Secondary Infertility - and other thoughts

     I’ve pretty  much dropped off the blogging scene - because I didn’t really have anything to say.  (I still read my friends’ blogs; I love keeping up with you all.)

We both felt really beaten down after our last failed FET.  Emotionally and spiritually, Micah and I were both bewildered and downtrodden.  It’s been a rough season.   We were SO sure that those embryos were providentially chosen for us - they seemed like a gift from God’s hand.  (Both sets: the Indian embryos and then the last failed set.)  It was just such a shock that none of them stuck.  We’ve had 4 failed FETs in the last 18 months.  It’s disheartening.   But we know that donor FETs work.  Our amazing, wonderful, sweet EA daughter will turn 2 next month.  We are so blessed to have her - I love being a mom even more than I thought I would.

     And that’s what makes this infertility so much more difficult.  I’m finding this ‘secondary infertility’ even more painful than it was before we had Leah.  I long so desperately to be pregnant again.  I want so much to give Leah a sibling - to nurse another child - to expand our family.  It’s just not working.  Our clinic had several sets of embryos available this summer - but we didn’t have enough money saved to ‘adopt’ them.  Now that we’ve figured out how to pay for our next embryo adoption, there are none available.  So we wait.  And wonder - should we even try again?  Most would be tempted to give up after 4 failed FETs.  But our first FET worked - so we’re 1 for 5.  (Our clinic’s success rates aren’t that great, so we should expect that.  The clinic freezes all embryos, not just the high quality ones - so in reality, we’re getting lower quality leftovers than other clinics.  We knew that going into it and we’re happy to give any embryo a chance.)  So, I guess we just wait and keep trying, right?

    Except that my husband threw me a curve ball this week.  He suggested we consider donor sperm.  We talked about that briefly in the beginning of our journey.  Financially, it makes the most sense.  Our insurance covers IUIs -so we’d only have to pay for the sperm (which is WAY cheaper than adopting embryos!)

But it didn’t feel right for us.  We felt called to adopt - and I’m perfectly fertile.  We really believed that God was going to create our family through embryo adoption.  And He did.   When we began to try for a 2nd child, we were stilll confident that this is how God was working.  Even after a few failed transfers, we still thought that.  But now we’re not so confident.  Maybe I need to be more open to God working differently than I thought.  Maybe God is working on our hearts to be ready for this option?

    I would LOVE to hear from you ladies; how did God lead you to the path you’re on??  (Especially Diane and Paula -I appreciate any thoughts you might share!)  I’m not sure if we’re truly being led in this direction or if we’re just considering taking the faster/cheaper way out.  I love to share Leah’s adoption story.  What would I tell this child (if we concieved?)  I have so many questions jumbled in my head... ... ...

Another BFN

That's all. I don't have much to say.

It only takes one, right?

After dragging and dragging, this cycle kicked into gear and we transferred our little embie yesterday.  I tried acupuncture this time, both before and after the transfer.  I'm not sure that I love acupuncture... ... but if it could possibly help, I'm willing to do it.  (For the money, though, I would much rather have a massage.)

   We had two embryos left, but only one survived the thaw.  (This is the first cycle we've  had one not make it.)  It's kind of discouraging.  I feel like our chances of success are much lower with one (as opposed to 2 or 3 embryos.)  The RE was optimistic though - he said the one we have looks really good.  He reminded us that it only takes one embryo to grow into a baby.

   I would have never chosen to do a single embryo transfer.  We are not alarmed by the risk of multiples - we would happily welcome twins.  All of our other transfers have been 2 or 3 embryos.  Doing the math, we've transferred 11 embryos and had 1 child.  So, it's hard to hold out hope for this little one.  But, as so many of you keep reminding me (which I'm so thankful for) - God knows which children He intends to use here on this earth and which will join Him immediately in Heaven.  And He could fully intend to bless us with this little one now resting in my womb.  Or not.  We'll just have to wait and see.

   The waiting is complicated by the fact that our clinic has a slew of donor embryos available right now.  There hardly ever have embryos - it's just not a well utilized program - and right now they actually have 5 different sets.  I so want to jump on them.  But it seems silly to spend a ton of money to reserve embryos right now when we don't know if we'll end up pregnant from this cycle.  But by the time we have our beta, they could all be gone - they go really fast b/c our clinic doesn't get many of them.  

   Micah thinks that we should just wait and let God work out the timing.  If we snatch up these embies, we are displaying a lack of faith in God.  If we are meant to grow those embryos in our family, then they will still be available if we get a BFN.  Or perhaps God will bless us with a BFP and none of this all matters.  It's just hard to sit and wait.  Waiting is always hard.

     

   I've spent yesterday and today relaxing on the couch.  Well, as much as I can with a toddler.  We had some friends watch Leah yesterday so I could have some time to rest after the transfer.  Things are about to get really busy in the next 2 weeks - so I'm trying to "store up" as much rest as I can... lol!

This is taking forever!

For some reason, it feels like this cycle is taking forever.  It feels like my baseline was so long ago - and my lining check is weeks away.  It's not - it's only days away, but it feels like weeks.  Usually, the time goes by really fast; I don't know what the difference is this time.  I'm just as busy as usual.  I've got just as much stuff on my mind.  I'm not really dwelling on the cycle and the waiting, but somehow it just seems to have dragged on.
   Maybe it's because I kind of feel like we're just going through the motions.  Since we have these 2 embryos left, we might as well give them a chance before we try to figure out what God has next for us.  I don't that's a poor mindset - but maybe a BFN will be less disappointing if I go through it with an indifferent attitude.
   Not much to say right now.  I'm doing my first acupuncture appointment right after our lining check next week.  I'll post more then......

Here we go again......

Once you go through numerous Embryo Adoption cycles, it's hard to get excited about them.  It's a strange balance - trying to be hopeful, yet aware of possibility of loss.  I was so hopeful last time - which ended in so much disappointment.  I'm much more indifferent this time.  So much so, in fact - that I've already started thinking past this cycle.

   So, we ended up doing the endometrial biopsy.  After much prayer, I decided that if God worked out the timing, we would do it.  And He did - so we did.  I took some extra painkillers and got through it.  It sucked in the moment - but it gives me confidence that I am doing everything I can for these last 2 embryos that have been entrusted to us.  

    I'm also trying acupuncture this time.  My RE recommends it so heavily that he offers it free on the day of transfer.  (He's really into Eastern Medicine and he has a "healing arts" center with massage, acupuncture and other spa amenities attached to the clinic.)  I was hesitant at first, but the more I researched and talked to some people, I feel good about it.  A friend of ours pointed out that the tiny needles actually cause micro-injury which brings new blood flow and healing agents to the area.  (Hmmm... same idea as the endometrial biopsy!)  The Bible has lots to say about new growth coming from pruning or cutting back existing stuff...  ... so I decided to embrace that thought, rather than all the other new age-y aspects of acupuncture.  Besides, people talk about how relaxing it is - and I'm definitely up for some relaxing.  (If nothing else, I lay on a table for an hour and do nothing - how often does that happen?)  My first appointment is next Monday and then I'll do it again the day of the transfer.  I know they recommend it for weeks ahead of time, but I just don't have time for that!

   

    We are IN our cycle already.  I'm taking the Lupron shots and Estrace.  The shots are funny - after doing the PIO with the giant needle, the Lupron feels like we're playing with a toy.  Those needles are so tiny in comparison.  It's actually kinda cute.

  My lining check is May 6th and I expect my transfer to be on the 13th - or near there.  Like I said, I'm kind of indifferent - we've just had 3 failed cycles in the past year.  (1 miscarriage and 2 failed FETs.)  On one hand, I really, really hope this cycle gives us another child.  But it's hard to hope.  I find some hope in the stories of my EA bloggy friends.  Jenn - your story is super encouraging in that your 3rd attempt resulted in your beautiful twins.  You are totally right - there is no way to predict which embryos will become children.  And Tracey, being pregnant with Jenn's kids' siblings - that's actually the 4th transfer from that batch, right?  So attempts 3 and 4 brought life to babies?  That encourages me.  But I'm still afraid to hope.  It's hard to explain.

   I've already started thinking about the "what if"s.  If this fails, we have no more embryos.  We will have failed with 2 different donors.  Do we keep trying???  Do we look into foster-adoption?  Or start the process for international adoption?  We've discussed those things before - and we intend to pursue them when our embryo-adopted kids are older (if we're in a better place financially.)  I hoped we'd have more than one EA child.  I thought we'd be better off financially by now.  But Micah keeps reminding me to take things one step at a time.  He's right.  I know I need to sink my focus into *this* transfer and pray for THESE embryos.  So - that's where I'm at.  Getting ready for another go at this whole embryo adoption process.  Thanks, everyone for your comments and your prayers.  I really do feel like I have a great set of friends here in the EA circle!!

What does it mean to trust God?

We've been asking ourselves this question a lot the past few weeks.  We trusted God to build our family - and it hasn't worked out quite like we'd hoped.  Which is ok - I really do want what God has planned for us.  I don't understand why He has allowed us to suffer the losses that He has - but again, I choose to follow Him even when I don't understand.

   The harder part is making decisions for the future.  I am willing to do whatever God leads us to do, but I'm not always sure what that is.  We have 2 embryos left.  Does "trusting God" mean that we just jump in and transfer them, believing that He will give them life if they are the children He has for us?  Or do we wait for a few months, perhaps get a second opinion on why I bleed early?  And what about the endometrial biopsy?  If I do it, is it because I'm trusting in statistics or grasping at anything that might work?  Does it demonstrate a lack of trust in God's providence?  Am I attempting to force God's hand my trying to make the embryo implant?  Or, on the other hand, is it me willing to do whatever it takes me give these little embryos a chance to live?  What does trusting God look like in this situation?

     This stuff has been mulling around in my head for the past few weeks.  In the meantime, I've been recording basal temps and doing OPKs in an attempt to figure out when I ovulate.  (Contemplating a natural cycle this time.)  I think I've made a discovery;  I have a somewhat short luteal phase.  Before we had our baby, I ovulated around day 18 - but my cycle was 32-33 days, so it was not a concern.  (I charted in great detail until we discovered Micah's disorder.)  When I got my cycles back after nursing Leah, it shortened to 28 days - sometimes even 27.  As I charted this cycle, I realized that I still ovulate around Day 18 - making my LP only 10 days.  So...  ...when I started bleeding at 5 days past transfer (= 10 days past ovulation), perhaps that WAS normal.  Maybe the doctor was right - I just started bleeding b/c the embryo didn't implant and my so it was time to shed the lining.  That actually makes me feel better.  Maybe there isn't something wrong after all.
    As we continued to pray, I set out a "fleece."  (You know, the Bible story in Judges where Gideon wants to be absolutely sure God was leading them in to battle, so he set a fleece cloth on the ground and ask God to make the ground wet with dew but keep the fleece dry, if it was in fact His will to go into battle.)  We considered whether to try again with the April cycle or wait till June.  (May wouldn't work b/c of travels.)  We considered the biopsy.  We would have to do the biopsy this week b/c of a youth group trip next week and work schedules before my next period.  So we prayed that if it was God's will to do it - they would be able to schedule it.  And they were.  They have an opening for tomorrow.  So, I guess I'm doing it.
    I am happy about it for 2 reasons.  One is that we can test the lining to make sure it's healthy.  And 2) at least I will be confident that we did everything possible to give these embryos a chance to survive in my womb.  I'm unhappy about it too - cuz I'm scared to death.  Silly me, I searched the Internet to see what I should expect and there are horror stories upon horror stories.  That test is painful!!!  Why wouldn't they put you out for something like that??  I am so scared and nervous about it.  But I finally decided that pain was not a good reason to NOT do it - I just need to suck it up.
   So, keep me in your prayers tomorrow.  I'll be so glad when it's all over.  I can't quite process that we're starting yet another cycle yet - the test is the only thing in my radar.  I'd love any words of wisdom that you all have... ... ...

BFN :(

     The fact that I haven't posted in a while, coupled with my last post about spotting, probably clued you all in to my negative results.  It was no surprise to me; by the time we had the test, I had already been bleeding for 4 days.  Micah was very disappointed - he is ever the faithful optimist and he was holding out hope that somehow God was performing a miracle in the midst of the bleeding.  I love his faith - but it means we process things differently.  By wednesday, I had already realized that this cycle failed, cried, mourned, thrown things, etc.  When the news hit him, he had to deal with it while I had already moved on.

   We do have 2 embryos left, but I needed some answers before we just blindly allowed history to repeat itself.  This is the 3rd loss we've had and the 2nd time I'd started bleeding before beta.  So we scheduled a consult to talk to the doctor, which we did today.  I do like the RE that we met with, but I'm not sure I left with any answers.  He talked about research and how the word 'implantation' is a misnomer.  (Really, the lining grows up around the embryo, it doesn't burrow itself into the lining.)  The general gist of the conversation is that I'm normal.  The reason that I'm bleeding early is just because the embryo has failed to implant.  It's about the embryo, not me.  It has nothing to do with my hormones or my uterus or anything like that.  He thinks the the reason we've not been successful all boils down to the viability of the embryos.
     The RE made an interesting point in terms of embryo donation (or adoption.)  We talk about how we are giving 'leftover' embryos a chance at life.  Point being - they are leftovers.  While embryo grading is just guess about quality based on it's appearance, they use the embryos with the highest grade first.  So, chances are, when we receive a donation of embryos, we're not getting the best.  I guess I knew that - but I hadn't really looked at it that way.  (He also talked about the percent of embryos that are actually viable and mentioned that even in natural conception, embryos are likely fertilized month after month, but most don't end up as children.)  The bottom line is that persistence is key; it just might take several tries to find the embryo that will become our next child.

   The one other things that he said we *could* try is to do an endometrial scratch (or endometrial biopsy.)  Basically, there are some studies in women with recurrent implantation failure that show that "injuring" the lining in the cycle prior increases the chance of implantation.  The RE didn't think that I fall into the "recurrent implantation failure" category since I've carried a child to term and my miscarriage last spring indicated that implantation is very possible.  His words were "we can try that if it would make you feel better for the next cycle."
    So, now I don't know what to think.  First of all, the procedure does NOT sound like fun; most women call it painful.  Secondly, he doesn't sound like it would be that helpful   - we would be doing it just to try something different.  On the other hand, if there is a chance it could help implantation, then shouldn't I try it?  Or would I just be wasting my time, since success is mostly determined by the embryo quality?

  So - there's my update.  I don't know what our next step is.  Do we just jump right in with another cycle?  Do we try this scratch thing first?  Since these that we have left are likely even lower in quality, do we donate the embryos back and look through FIRMs profiles again?  (It would be much cheaper to use the ones we have, since they are already ours.)  I don't know.  I would love any advice or thoughts that any of you have.