The fact that I haven't posted in a while, coupled with my last post about spotting, probably clued you all in to my negative results. It was no surprise to me; by the time we had the test, I had already been bleeding for 4 days. Micah was very disappointed - he is ever the faithful optimist and he was holding out hope that somehow God was performing a miracle in the midst of the bleeding. I love his faith - but it means we process things differently. By wednesday, I had already realized that this cycle failed, cried, mourned, thrown things, etc. When the news hit him, he had to deal with it while I had already moved on.
We do have 2 embryos left, but I needed some answers before we just blindly allowed history to repeat itself. This is the 3rd loss we've had and the 2nd time I'd started bleeding before beta. So we scheduled a consult to talk to the doctor, which we did today. I do like the RE that we met with, but I'm not sure I left with any answers. He talked about research and how the word 'implantation' is a misnomer. (Really, the lining grows up around the embryo, it doesn't burrow itself into the lining.) The general gist of the conversation is that I'm normal. The reason that I'm bleeding early is just because the embryo has failed to implant. It's about the embryo, not me. It has nothing to do with my hormones or my uterus or anything like that. He thinks the the reason we've not been successful all boils down to the viability of the embryos.
The RE made an interesting point in terms of embryo donation (or adoption.) We talk about how we are giving 'leftover' embryos a chance at life. Point being - they are leftovers. While embryo grading is just guess about quality based on it's appearance, they use the embryos with the highest grade first. So, chances are, when we receive a donation of embryos, we're not getting the best. I guess I knew that - but I hadn't really looked at it that way. (He also talked about the percent of embryos that are actually viable and mentioned that even in natural conception, embryos are likely fertilized month after month, but most don't end up as children.) The bottom line is that persistence is key; it just might take several tries to find the embryo that will become our next child.
The one other things that he said we *could* try is to do an endometrial scratch (or endometrial biopsy.) Basically, there are some studies in women with recurrent implantation failure that show that "injuring" the lining in the cycle prior increases the chance of implantation. The RE didn't think that I fall into the "recurrent implantation failure" category since I've carried a child to term and my miscarriage last spring indicated that implantation is very possible. His words were "we can try that if it would make you feel better for the next cycle."
So, now I don't know what to think. First of all, the procedure does NOT sound like fun; most women call it painful. Secondly, he doesn't sound like it would be that helpful - we would be doing it just to try something different. On the other hand, if there is a chance it could help implantation, then shouldn't I try it? Or would I just be wasting my time, since success is mostly determined by the embryo quality?
So - there's my update. I don't know what our next step is. Do we just jump right in with another cycle? Do we try this scratch thing first? Since these that we have left are likely even lower in quality, do we donate the embryos back and look through FIRMs profiles again? (It would be much cheaper to use the ones we have, since they are already ours.) I don't know. I would love any advice or thoughts that any of you have.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
So much for that.....
My last post was all full of positive thoughts. Those are all gone and I'm discouraged and frustrated. I'm bleeding. Not just spotting - bleeding. Already. And I'm having deja vu.
I'll admit that, as positive as I was, I still checked the TP every time I used the restroom. (TMI sorry) After the last 2 losses, I am conditioned to do that, I guess.
Yesterday afternoon, I discovered some "old blood." I was ok with that. But then there was a little more in my underwear. I texted Micah (who was out of town) and told him to start praying for our embryonic children. It wasn't much of the rest of the day, so I assumed I was good and went to bed. I was a little worried, just b/c of all that we've been through - but I tried to stay positive. The RE said that spotting is normal.
But this morning, I woke up with red blood. Off and on, pretty much all day. Sometimes, I see more brown clumpy "old blood" but most of the time it's bright red. I'm not filling a pad an hour (RE said to call if it gets that bad) - but I am changing my pantyliner every few hours. I just want to cry. It's too early to be my period. (I'm just 6dp5dt.) But clearly, something is wrong. This is exactly what happened with our other failed cycle. (And the miscarriage, but that didn't start until after the positive beta.) That time I blamed it on the lack of progesterone. (I was using Crinone only, and it was down near 5, instead of 20 like it's supposed to be.) But this time, I'm using the PIO - I should have plenty of progesterone. There should be no bleeding. This baby needs to stay in there. That was an incredible hatching embryo that needs a home - why is my body denying it that? My cycles are so normal and regular all the time. I just had a SIS done to make sure my uterus looked good. There is no reason that my body is doing this.
Micah is still positive (as usual.) I am really trying - but he's not the one that sees what's in my underwear every time I use the restroom (which is often, lol.) I'm praying for a miracle; for the bleeding to stop and the baby to hang on. But I'm doubting it'll happen. I'm right back where I was 9 months ago. It doesn't help that I would likely have a baby now if I hadn't miscarried (I would have been due this pas week.) It's just a lot of emotional baggage.
I guess I'll go back to doing what I do best: staying busy. Then I can pretend that this isn't happening AGAIN. Seriously, will God drag us through this yet again?
I'll admit that, as positive as I was, I still checked the TP every time I used the restroom. (TMI sorry) After the last 2 losses, I am conditioned to do that, I guess.
Yesterday afternoon, I discovered some "old blood." I was ok with that. But then there was a little more in my underwear. I texted Micah (who was out of town) and told him to start praying for our embryonic children. It wasn't much of the rest of the day, so I assumed I was good and went to bed. I was a little worried, just b/c of all that we've been through - but I tried to stay positive. The RE said that spotting is normal.
But this morning, I woke up with red blood. Off and on, pretty much all day. Sometimes, I see more brown clumpy "old blood" but most of the time it's bright red. I'm not filling a pad an hour (RE said to call if it gets that bad) - but I am changing my pantyliner every few hours. I just want to cry. It's too early to be my period. (I'm just 6dp5dt.) But clearly, something is wrong. This is exactly what happened with our other failed cycle. (And the miscarriage, but that didn't start until after the positive beta.) That time I blamed it on the lack of progesterone. (I was using Crinone only, and it was down near 5, instead of 20 like it's supposed to be.) But this time, I'm using the PIO - I should have plenty of progesterone. There should be no bleeding. This baby needs to stay in there. That was an incredible hatching embryo that needs a home - why is my body denying it that? My cycles are so normal and regular all the time. I just had a SIS done to make sure my uterus looked good. There is no reason that my body is doing this.
Micah is still positive (as usual.) I am really trying - but he's not the one that sees what's in my underwear every time I use the restroom (which is often, lol.) I'm praying for a miracle; for the bleeding to stop and the baby to hang on. But I'm doubting it'll happen. I'm right back where I was 9 months ago. It doesn't help that I would likely have a baby now if I hadn't miscarried (I would have been due this pas week.) It's just a lot of emotional baggage.
I guess I'll go back to doing what I do best: staying busy. Then I can pretend that this isn't happening AGAIN. Seriously, will God drag us through this yet again?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Holy Hatching, batman!
As I said earlier, I am feeling very positive and hopeful about this cycle. This is not like me - I tend to be a pessimist. (Well, I call myself a realist, but Micah says I'm a pessimist.) I'm just all too aware of what can and often does go wrong. I know statistics and maybe a little too much biology. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
With the last few cycles, Micah was always so positive - he would always tell me that God wants us to have children and He could save this baby (when we were losing them.) My response was always - sure, He could - but I don't think He's going to. Maybe it's just a difference in theology - my God is not all sunshine and roses; not everything works out the way the Christian wants them to. Sure, God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Roman 8:28) but that doesn't mean we get our way in the moment. So - usually, I'm cautious, I'll admit - even pessimistic. Maybe I just like to protect myself from disappointment.
But THIS cycle - it's totally different. I really believe that I'm going to have a baby in 9 months. I think that this child is a gift straight from God's hand and that He'll breathe life into these embryos. I was feeling positive even before this weekend. But in church on Sunday, as we were worshipping, I began to feel even more hopeful. They played two songs that are very special to us. First was "Never Once" by Matt Redman - talking about how God has been with us through all the trials and battles and He's never left us. Then we sang "Mighty to Save" by Chris Tomlin - which has sort of been "our" song - we chose it for worship at our wedding and it was a special experience where everyone in the room (nonbelievers too) could sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. (The non-christians didn't call it that - but they commented on "something spiritual' going on.") As we worshipped God through those songs, I began to feel even more confident and hopeful that God is going to do another miracle for us through this cycle.
Then we got to the clinic on Monday morning. We had a couples massage right before my transfer. (To help me relax - and Micah wanted one too.) There is a spa attached to the clinic so it was all very relaxing. Then I saw our embryos. Check out this pic:
That little one is really hatching. Not just a little bit - it's looking of a place to implant. Hopefully, it found one! The transfer went smoothly. They are trying something new where they squirt a little HcG into the uterus about 7 min before they put the embryos in - I guess studies have shown that HcG increases the receptor cells in the uterine lining. Whatever - I'm up for anything they think will help. (It just meant that I had to lay there for 7 minutes with the catheter through my cervix before they transferred the embryos.)
I've just been laying around resting yesterday and today. The next week is super busy - Micah is going out of town with our teens for a few days and I have lots of work to do. Our first beta is next Wednesday. (We've only told 3 family members, and they all think beta is Friday - so we can see if it doubles before telling anyone.) I think the time will fly by quickly. I hate waiting. I just want to know right now if it worked!
I realize that by being so positive and hopeful, I'm setting myself up for greater disappointment if it fails. But the outcome will be the same regardless of how I feel about it. So I'm going to choose to be positive this time. I'll keep y'all posted.
With the last few cycles, Micah was always so positive - he would always tell me that God wants us to have children and He could save this baby (when we were losing them.) My response was always - sure, He could - but I don't think He's going to. Maybe it's just a difference in theology - my God is not all sunshine and roses; not everything works out the way the Christian wants them to. Sure, God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Roman 8:28) but that doesn't mean we get our way in the moment. So - usually, I'm cautious, I'll admit - even pessimistic. Maybe I just like to protect myself from disappointment.
But THIS cycle - it's totally different. I really believe that I'm going to have a baby in 9 months. I think that this child is a gift straight from God's hand and that He'll breathe life into these embryos. I was feeling positive even before this weekend. But in church on Sunday, as we were worshipping, I began to feel even more hopeful. They played two songs that are very special to us. First was "Never Once" by Matt Redman - talking about how God has been with us through all the trials and battles and He's never left us. Then we sang "Mighty to Save" by Chris Tomlin - which has sort of been "our" song - we chose it for worship at our wedding and it was a special experience where everyone in the room (nonbelievers too) could sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. (The non-christians didn't call it that - but they commented on "something spiritual' going on.") As we worshipped God through those songs, I began to feel even more confident and hopeful that God is going to do another miracle for us through this cycle.
Then we got to the clinic on Monday morning. We had a couples massage right before my transfer. (To help me relax - and Micah wanted one too.) There is a spa attached to the clinic so it was all very relaxing. Then I saw our embryos. Check out this pic:
I've just been laying around resting yesterday and today. The next week is super busy - Micah is going out of town with our teens for a few days and I have lots of work to do. Our first beta is next Wednesday. (We've only told 3 family members, and they all think beta is Friday - so we can see if it doubles before telling anyone.) I think the time will fly by quickly. I hate waiting. I just want to know right now if it worked!
I realize that by being so positive and hopeful, I'm setting myself up for greater disappointment if it fails. But the outcome will be the same regardless of how I feel about it. So I'm going to choose to be positive this time. I'll keep y'all posted.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Aahhh - that familiar pain in the rear.....
We are just days away from our FET!
We started the PIO shots yesterday - and, as it was last time - Micah did a great job with the shot itself - barely felt it. Later in the day, I walked down the hall and thought "ahhh.... there it is" - the sore butt with the achiness shooting down my left leg. The knowlege that it's only going to get worse. The memories of limping and the bruises built up. Followed by the joy of knowing that I'm doing everything I can to create a healthy environment for this next little embryo. The 2 "failed" cycles we had were both with Crinone only, so I am actually pleased to be on the PIO. It makes me more confident.
In fact, I'm feeling very positive about this whole cycle. The first time, I was nothing but hopeful. I hadn't experienced the pain of loss yet. But after a 6w miscarriage and a failed cycle - my innocence is gone. I know all too well that things can (and do) go wrong. I imagine that I'll be checking the TP every time I go to the bathroom. But I do feel good. Micah scheduled a massage for me to help me relax before my transfer on Monday. I took both Monday and Tuesday off from school so I can lay on the couch all day.
I'm already planning on being pregnant this spring and summer. I'm in a wedding so I'm trying to find a maternity bridesmaid dress. In talking about vacation plans, I'm assuming I'll have a newborn next Christmas. I know the danger in planning ahead. (In fact, my due date for the one I lost is next week - I had planned on having a baby now.) But, yet - my mind is off and running. I'm taking it as a positive, healthy sign b/c I can be a bit of a pessimist. This time, I'm hopeful.
Send some prayers my way on Monday morning if you think of it - pray that those embies snuggle in tight!
We started the PIO shots yesterday - and, as it was last time - Micah did a great job with the shot itself - barely felt it. Later in the day, I walked down the hall and thought "ahhh.... there it is" - the sore butt with the achiness shooting down my left leg. The knowlege that it's only going to get worse. The memories of limping and the bruises built up. Followed by the joy of knowing that I'm doing everything I can to create a healthy environment for this next little embryo. The 2 "failed" cycles we had were both with Crinone only, so I am actually pleased to be on the PIO. It makes me more confident.
In fact, I'm feeling very positive about this whole cycle. The first time, I was nothing but hopeful. I hadn't experienced the pain of loss yet. But after a 6w miscarriage and a failed cycle - my innocence is gone. I know all too well that things can (and do) go wrong. I imagine that I'll be checking the TP every time I go to the bathroom. But I do feel good. Micah scheduled a massage for me to help me relax before my transfer on Monday. I took both Monday and Tuesday off from school so I can lay on the couch all day.
I'm already planning on being pregnant this spring and summer. I'm in a wedding so I'm trying to find a maternity bridesmaid dress. In talking about vacation plans, I'm assuming I'll have a newborn next Christmas. I know the danger in planning ahead. (In fact, my due date for the one I lost is next week - I had planned on having a baby now.) But, yet - my mind is off and running. I'm taking it as a positive, healthy sign b/c I can be a bit of a pessimist. This time, I'm hopeful.
Send some prayers my way on Monday morning if you think of it - pray that those embies snuggle in tight!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Something different this time
We had our baseline appointment at our clinic yesterday. It was so fun because everyone there is so thrilled that we got donor embryos and they are really hoping that we end up with another little one. They marvel over how cute our DD is and give her fruit snacks. It reminded me how blessed we are to be able to stay with our clinic in NY instead of traveling to Florida.
Everything looked fine for my baseline. They told me they have a new FET protocol. In the past, I've just used Estrace and either Crinone or PIO. This time, they are adding Lupron. It seems strange to me. I've known lots of people (well, known them online) that have used it - but usually they use it before their period, along with BCPs. I'm only using it for 10 days, along with the Estrace. The nurse explained that it shuts down my own hormones so my body doesn't make progesterone before it's time. I'll stop the Lupron when I start the progesterone. Then they said if it was too expensive, I don't have to do it, but they really recommend it. I guess I'm up for anything that they think will help. I'm a little concerned because I've never seen it used this way; but I'm sure the RE knows a lot more than me. So, I have a box arriving in a few hours and I'll get started on it. (And, as a bonus - the insurance covered most of it!)
Also, they've changed their standard protocol back to PIO for the FETs (which is what I used when we got DD). I'm actually very happy about that. (How often do you hear that?) The last 2 cycles I used only Crinone - and while my rear end was thankful, my progesterone levels dropped and I lost the first baby and the second cycle failed. There's no way to be sure it was the progesterone that caused those things, but I will feel more secure using the PIO. Not that I'm looking forward to the sore rump for 12 weeks, but at least I'll feel like I did everything possible on my part. (Plus, they gave me progesterone in ethyl oleate - it's much thinner than the PIO I had before - so maybe I won't be as sore?)
I go back for blood work and US on March 4th. If all looks good, my transfer will be 5 days after that. I'm just so happy to be starting all this again. I feel very hopeful about this cycle. It seems that God is at work, and so I hope the completion of that work is a little baby.....
Everything looked fine for my baseline. They told me they have a new FET protocol. In the past, I've just used Estrace and either Crinone or PIO. This time, they are adding Lupron. It seems strange to me. I've known lots of people (well, known them online) that have used it - but usually they use it before their period, along with BCPs. I'm only using it for 10 days, along with the Estrace. The nurse explained that it shuts down my own hormones so my body doesn't make progesterone before it's time. I'll stop the Lupron when I start the progesterone. Then they said if it was too expensive, I don't have to do it, but they really recommend it. I guess I'm up for anything that they think will help. I'm a little concerned because I've never seen it used this way; but I'm sure the RE knows a lot more than me. So, I have a box arriving in a few hours and I'll get started on it. (And, as a bonus - the insurance covered most of it!)
Also, they've changed their standard protocol back to PIO for the FETs (which is what I used when we got DD). I'm actually very happy about that. (How often do you hear that?) The last 2 cycles I used only Crinone - and while my rear end was thankful, my progesterone levels dropped and I lost the first baby and the second cycle failed. There's no way to be sure it was the progesterone that caused those things, but I will feel more secure using the PIO. Not that I'm looking forward to the sore rump for 12 weeks, but at least I'll feel like I did everything possible on my part. (Plus, they gave me progesterone in ethyl oleate - it's much thinner than the PIO I had before - so maybe I won't be as sore?)
I go back for blood work and US on March 4th. If all looks good, my transfer will be 5 days after that. I'm just so happy to be starting all this again. I feel very hopeful about this cycle. It seems that God is at work, and so I hope the completion of that work is a little baby.....
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It has begun
"It" being our cycle.
Wow - so after we considered our 'crazy options,' we decided to choose the embryos at our local clinic and we released the ones in Fl back into the donor pool. I'm sure that God has a family in mind for them too. I just felt that the embryos at our clinic were a gift straight from God's hand. We didn't even ask for them; they called us! (Which is not usually how they operate.) We love our clinic and were sad to have to go elsewhere. PLUS, the donor coordinator agreed to waive that 'case management fee' since we've been with them for so long. That's another $500 savings in addition to the cost we save by not having to travel. Plus, the timing was so specific with the FL situation; if my period came on the wrong day, it wouldn't have worked this month - or next month.
Well, yet again - it's clear how God goes ahead of us and provides what we need. My period came early. I woke up with it this morning - 4 days early. That's very strange b/c I'm quite regular. (My sister is living with us now; maybe her hormones messed me up.) However, it's all ok because I'm using the clinic here in NY. My baseline is thursday and I'll start my meds and get my schedule then. FET cycles are very simple at our clinic. My transfer will be in about 2 weeks!
I'm so optimistic and excited! I feel confident that we are walking along the path that God has laid out for us. And I hope and pray this time, that path leads to a baby.....
Wow - so after we considered our 'crazy options,' we decided to choose the embryos at our local clinic and we released the ones in Fl back into the donor pool. I'm sure that God has a family in mind for them too. I just felt that the embryos at our clinic were a gift straight from God's hand. We didn't even ask for them; they called us! (Which is not usually how they operate.) We love our clinic and were sad to have to go elsewhere. PLUS, the donor coordinator agreed to waive that 'case management fee' since we've been with them for so long. That's another $500 savings in addition to the cost we save by not having to travel. Plus, the timing was so specific with the FL situation; if my period came on the wrong day, it wouldn't have worked this month - or next month.
Well, yet again - it's clear how God goes ahead of us and provides what we need. My period came early. I woke up with it this morning - 4 days early. That's very strange b/c I'm quite regular. (My sister is living with us now; maybe her hormones messed me up.) However, it's all ok because I'm using the clinic here in NY. My baseline is thursday and I'll start my meds and get my schedule then. FET cycles are very simple at our clinic. My transfer will be in about 2 weeks!
I'm so optimistic and excited! I feel confident that we are walking along the path that God has laid out for us. And I hope and pray this time, that path leads to a baby.....
This is NOT second best!!
Why do people assume that embryo adoption is less than God's best, divine plan?
My husband's parents run a "healing room" - which is basically a consistent place/time that people can go seek prayer. Sometimes it's helpful to have someone you may not know so well pray you you and your situation. It's kind of a neat thing. So we went for prayer last night - partly b/c our whole family has been sick - and partly to pray for our upcoming adopted embryo FET.
So, we went and a small group of people prayed for us to beat this stupid cold/flu thing that's lingered. Then we asked them to pray for our frozen babies and upcoming transfer. They did - and it was mostly encouraging. But the one guy then said "while it's great that they have this option, I'm sure what you really want is to be healed and produce a biological child, so let's pray for that." Then they proceeded to pray that Micah's body would do what it's supposed to so he can father his own child.
They really had the best of intentions, but I was rather annoyed. First of all, Micah IS a father and Leah Rae IS his own child. I don't think a dad could love his daughter more. But more than that, I felt like they were saying that somehow our family is second best - this is not God's perfect healing. Healing comes in lots of ways. In our case, we believe that Micah and I were designed perfectly to adopt embryos and give them a chance at life. He has Klinefelters'; I am healthy and fertile. We each had a heart for adoption before we were married. And I believe that complete healing occurs when we reflect God's glory in a perfect way. Our family IS perfect - and our adoptive story reflects the Christian's adoption into the family of God. God has aligned the desires of our hearts to His perfect plan for us. What further healing needs to take place? To be honest, I'm not sure that I would even want a biological child at this point. I'm so excited at what God's done to bring us little Leah and I can't wait to see what He does next.
It just frustrates me when people can't see it from my perspective. And I know that's self-centered. But really, I want to shout from the rooftops - our family is not second best. Embryo adoption IS God's best for us. And it's most definitely God's best for my daughter and any siblings she might have. Family is not all about the parents - it's also about the children that need parents: frozen or otherwise. Adoption is not about the parents wanting a child - it's about the child needing a family. Embryo adoption is no different. It's about the kid's that we're giving life to and loving - not just about us. THIS is God's best.
My husband's parents run a "healing room" - which is basically a consistent place/time that people can go seek prayer. Sometimes it's helpful to have someone you may not know so well pray you you and your situation. It's kind of a neat thing. So we went for prayer last night - partly b/c our whole family has been sick - and partly to pray for our upcoming adopted embryo FET.
So, we went and a small group of people prayed for us to beat this stupid cold/flu thing that's lingered. Then we asked them to pray for our frozen babies and upcoming transfer. They did - and it was mostly encouraging. But the one guy then said "while it's great that they have this option, I'm sure what you really want is to be healed and produce a biological child, so let's pray for that." Then they proceeded to pray that Micah's body would do what it's supposed to so he can father his own child.
They really had the best of intentions, but I was rather annoyed. First of all, Micah IS a father and Leah Rae IS his own child. I don't think a dad could love his daughter more. But more than that, I felt like they were saying that somehow our family is second best - this is not God's perfect healing. Healing comes in lots of ways. In our case, we believe that Micah and I were designed perfectly to adopt embryos and give them a chance at life. He has Klinefelters'; I am healthy and fertile. We each had a heart for adoption before we were married. And I believe that complete healing occurs when we reflect God's glory in a perfect way. Our family IS perfect - and our adoptive story reflects the Christian's adoption into the family of God. God has aligned the desires of our hearts to His perfect plan for us. What further healing needs to take place? To be honest, I'm not sure that I would even want a biological child at this point. I'm so excited at what God's done to bring us little Leah and I can't wait to see what He does next.
It just frustrates me when people can't see it from my perspective. And I know that's self-centered. But really, I want to shout from the rooftops - our family is not second best. Embryo adoption IS God's best for us. And it's most definitely God's best for my daughter and any siblings she might have. Family is not all about the parents - it's also about the children that need parents: frozen or otherwise. Adoption is not about the parents wanting a child - it's about the child needing a family. Embryo adoption is no different. It's about the kid's that we're giving life to and loving - not just about us. THIS is God's best.
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