Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Waiting does funny things to your mind.  It’s only been a week
since transfer, but I’ve run the full gamut of emotions.  Sometimes
I’m hopeful; I start thinking that maybe I really am pregnant.  But
that seems too good to be true.  Then I think I’m probably not
pregnant – and I try to imagine how I’ll deal with that news.  But
when people ask about summer plans (i.e. “are you going to work as a
raft guide this summer?”) I answer as if I’m not pregnant, but
secretly hoping that my answer isn’t accurate.
       I’m so afraid of it getting a negative test.  First of all,
there’s the disappointment.  Then, there’s all the money we’ve
wasted.  Most of all, what about all the people waiting to hear the
news.  It’ll be like I’m letting them down.  So many people think
it’s great that we’ve adopted embryos and they’re counting on the
test to be positive.  A lot of people have faith that this will work and
I’ll be pregnant.  I don’t want to be responsible for shattering
their faith.  I don’t think I can bear sharing the news if it’s
negative.  I’ll wonder if I did something wrong.  (i.e. should I have
taken the PIO shot at the exact same time everyday?)  And where will we
go from here?  We don’t have other embryos.  Our clinic doesn’t have
embryos.  We’ll be starting all over.
       I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that, but I think I tend
to react to optimism (everyone else’s) with a dose of pessimism (mine)
so balance it all out and be realistic.  I think the scariest thing is
that, in a week, this whole journey could be over.  We started
considering EA months and months ago.  We’ve had the embryos since
November.  We’ve been carrying this hope for so long – I’m not
sure I’m ready for it to end.  Yesterday, I was defeated and
frustrated and my rear end is sore and I just wanted to quit – but
that was temporary.  In reality, I don’t want this journey to end.  I
think I’d rather stay in the 2WW forever, rather than face potentially
bad news.
       I don’t know why I’m so negative.  I’m not usually a
negative person.  (Realistic, yes – negative, no.)  I think I’m just
preparing myself for disappointment so that I’ll be pleasantly
surprised if we are successful.  In the meantime, I just keep waiting.
There's enough other stuff going on in my life right now to keep me
distracted from the wait.  Imagine how much I'd overthink if I had more
time!  In the meantime, I need to choose hope over fear.


  1. Hey...don't be down; you know that realistically even though something may happen to "stop your journey temporarily" it will not be the end of your may feel at the time like the end, but it won't be. It will just be another obstacle that God needs to put in your path to make you a better person. Just try to focus on the fact that whatever happens will happen for a reason and you will get to where you are meant to be in God's timing-you already know that, look how youv'e waited to be in such an awesome marriage! :D Just keep your chin up and you will be there sooner than you expect! And trust me, I will still love you even if you find out that you're not pregnant this time, I promise. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers always. :) Love ya!

  2. I feel like I could have written this post myself two months ago. I think everything you're thinking and feeling is all very normal. Praying for you during this time!

  3. I know your emotions - I've been there 3 times. All I can say is that no matter what happens, God's grace is sufficient. But, I'm hoping to see your BFP next week! :)

  4. Reading this post was like reading my own thoughts! Its literally one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with emotionally. I pray for you to have peace and calm during this time. I have to keep telling myself, there is no reason for it be negative. I've done everything I can. And you have too! It's in God's hands and having faith is one of the hardest things we have to do as humans. And no matter the result, I will cry with you!