So much for that.....

My last post was all full of positive thoughts.  Those are all gone and I'm discouraged and frustrated.  I'm bleeding.  Not just spotting - bleeding.  Already.  And I'm having deja vu.

I'll admit that, as positive as I was, I still checked the TP every time I used the restroom.  (TMI sorry)  After the last 2 losses, I am conditioned to do that, I guess.
Yesterday afternoon, I discovered some "old blood." I was ok with that.  But then there was a little more in my underwear.  I texted Micah (who was out of town) and told him to start praying for our embryonic children.  It wasn't much of the rest of the day, so I assumed I was good and went to bed.  I was a little worried, just b/c of all that we've been through - but I tried to stay positive.  The RE said that spotting is normal.

But this morning, I woke up with red blood.  Off and on, pretty much all day.  Sometimes, I see more brown clumpy "old blood" but most of the time it's bright red.  I'm not filling a pad an hour (RE said to call if it gets that bad) - but I am changing my pantyliner every few hours.  I just want to cry.  It's too early to be my period.  (I'm just 6dp5dt.)  But clearly, something is wrong.  This is exactly what happened with our other failed cycle.  (And the miscarriage, but that didn't start until after the positive beta.)  That time I blamed it on the lack of progesterone.  (I was using Crinone only, and it was down near 5, instead of 20 like it's supposed to be.)  But this time, I'm using the PIO - I should have plenty of progesterone.  There should be no bleeding.  This baby needs to stay in there.  That was an incredible hatching embryo that needs a home - why is my body denying it that?  My cycles are so normal and regular all the time.  I just had a SIS done to make sure my uterus looked good.  There is no reason that my body is doing this.

   Micah is still positive (as usual.)  I am really trying - but he's not the one that sees what's in my underwear every time I use the restroom (which is often, lol.)   I'm praying for a miracle; for the bleeding to stop and the baby to hang on.  But I'm doubting it'll happen.  I'm right back where I was 9 months ago.  It doesn't help that I would likely have a baby now if I hadn't miscarried (I would have been due this pas week.)  It's just a lot of emotional baggage.
 
  I guess I'll go back to doing what I do best: staying busy.  Then I can pretend that this isn't happening AGAIN.  Seriously, will God drag us through this yet again?