Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sick of feeling sick..

I know it's been a long time since I've posted - I've been sick and busy - not a good combination!
First of all...  we are only having ONE baby.  After all the joy and excitement of seeing 2 heartbeats and the thrill of expecting twins... we learned Tuesday that there is actually only one baby in there.  (The "second heartbeat" may have been the pulse of the umbilical cord.)  We are happy to hear that our baby is healthy and right on track with a heartbeat of ~150 bpm.  But there is still disappointment.  We wanted twins.  I know I should be happy with one - and I AM happy with one - I just wish there was never the mention of twins.  But we know there are lots and lots of reasons why one child is better.  First of all, twins would have put a huge strain on our finances.  And this way, I can give the baby more attention. And I have a better chance of nursing successfully,  etc.  So, we're thanking God for this gift of a child, and trying to to wish there was a second one in there too.

  Also, I have been SO SICK!  I've been nauseous for a couple of weeks now, but Sunday night - I spent the whole night puking.  I really think it was the flu.  I completely emptied my digestive system, I had a fever and chills and shakes  - it felt like the flu.  I spent all day monday in bed.  It's hard to go from flu-like puking back to morning sickness.  To stave off the nausea, I need to snack every 90 minutes  But I didn't dare eat after being sick all night.  So I was a mess.  We had an appt. tuesday morning and they gave me Zofran because I hadn't eaten or really drank much in 36 hours.  I've only taken one pill - I'm afraid it'll affect the baby.  It's a class B drug, so it's "safe" -but it still made me nervous.  It's been nearly a week and I'm still wiped out.  I am exhausted - I can barely stand long enough to shower.  I don't know how I'm going to go back to teaching on Monday.  This week was "vacation" but we had a bunch of Youth Group activities planned, including an all-nighter.  I don't know what I would have done without my amazing husband.  He made everything happen this week.  He's my hero when it comes to youth ministry (and in general.)  He totally has my back.  I hate being sick and not being able to do everything I think I should do.  I feel like a wimp and I hate it.
     We've told several more people about our pregnancy.  The best reaction was last night. We told some friends from church - a slightly older couple that we respect.  They had gone through years of infertility before miraculously conceiving their 2 sons naturally.  She asked how I was feeling (posted on FB that I was sick) and I said "as good as I'm going to for the rest of this trimester."  She screamed and cried - it was so great.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love us and care for us so much.  We are telling the rest of our church family tomorrow.  I am excited about that - but I still feel cautious.  I'm only 8 weeks - we could still lose the baby.  I hate to think of that - and I want to believe that God will finish what He's started in this little life - but the reality is anything could happen.  I'm so afraid of letting the news out - only to have to go back later and retract it.  (It sucked enough telling just a few people that we aren't having twins after all.)  But M reminds me that God does not give us a spirit of fear and that the Enemy is just trying to mess with my mind and make me doubt.  And he's probably right.  Will I ever NOT be afraid?  I don't want this whole pregnancy to be clouded in fear.  I don't want to be a worrier.  I don't like this person I'm becoming. 
   Pray that I can get some rest, feel better, and have confidence in my Lord!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Double the Joy? Maybe?

Last week, we had an ultrasound that pretty clearly showed ONE gestational sac.  The nurse was almost certain that there was one sac.  One sac = one baby, right?
   Yesterday, we had another ultrasound and we got to see our baby's little heartbeat.  It was so cool to see it flickering on the screen.  Then...   ... we saw another heartbeat.  The nurse said "we're all seeing this, right?  I'm not just having an eye twitch?"  She searched and searched for the second sac (which is so not comfortable, I might add) but couldn't find it.  So:  one sac. TWO heartbeats.  It seems that we may be having identical twins.  The one surviving embryo split.  That just doesn't happen.  (It happens naturally, of course - but for a previously frozen embryo to split into twins is just amazing!) 
    She was able to measure both babies and they are within 2 days of each other.  Baby A's heart rate is  117bpm, but we couldn't measure Baby B's heart rate.  So, we'll know more next week when the sacs are bigger.  It's possible that they are fraternal and Baby B's sac is just hiding.  Stay tuned. 
     In the meantime, I'm gearing up to be the mother of twins!  M has had a perma-grin on his face since the appointment.  I'm pretty excited myself.  We've both always wanted twins and when we started TTCing, we prayed for twins.  We know we're crazy and that we'll never sleep again and we'll be broke for the rest of our lives.  But we figure, with both of us having this crazy desire, it must be that God put it there.  I have to admit, we were dissapointed last week to learn that there was only one baby.  Don't get me wrong, we were thrilled to be pregnant and praised God immensely.  But now, we're even more thrilled and praising God more than we knew was possible.  The secret desire of my heart is for identical twins - and God has blessed me more than I can ever ask or imagine. 

    On a less joyful note.... I feel yucky.  I'm pretty much nauseous all day.  I haven't thrown up yet, and I thank God without ceasing for that.  (I HATE throwing up.)  But it's hard to be so excited and feel this yucky at the same time.  It gets really bad when I haven't eaten, but if I eat too much, I feel sick too.  Sucking on peppermint candy does help.  We went out after Christmas and bought tons of leftover candycanes just for this pupose.  (I was hoping we'd get pregnant and I knew that peppermint usually helps me.)  I think I'm getting enough calories for me and both babies in candy canes alone! But, like I said - I haven't been sick enough to throw up so I'm grateful.  I need to stop complaining.  I'm so blessed to be pregnant!!!!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

When am I due????

     We had our first prenatal ultrasound this week.  Our clinic has an online portal where I can go to see my lab results and med instructions and upcoming appointments, etc.  It's pretty cool.  What was really cool was when I last got on the portal and it said my next appt was for "Ultrasound (obstetrical)."  Wow - an OB ultrasound - I thought that might never happen.  Anyway, we got to see the gestational sac and the beginnings of the fetal pole - it was really neat.  (We were kind of hoping for 2 sacs - twins -but I discovered that I was actually relieved to be only having one baby.  It's much more likely that I can have a natural delivery and more success breastfeeding than it would be if I had twins.)
     Even though I'm just barely pregnant - of course, I'm thinking about my due date.  The best that I had figured, I would be due Oct 7th.  I thought I was 5 1/2 weeks at that ultrasound.  (I used online FET calculators, several of them, to confirm my calculations.)  But the nurse said I was only 4 1/2 weeks along.  I asked how she figured and she said a bunch of stuff about how it would be 2 weeks at retrieval, but with FET, they use the transfer date, then go back how many days old it is, etc.  It sounded like what I had figured.  Then she told me I'm due Oct 13th.
   WHAT?  Oct 13th is when I would be due if we went strictly by my LMP (last menstrual period - the usual way of calculating due dates.)  But that doesn't work here.  There were only 12 days between my LMP and the FET and at that point, the embryo was already 5 days old.  We're missing a whole week in there.  PLUS, if I was really only 4 1/2 weeks, my beta wouldn't be 11,000+ nor would we see a gestational sac already.  I don't get it.  Why would they just go by LMP?
   I don't want to be argumentative, but it's frustrating.  I don't want to be off by a week for my entire pregnancy.  Hopefully, I'll get a different nurse this week and I can ask her.  They are expecting to see the heartbeat this week - which I am really looking forward to.  Each time we go, I believe just a little bit more than I really am pregnant.
   On another note:  we're looking for a creative way to announce our pregnancy to our church.  There are 2 friends that we MUST tell before anyone else finds out - and we're doing that next weekend.  Then we want to announce it to our church family, but we need a creative way to explain embryo adoption.  We don't want to just say that we're pregnant.  We want everyone to know that we're pregnant with our adopted child.  We're excited about how the Lord has led us to this point.  Anyone have any ideas????

Monday, February 7, 2011

I'm going to have a baby. Duh!

Funny story:  M and I went the mall the other day to go to Borders to look at some pregnancy books.  (I wanted to get pregnancy books way back when we started TTCing, and he suggested that I wait until I was actually pregnant.  So this trip has been a long time coming.)  But it's important to note that the purpose of the trip was to buy books because I'm pregnant.  (hehe - I love saying that.)
   So, we walked into the mall, and right near the entrance were two women chatting.  One was holding a very new baby and the other was gushing about how adorable the baby was.  (It was cute.)  Anyway, automatically, my first inclination was to be wistful and think "someday, maybe we'll get or have a baby."  It took me a minute to remember that "someday" is in 9 months, give or take.  I'm pregnant.  We ARE going to have a baby.  I'm still not quite sure I believe it.  When did I become such a doubter???

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

It's Official!

I'm pregnant!!!!   I still can't quite believe it.  After TTC for so long, and getting so many BFNs..... I can't quite believe that I'm actually pregnant.   (Please forgive the delay in posting; there were some people IRL that had to be told before I could post on here.)

   So, as you saw a few days ago - my first beta was a 52, meaning that I was pregnant.  It was very early (8dp5dt) so I hadn't even bothered to take an HPT yet.  I had a spotting/bleeding scare the night before the beta, with bright red blood.  I was so sure that it was all over and I was losing the embryos.  We called our parents and asked them to pray for us and the bleeding stopped.  Let me tell you, that was a long, restless night!
    Thursday morning, we drove the hour to the clinic, had the blood drawn and then went shopping, trying to distract us from the 2+ hour wait to hear our results.  Just before noon, we drove to Chipotle (our favorite lunch spot in Syracuse) and had just pulled into the parking lot when Teah called.  (She's our favorite nurse; she's not usually the one to make such phone calls, but she was excited to give us our news, so they let her call.)  When she told us that the test was positive, we both sat there and cried.  M had more faith than I did, but we were both incredibly grateful for a positive result.  (Then I went home and POASed because I wanted to see what a positive actually looked like!)
     We kept the news quiet for a few days (except for my post on here to clue all you EA ladies in).  We drove to Rochester to meet my mom for dinner and gave her a picture frame that said "Grandkids are life's greatest blessing."  In the frame, we had pics of the embryos, the ultrasound when they were transferred and the positive pregnancy test.  It took her a while to catch on, but it was a priceless moment.
   The next day, we celebrated my FIL and BIL's birthday.   My in-laws have 10 grandchildren, and for each one, they have little wooden picture frame from the state fair with the kid's name and picture.  2 years ago, when M and I started TTCing, we bought one that said "baby" and have saved it all this time, as a way to announce our pregnancy.  We put the pic of the embryos, along with a pic of the positive test, in that frame and gave it to dad as a birthday gift.  Everyone watched him try to figure out what it was.  Finally, M said "that little stick says that we're pregnant."  That was a sweet moment too!
        Even as we were announcing our pregnancy to our family, I was still hesitant to believe that I was actually pregnant, or that the pregnancy was going to last.   (It was SO early.)  Finally on Monday, I had a second beta, that should have quadrupled since it was 4 days later.  It jumped from 52 to 378!!!   So, now I'm confident that I'm really pregnant!  Stuff could still go wrong, but I'm choosing not to focus on that.  I need to have faith that God has good things in store for us.  M is calling 2011 our 'year of blessing.'  (The last year and a half has been really rough for us; infertility was just one part of our struggle.)  
       God promises that 'sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.'  I think morning has arrived!  My goal is to "be joyful always" throughout this next year.  Already, this pregnancy hasn't been a picnic (we had a really bad progesterone shot the other day, leaving me with a limp) but I'm so grateful for God's blessings in our lives.  I think I'm afraid to believe that God has good things for us.  Oh, I know that God's will is always good, but it's not usually what I see as good at the moment.  I know that God wants to bring Himself glory, and that He wants to grow me, and I willingly accepts the necessary trials as from His hand.  I want God to be glorified in my life, even if it's hard at the moment.  I easily believe that whatever we're going through will be Good, later.  It's hard to believe that God has good things for us right now.  But He does!  I'm pregnant.  We get to adopt our family AND I get to be pregnant.  Thank you God!