Monday, August 26, 2013

Secondary Infertility - and other thoughts

     I’ve pretty  much dropped off the blogging scene - because I didn’t really have anything to say.  (I still read my friends’ blogs; I love keeping up with you all.)
We both felt really beaten down after our last failed FET.  Emotionally and spiritually, Micah and I were both bewildered and downtrodden.  It’s been a rough season.   We were SO sure that those embryos were providentially chosen for us - they seemed like a gift from God’s hand.  (Both sets: the Indian embryos and then the last failed set.)  It was just such a shock that none of them stuck.  We’ve had 4 failed FETs in the last 18 months.  It’s disheartening.   But we know that donor FETs work.  Our amazing, wonderful, sweet EA daughter will turn 2 next month.  We are so blessed to have her - I love being a mom even more than I thought I would.
     And that’s what makes this infertility so much more difficult.  I’m finding this ‘secondary infertility’ even more painful than it was before we had Leah.  I long so desperately to be pregnant again.  I want so much to give Leah a sibling - to nurse another child - to expand our family.  It’s just not working.  Our clinic had several sets of embryos available this summer - but we didn’t have enough money saved to ‘adopt’ them.  Now that we’ve figured out how to pay for our next embryo adoption, there are none available.  So we wait.  And wonder - should we even try again?  Most would be tempted to give up after 4 failed FETs.  But our first FET worked - so we’re 1 for 5.  (Our clinic’s success rates aren’t that great, so we should expect that.  The clinic freezes all embryos, not just the high quality ones - so in reality, we’re getting lower quality leftovers than other clinics.  We knew that going into it and we’re happy to give any embryo a chance.)  So, I guess we just wait and keep trying, right?

    Except that my husband threw me a curve ball this week.  He suggested we consider donor sperm.  We talked about that briefly in the beginning of our journey.  Financially, it makes the most sense.  Our insurance covers IUIs -so we’d only have to pay for the sperm (which is WAY cheaper than adopting embryos!)
But it didn’t feel right for us.  We felt called to adopt - and I’m perfectly fertile.  We really believed that God was going to create our family through embryo adoption.  And He did.   When we began to try for a 2nd child, we were stilll confident that this is how God was working.  Even after a few failed transfers, we still thought that.  But now we’re not so confident.  Maybe I need to be more open to God working differently than I thought.  Maybe God is working on our hearts to be ready for this option?
    I would LOVE to hear from you ladies; how did God lead you to the path you’re on??  (Especially Diane and Paula -I appreciate any thoughts you might share!)  I’m not sure if we’re truly being led in this direction or if we’re just considering taking the faster/cheaper way out.  I love to share Leah’s adoption story.  What would I tell this child (if we concieved?)  I have so many questions jumbled in my head... ... ...