Sunday, April 28, 2013

Here we go again......

Once you go through numerous Embryo Adoption cycles, it's hard to get excited about them.  It's a strange balance - trying to be hopeful, yet aware of possibility of loss.  I was so hopeful last time - which ended in so much disappointment.  I'm much more indifferent this time.  So much so, in fact - that I've already started thinking past this cycle.
   So, we ended up doing the endometrial biopsy.  After much prayer, I decided that if God worked out the timing, we would do it.  And He did - so we did.  I took some extra painkillers and got through it.  It sucked in the moment - but it gives me confidence that I am doing everything I can for these last 2 embryos that have been entrusted to us.  
    I'm also trying acupuncture this time.  My RE recommends it so heavily that he offers it free on the day of transfer.  (He's really into Eastern Medicine and he has a "healing arts" center with massage, acupuncture and other spa amenities attached to the clinic.)  I was hesitant at first, but the more I researched and talked to some people, I feel good about it.  A friend of ours pointed out that the tiny needles actually cause micro-injury which brings new blood flow and healing agents to the area.  (Hmmm... same idea as the endometrial biopsy!)  The Bible has lots to say about new growth coming from pruning or cutting back existing stuff...  ... so I decided to embrace that thought, rather than all the other new age-y aspects of acupuncture.  Besides, people talk about how relaxing it is - and I'm definitely up for some relaxing.  (If nothing else, I lay on a table for an hour and do nothing - how often does that happen?)  My first appointment is next Monday and then I'll do it again the day of the transfer.  I know they recommend it for weeks ahead of time, but I just don't have time for that!
    We are IN our cycle already.  I'm taking the Lupron shots and Estrace.  The shots are funny - after doing the PIO with the giant needle, the Lupron feels like we're playing with a toy.  Those needles are so tiny in comparison.  It's actually kinda cute.

  My lining check is May 6th and I expect my transfer to be on the 13th - or near there.  Like I said, I'm kind of indifferent - we've just had 3 failed cycles in the past year.  (1 miscarriage and 2 failed FETs.)  On one hand, I really, really hope this cycle gives us another child.  But it's hard to hope.  I find some hope in the stories of my EA bloggy friends.  Jenn - your story is super encouraging in that your 3rd attempt resulted in your beautiful twins.  You are totally right - there is no way to predict which embryos will become children.  And Tracey, being pregnant with Jenn's kids' siblings - that's actually the 4th transfer from that batch, right?  So attempts 3 and 4 brought life to babies?  That encourages me.  But I'm still afraid to hope.  It's hard to explain.

   I've already started thinking about the "what if"s.  If this fails, we have no more embryos.  We will have failed with 2 different donors.  Do we keep trying???  Do we look into foster-adoption?  Or start the process for international adoption?  We've discussed those things before - and we intend to pursue them when our embryo-adopted kids are older (if we're in a better place financially.)  I hoped we'd have more than one EA child.  I thought we'd be better off financially by now.  But Micah keeps reminding me to take things one step at a time.  He's right.  I know I need to sink my focus into *this* transfer and pray for THESE embryos.  So - that's where I'm at.  Getting ready for another go at this whole embryo adoption process.  Thanks, everyone for your comments and your prayers.  I really do feel like I have a great set of friends here in the EA circle!!


  1. I felt so many similar feelings before our fourth EA transfer. I will be praying for you and those two little ones!

  2. My first two FETs were from different embryo donors but the point is still the same of course...u don't know which embryos will continue growing. Praying for a successful pregnancy this time around for u! :)

    1. Our first two were from a different batch. (Different from DD and from the ones we just transferred in Feb) Hopefully these last 2 embies from the 2nd batch will stick!

  3. I know how you feel about mixed emotions. Praying for you!

  4. Matthew came as a result of our third transfer.

    Our next transfer is a couple of days before yours and I am struggling with a lot of the same feelings of detachment. I will pray for you as I'm praying through my own feelings.

  5. I know it is so hard to get your hopes up after you have experienced loss. This past transfer was much harder for me than the second one after losing Keller's sibling. It really is just SO out of our control, which makes it hard. Rest in the knowledge that you are just taking the next right step and trustingt God with the results. Be encouraged! My husband totally did not believe we would get pregnant again after our last loss and here we are! : ) praying for you!