Friday, September 27, 2013

...losing excitement in the journey....

Remember the first time you started a fertility cycle?  Remember how much joy and adventure and hope there was?  You were sad to be in that place where you needed to start a fertility cycle, but the hope of good things was the predominant feeling?  
   I remember getting this big 'ole box of meds in the mail that first time.  I opened it and looked at everything.  I marveled at the amount of meds I would be taking (and it was only a FET.)  I recall taking pics of the meds and the giant needles, wondering exactly what I was getting myself into.  But it was kinda... ... fun.  It was an adventure.  I even happily handed my husband the syringe for that first PIO shot.  I was excited about it!
Do you remember those days?

Our first cycle was cancelled b/c I ovulated on my own and they couldn't be sure when.  But we started again a few weeks later and our first complete cycle resulted in our beautiful, sweet Leah Rae.  That was nearly 3 years ago.  Since then, we've tried four more times with 1 miscarriage and 3 BFNs.  The excitement is gone.  The adventure is gone.  It doesn't even "feel" like I'm trying again.

Don't get me wrong - receiving these embryos was definitely a miracle.  And we are hopeful that God is going to bless these embryos (and us) with life.  But the journey isn't so exciting any longer.  My baseline b/w and ultrasound was all good.  I'm taking estrogen pills 3 times a day as well as aspirin and and prenatals.  (I had stopped the prenatals in complete frustration after the last BFN.)  But I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  My brain has so much hope, but my heart is so numb.  
   My lining check is next Wednesday.  If all looks good, they'll schedule the transfer for the following week.  Hopefully, I'll have mustered up some excitement by then... .... 

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate! With my first FET I was giddy with excitement. I was even excited last year when we tried for baby number two. Then two canceled cycles and a bfn I was kinda over it. But for my last cycle once I was cleared to proceed the excitement returned. I think that we guard our hearts after so many setbacks. Praying that you upcoming cycle goes smoothly and you get a bfp!