As I said earlier, I am feeling very positive and hopeful about this cycle. This is not like me - I tend to be a pessimist. (Well, I call myself a realist, but Micah says I'm a pessimist.) I'm just all too aware of what can and often does go wrong. I know statistics and maybe a little too much biology. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
With the last few cycles, Micah was always so positive - he would always tell me that God wants us to have children and He could save this baby (when we were losing them.) My response was always - sure, He could - but I don't think He's going to. Maybe it's just a difference in theology - my God is not all sunshine and roses; not everything works out the way the Christian wants them to. Sure, God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Roman 8:28) but that doesn't mean we get our way in the moment. So - usually, I'm cautious, I'll admit - even pessimistic. Maybe I just like to protect myself from disappointment.
But THIS cycle - it's totally different. I really believe that I'm going to have a baby in 9 months. I think that this child is a gift straight from God's hand and that He'll breathe life into these embryos. I was feeling positive even before this weekend. But in church on Sunday, as we were worshipping, I began to feel even more hopeful. They played two songs that are very special to us. First was "Never Once" by Matt Redman - talking about how God has been with us through all the trials and battles and He's never left us. Then we sang "Mighty to Save" by Chris Tomlin - which has sort of been "our" song - we chose it for worship at our wedding and it was a special experience where everyone in the room (nonbelievers too) could sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. (The non-christians didn't call it that - but they commented on "something spiritual' going on.") As we worshipped God through those songs, I began to feel even more confident and hopeful that God is going to do another miracle for us through this cycle.
Then we got to the clinic on Monday morning. We had a couples massage right before my transfer. (To help me relax - and Micah wanted one too.) There is a spa attached to the clinic so it was all very relaxing. Then I saw our embryos. Check out this pic:
I've just been laying around resting yesterday and today. The next week is super busy - Micah is going out of town with our teens for a few days and I have lots of work to do. Our first beta is next Wednesday. (We've only told 3 family members, and they all think beta is Friday - so we can see if it doubles before telling anyone.) I think the time will fly by quickly. I hate waiting. I just want to know right now if it worked!
I realize that by being so positive and hopeful, I'm setting myself up for greater disappointment if it fails. But the outcome will be the same regardless of how I feel about it. So I'm going to choose to be positive this time. I'll keep y'all posted.