Monday, April 8, 2013

What does it mean to trust God?

We've been asking ourselves this question a lot the past few weeks.  We trusted God to build our family - and it hasn't worked out quite like we'd hoped.  Which is ok - I really do want what God has planned for us.  I don't understand why He has allowed us to suffer the losses that He has - but again, I choose to follow Him even when I don't understand.
   The harder part is making decisions for the future.  I am willing to do whatever God leads us to do, but I'm not always sure what that is.  We have 2 embryos left.  Does "trusting God" mean that we just jump in and transfer them, believing that He will give them life if they are the children He has for us?  Or do we wait for a few months, perhaps get a second opinion on why I bleed early?  And what about the endometrial biopsy?  If I do it, is it because I'm trusting in statistics or grasping at anything that might work?  Does it demonstrate a lack of trust in God's providence?  Am I attempting to force God's hand my trying to make the embryo implant?  Or, on the other hand, is it me willing to do whatever it takes me give these little embryos a chance to live?  What does trusting God look like in this situation?
     This stuff has been mulling around in my head for the past few weeks.  In the meantime, I've been recording basal temps and doing OPKs in an attempt to figure out when I ovulate.  (Contemplating a natural cycle this time.)  I think I've made a discovery;  I have a somewhat short luteal phase.  Before we had our baby, I ovulated around day 18 - but my cycle was 32-33 days, so it was not a concern.  (I charted in great detail until we discovered Micah's disorder.)  When I got my cycles back after nursing Leah, it shortened to 28 days - sometimes even 27.  As I charted this cycle, I realized that I still ovulate around Day 18 - making my LP only 10 days.  So...  ...when I started bleeding at 5 days past transfer (= 10 days past ovulation), perhaps that WAS normal.  Maybe the doctor was right - I just started bleeding b/c the embryo didn't implant and my so it was time to shed the lining.  That actually makes me feel better.  Maybe there isn't something wrong after all.
    As we continued to pray, I set out a "fleece."  (You know, the Bible story in Judges where Gideon wants to be absolutely sure God was leading them in to battle, so he set a fleece cloth on the ground and ask God to make the ground wet with dew but keep the fleece dry, if it was in fact His will to go into battle.)  We considered whether to try again with the April cycle or wait till June.  (May wouldn't work b/c of travels.)  We considered the biopsy.  We would have to do the biopsy this week b/c of a youth group trip next week and work schedules before my next period.  So we prayed that if it was God's will to do it - they would be able to schedule it.  And they were.  They have an opening for tomorrow.  So, I guess I'm doing it.
    I am happy about it for 2 reasons.  One is that we can test the lining to make sure it's healthy.  And 2) at least I will be confident that we did everything possible to give these embryos a chance to survive in my womb.  I'm unhappy about it too - cuz I'm scared to death.  Silly me, I searched the Internet to see what I should expect and there are horror stories upon horror stories.  That test is painful!!!  Why wouldn't they put you out for something like that??  I am so scared and nervous about it.  But I finally decided that pain was not a good reason to NOT do it - I just need to suck it up.
   So, keep me in your prayers tomorrow.  I'll be so glad when it's all over.  I can't quite process that we're starting yet another cycle yet - the test is the only thing in my radar.  I'd love any words of wisdom that you all have... ... ...


  1. Yikes! Praying for you! Let us know how it goes.

  2. Praying for you, Chelle. Those are all good questions to be asking. I think when your heart is in a submissive place and willing to accept whatever God wills, He will steer your path straight. I also think that oftentimes God allows us free will decisions and works His plan through those decisions. I just know that our free will never supersede His overall plan. So, if there is nothing wrong with a decision Biblically and you have considered it with wisdom, you can proceed as you desire trusting God that He will work His plan through it. I think the trusting part is often on the other side when things don't go as we planned or desired. It is all so hard! The one question our pastor tells us to use in decision times is "considering my past and in light of my future hopes and dreams, what is the WISE thing to do?" Hope it all goes well tomorrow!

  3. Ok. So the actual question (after looking it up!) is "in light of my past experiences, current circumstances, and future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?" It is an Andy Stanley quote, if you know who he is. I think it is helpful! Especially when you make a list Of each and consider all areas (financial, emotional, marriage, etc...). Ok. Hope this helps! Didnt mean to type out a sermon! Ha!

  4. I've struggled with this question for years!! I think my problem was that when I saw signs that I interpreted as God leading us, I assumed He was leading us to our baby. What was really happening was He was leading us to another experience that would get us closer to our baby. I think what's important is to look for the lesson in these heartaches and losses. We need those losses to prepare us for something else. We need those lessons to ready our selves to glorify Him with our lives. I know this is tough, but you have a bunch of people pulling for you guys and praying that He leads to you your next little one.