yesterday and came back at 738!!!  So, yeah - I'm pregnant.  And my progesterone was around 40 both times, which is a relief too.  
   We told both of our parents yesterday, which was so much fun.  I'm making a Shutterfly book of Leah's second year and I've been showing my MIL the book as I've worked on it.  (We made a video of her 1st year, but now I want to go back and make a book for that year too.  And a book of her embryo adoption story.  I'm a bit behind.....)  Anyway,  I added a page that says that "Leah will become a big sister in June."  She and my FIL were looking at the book and when they got to that page, they just stared at it for the longest time before asking "is this for real?"  Yep - it's for real.
   My mom came up to visit last night as well and we had a "big sister in training" T-shirt on Leah.  She was equally as shocked.  We told the siblings today  - and that's it for a while.  I'm not ready to tell the world yet.  It's still so early - though I have to believe that God will complete this miracle and bless us with this baby.  (or babies, we don't know yet.)
   I have my first ultrasound scheduled next week, so I'm excited to see a nice dark blob on the grey screen!  I might have to pee on a stick again between now and then, just to make sure I'm still pregnant.  It seems so far away....

Thank you again for all of your prayers!

So THIS is what that's like.....

You know, when you pee on a stick and see TWO PINK LINES!!!!!
In 4 1/2 years of trying to have children, this has never happened to us. Until today!!!!
(Well, we tested after the + beta with Leah but that doesn't count.)

Yes, ladies- I am pregnant. It didn't even take the full 3 min and I didn't have to squint to see the line. It is 9dp5dt after all.  Today is my beta. I'm actually sitting in the hospital waiting room now- at 6am- for my blood draw.  I'll go down to the Fertilty Clinic in Syracuse for beta #2 - mostly so I can celebrate with the staff.

We haven't told anybody in real life. We're dreaming up plans for that- were hoping to surprise our family since we didn't tell most of them about this cycle.

Today, the secret is between Micah and I (and now you.)  I know that so much could still go wrong. But today, we rejoice in God's gift of life!!!  Thank you all for your prayers.

When to test.....

   Waiting is hard.  You've all been there!  I recently read through my blog entries from our first transfer with Leah – and I have this same sentiment:  as difficult as it is to wait, it’s easier than getting a BFN and having this all be over.  We prayed so much for these embryos – like all the others, we believe they are a miraculous gift.  If this cycle is negative, we have nothing:  no more money, no more embryos.  Of course, we’re praying that THIS is the time we get our BFP. 

     So, on the subject of BFPs… … … I’m not sure when to test. With Leah, we didn’t test until after the positive beta.  With the others, we tested early and got all negatives.  I’m not sure seeing a negative HPT is any better than just waiting it out. The difference is that this time, Micah and I won’t be together when the clinic calls with the results.  We used to both take the day off and travel to Syracuse and then spend the day together waiting for the phone call.  But we really don’t have the time for that.  I’m going to do the blood test at our local hospital at 6am before I go to work.  And then be working when they call.  And then play phone tag.  Sounds exciting, no?

    The beta is this Friday (9dp5dt.)  I’ll likely test that morning just so when know what to expect when they call.  But… … today is 6dp5dt – I could  potentially get a positive result today – or tomorrow.  I just can’t decide if I want to do that to myself or not. 

            In an effort to think positively, I got my “pregnancy ring” out and started wearing it.  When I was pregnant with Leah, my fingers swelled so much that I had to stop wearing my wedding rings so I bought a different ring to wear on my wedding finger instead.  It’s a small silver band that says “everything is possible when you have faith.”  I am wearing it on my right hand this time (for now at least.)  I don’t know if I would swell this time since it’s winter, but I will wear the ring throughout my pregnancy.  Let’s just pray that I don’t have to take it off on Friday!

If I decide to test early, I will certainly let you all know.  Stay tuned…… ...

Transfer: complete

I'm officially "pregnant until proven otherwise!"  Now I can make jokes like "I'm eating for 4" (since we transferred 3 embies.)  Meet our newest babies:

None of them look particularly amazing to me, but maybe that doesn't mean anything.  (I studied embryology in college, but maybe I don't know as much as I think I do.)  The doctor said they are beautiful.  Of course, he always says that.  The bottom line is that we don't know which little frozen lives God intends to live here on earth - hopefully 1 (or 2) of these little guys will join our family.

It's been a great day - if nothing else, it was nice to relax.  We slept in a little, dropped Leah off at the sitters and had a nice drive to Syracuse.  Some of our favorite nurses assisted with the transfer.  Our RE is a little fruity - but we only see him on transfer day anyway.  We stopped for a quick lunch and I've been on the couch ever since.  Leah sat and cuddled with me while watching "Super Why" for a little while - that was a sweet moment.
   Speaking of my "fruity" RE - I took some pics of the transfer room to show you all.  This guy is *really* into Eastern philosophy and "zen" type stuff.  He has acupuncturists on staff; they will even come into your transfer room before and after for treatment.  (I tried that last time - didn't like it.)  He built a spa attached to the clinic with a massage therapy, a yoga room, etc.  As a result, the transfer procedure rooms look like a spa treatment room.  It's an interesting juxtaposition of medical equipment and spa elegance.

 The bureau where the set out the med supplies (and keep blankets, sheets, etc.) is nicer than my dressers at home.  Even the wastebasket is a nice rattan matching basket.  The door to the embryology lab is a gorgeous wood/frosted glass - it's really well thought out.

They don't use stirrups for the transfer, you just set you feet on the bed.  The ultrasound machine looks funny in contrast to the decor.  They even give you a warm blanket to cover up during the procedure.
   
 I know we are fortunate to have such a relaxing, friendly clinic.  However, the FET success rates are far below national average.  I would prefer a sterile, clinical environment if it meant a better chance of success.  Part of the reason that the success rate is low is that they freeze every embryo that doesn't die on it's own - regardless of quality.  So, let's just hope that these little "embabies" are good quality and that they are snuggling in for a healthy 9 months........ 

It's real now

I'm transferring tomorrow.  It's become real.  I can take Estrace 3x a day and not feel like this is really happening, but once you stick that PIO needle in your rear - reality hits!  (In my exhausted stupor yesterday, I got the needles mixed up and injected with the 18 gauge... ...ouch!) 
   Plans are all set for tomorrow.  I've scheduled for a substitute and left all the plans.  (I swear it's more work to be absent than it is to show up and teach.)  Micah is showing a video at youth group tomorrow night so that I can stay home and rest on the couch.  I've got a brisket all ready to cook in the crockpot so I can have a yummy ready-made meal when I come home from the clinic.  There is so much anticipation; I'm trying hard to get excited.  But somehow, I'm still guarding my heart.  I'm mustering up all the faith that I can manage to believe that God is going to do something good here.  I have to trust that He sees the big picture where I only see a little dot.
   We haven't told people about this cycle; except my brother and sister in law.  They've been through infertility, so they "get" our emotional roller coaster.  But we didn't tell anyone else in the family.  I keep thinking that it'll be fun to 'surprise' them with a pregnancy announcement if all goes well.  We just want to be able to find a creative way to announce our pregnancy just like the fertile people get to.  Though the last few cycles haven't worked - and it's not any easier to tell the family "we tried again and failed."  Hopefully this time we won't have to say that!  Maybe THIS will be they cycle that our dream comes true...