I know it's been a long time since I've posted - I've been sick and busy - not a good combination!
First of all... we are only having ONE baby. After all the joy and excitement of seeing 2 heartbeats and the thrill of expecting twins... we learned Tuesday that there is actually only one baby in there. (The "second heartbeat" may have been the pulse of the umbilical cord.) We are happy to hear that our baby is healthy and right on track with a heartbeat of ~150 bpm. But there is still disappointment. We wanted twins. I know I should be happy with one - and I AM happy with one - I just wish there was never the mention of twins. But we know there are lots and lots of reasons why one child is better. First of all, twins would have put a huge strain on our finances. And this way, I can give the baby more attention. And I have a better chance of nursing successfully, etc. So, we're thanking God for this gift of a child, and trying to to wish there was a second one in there too.
Also, I have been SO SICK! I've been nauseous for a couple of weeks now, but Sunday night - I spent the whole night puking. I really think it was the flu. I completely emptied my digestive system, I had a fever and chills and shakes - it felt like the flu. I spent all day monday in bed. It's hard to go from flu-like puking back to morning sickness. To stave off the nausea, I need to snack every 90 minutes But I didn't dare eat after being sick all night. So I was a mess. We had an appt. tuesday morning and they gave me Zofran because I hadn't eaten or really drank much in 36 hours. I've only taken one pill - I'm afraid it'll affect the baby. It's a class B drug, so it's "safe" -but it still made me nervous. It's been nearly a week and I'm still wiped out. I am exhausted - I can barely stand long enough to shower. I don't know how I'm going to go back to teaching on Monday. This week was "vacation" but we had a bunch of Youth Group activities planned, including an all-nighter. I don't know what I would have done without my amazing husband. He made everything happen this week. He's my hero when it comes to youth ministry (and in general.) He totally has my back. I hate being sick and not being able to do everything I think I should do. I feel like a wimp and I hate it.
We've told several more people about our pregnancy. The best reaction was last night. We told some friends from church - a slightly older couple that we respect. They had gone through years of infertility before miraculously conceiving their 2 sons naturally. She asked how I was feeling (posted on FB that I was sick) and I said "as good as I'm going to for the rest of this trimester." She screamed and cried - it was so great. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love us and care for us so much. We are telling the rest of our church family tomorrow. I am excited about that - but I still feel cautious. I'm only 8 weeks - we could still lose the baby. I hate to think of that - and I want to believe that God will finish what He's started in this little life - but the reality is anything could happen. I'm so afraid of letting the news out - only to have to go back later and retract it. (It sucked enough telling just a few people that we aren't having twins after all.) But M reminds me that God does not give us a spirit of fear and that the Enemy is just trying to mess with my mind and make me doubt. And he's probably right. Will I ever NOT be afraid? I don't want this whole pregnancy to be clouded in fear. I don't want to be a worrier. I don't like this person I'm becoming.
Pray that I can get some rest, feel better, and have confidence in my Lord!
Praying for you right now! Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeletePraising God with you for that one baby growing in your belly! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're having to deal with the sadness of finding out there are not two babies growing inside you. Even though there was never an identical twin, you do need to grieve the loss of the dream of having twins, and I think that's okay.
ReplyDeletePraise the Lord for that one beautiful little heartbeat, though! May God give you the strength to endure the discomfort of the first trimester!
What I've learned is that parenthood is all about fear. In your first trimester, you worry about miscarriage. In your second trimester, you worry about birth defects. In your third trimester, you worry about cord accidents and preterm labor. Then once they're here, you worry about illness and feedings, and... You just have to consciously lay down that fear, over and over and over again. Just take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when you're struggling with illness, remember that your #1 job right now is a job that no one else can do. Your job is to grow that baby and take care of both you and him (for some reason, in my head, he's a him!) And if that's the ONLY job you can do for the next 7 months, so be it. Other people can do everything else...just focus on getting you, hubby and baby through each day. Don't worry about anything else and don't put pressure on yourself to do anything else if you're too sick. Praying it was "just" the stomach flu though (ha ha, my how what we say changes when we're sick in pregnancy!) and that you'll be feeling well soon!