We have embryos!!!

So, "Black Friday" came early for us this year.  We'd learned that our clinic would be posting the profiles of newly acquired embryos on Wednesday, so we diligently checked the website every hour.  2 profiles were posted ~11:30am; by the time we got through to speak with the Coordinator, only 3 embryos were left.  Those 3 are ours - one or more of those tiny clusters of cells could be the child(ren) that God has planned for us to raise!!
      I'm a little nervous b/c there are only 3 - and they've been frozen for many years.  (Does that affect success rate?)  I'm hoping that all 3 survive the thaw so we can implant all 3 of them.  And I don't even remember which traits it has b/c the profiles are all mixed up in my head.  (They were taken off the website once they were claimed, so we have to wait for the paperwork to see them again.)  There is nothing alarming about either of them.  We were actually kind of hoping for a mixed race baby, but these are Caucasian.  I think we'll still adopt internationally at some point.
    We've only told our immediate families - we don't want to answer everyone's questions until we know that there is really something to share (i.e. until we know if it's successful.)  But already, my mom is asking about baby names and my sister is thinking about the nursery.  I'm trying to withhold my excitement at this point.  There is a very long road ahead of us - a road that may or may not end up in pregnancy.  Still, I am thrilled to actually start walking down that path that I've only so far watched others travel.  (Thank you EA bloggy world - I so appreciate you all sharing your journeys!)  I know the road will be bumpy and there  may be setbacks, but I'm still excited to be going somewhere.
        I had to get a Rubella vaccine - apparently those teenage boosters aren't good for life as I'd thought. My fertility clinic told me when they first started testing that I'd need it, but I didn't think about it at all until this week.  They won't start a cycle until a month after I'm vaccinated.  I did that today, so - yay - I'm doing something productive.  (The nurse was all cute, trying to hide the needle so I wouldn't see it - I thought "lady, you have no idea what's to come." lol)  
     We'll set up an appt to meet with the doctor once we turn in the forms on Monday - I may be a little overly anxious, but I'm hoping we could even transfer in my Jan cycle.  Or maybe Feb.  I'll keep you all posted.
   Start praying for those three little embryos.  God knows the plans He has for them, as well as for us!

To Hope or Not to Hope

Is it even possible to NOT hope?

  We could possibly get some embryos donated to us in the next few weeks.  Maybe.  We called our clinic today to see if that other couple had decided to donate.  The donor coordinator said she hadn't heard from them, but we should be sure to check the clinic's website on Wednesday.  Apparently, a different couple HAS decided to donate - there are 25 embryos, frozen in groups of 5 and the donor profiles will be up wednesday - we can call her then.  (I was under the impression that we are currently the only patients interested in donor embryos, but maybe there are more if she can't tell us anything until she posts the profile on wednesday; perhaps it's a first-come, first-served scenario.  Which is weird to think about - we're talking about human life - potential babies, not Black Friday deals at Walmart.)
    Anyway, I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but I think it's too late.  I so want to be patient and wait for God to bring us the babies that He has chosen us to parent.  I know that all good things are a gift from God, and I am trying so hard to wait for His plan.  I don't want to rush into the first available option just because it's there.  SO, how do I know what God's plan is?  Do I 'adopt' these, if we can?  (haven't even seen donor profiles yet....)  Do I sit and wait for the other couple that our doctor told us about?  (They have triplets from their IVF - it could be a while before they have time to do the paperwork.)   Or do we go with the clinic in Virginia that has embryos readily available?  (More $, way less convenient b/c of travel - but no waiting.)
   So, I guess nothing's changed.  I'm still just waiting.  I'm afraid to hope that these new possibilities are, in fact, the children for us - but yet I can't help it.   For now, I'm praying for wisdom and patience - and setting my alarm to check that website first thing wednesday morning!

How lucky I am

As I headed into Bible Study tonight, I walked past a woman who was talking with one of the leaders about her children.  I overheard her say "I got married in April and by June we found out I was a month pregnant."  She was seriously complaining about that.  I thought "she has no idea how lucky she is."  I hate it when people complain about having children or consider it an inconvenience.  I get so irritated when people complain about, or even just take for granted, things that I consider to be huge blessings.
   So then I started thinking about things that I may take for granted.  Are there things that I say or complain about that could irritate or hurt other people?  I think there might be.
    First of all, I have a solid, loving marriage to an amazing husband.  (I went through years of frustration and lonliness waiting for him - I didn't marry until I was 30.  Being single in a world built for couples feels an awful lot like being infertile in a world built for families.)  But that's not the point.  The point is that my husband is my best friend and our relationship is intimate, healthy and awesome.  I know that many marriages aren't as satisfying as ours.  People could be irritated with me for taking that for granted; they could look at me and thing "she doesn't know how lucky she is."
      Second, God has blessed us with a great home in His perfect timing.  It's very old - plaster and lath walls, etc. - but it's perfect for us and our future family.  It has a beautiful fenced in yard (that I may have complained about as it required lots of work this summer to level it out) and it's right near our church.  It's perfect for hosting baby/bridal showers or get togethers.  I could wish for something newer, but again - I have to remember how lucky I am.
    Also: M and I are financially on the same page.  We've been through some rough times, and things are still really tight (especially saving for EA) - but we have both learned to manage it well and we do it together.  (I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University!!!)  I know finances often cause huge strife and lots of stress.  I am so lucky to be where I am.
    So, maybe I'm not lucky - rather I'm blessed.  We are very, very blessed.  In fact, God has worked so many things out for us in recent years, that we have no reason to doubt that He has great plans for our family too.  Maybe that girl I overheard doesn't know how lucky she is, but I DO know how blessed I am!!!

Waiting

We've done a lot of research.  We’ve found a few possible clinics that have donor programs.  Then we had an appointment with our own fertility doctor.  I was sure he was going to push for us to use donor sperm.  But he didn’t bat an eye when we said we wanted to give life to donated embryos.  He’s very new age-y – into meditation and acupuncture and eastern spirituality – he said that we should do whatever feels right for us.  They don’t have any embryos right now, but he just got a call from a woman considering donating her remaining embryos.  He has to call her back, but if she does decide to donate, those embryos would be ours.  He said often things ‘work themselves’ out like this.  In my worldview, that would translate into “in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose.”

            Could this really be happening?  If that woman donates her embryos, we could start our cycle soon, and I could be pregnant within the next few months!  It seems too good to be true.  I’m trying not to get my hopes too high, but it might be too late for that! 

So, now we’re waiting.  Waiting on God.  Waiting on the fertility clinic.  Waiting on the donor.  It’s hard to wait.  It actually felt better when I was reading adoption books and researching fertility clinics.  I was DOing something.  It felt productive because it would eventually lead to our child.  But now all I can do is wait.  I’m not so good at that.

"Snowflakes"

            I’d heard of snowflakes or embryo adoptions when I was in college, but didn’t think much of it until a friend encouraged me look into it.  When couples pursue in vitro fertilization and are successful, they often have leftover embryos that are cryopreserved (frozen.)  They are human life – not just eggs or sperm, but already-conceived embryos that have the potential to become babies.  Real people.  Sitting frozen in storage tanks.  The whole thing seemed kind of weird and sci-fi to me at first.  Some of those are donated to infertile couples, who can become pregnant and give birth to their adopted children. 

The more we prayed about it, the more we realized that we have a special gift to bring life to these babies-to-be.  I am completely healthy.  Those horribly yucky fertility tests confirmed that I have a completely healthy uterus and hormone system.  I am able to carry life.  Most infertile couples don’t have that possibility.  Usually, the woman has some sort of difficulty.  We are in a rare situation where our infertility is completely male-factor.  It seems almost as if our Omniscient God, who designed us to be together, set things up perfectly so that we can give life to some embryos that would otherwise be discarded.  Maybe He has a plan for those children to grow up and do great things for the Kingdom.  It’s all really cool to think about!!!

Adoption Options

            We are sure that God has a family planned for us.  So, it may not be a ‘traditional’ family where our kids share our genes.  There is some sadness that we’ll never get to see what our genetic children would be like.  I try to let that be overshadowed by the excitement that God has something miraculous and special planned for our family.  In His great Wisdom and Providence, God had placed the desire to adopt children in each of our hearts long before we met.  I read a book in 5^th grade about a family that adopted 12 tansracial children (in the 50’s – when that was totally taboo) and I’ve felt compelled to adopt internationally ever since.  M visited an orphanage while on a missions trip in college, and has wanted to adopt since then.  We were amazed to discover what we shared the same dreams of adoption.  We thought we’d have a few children naturally and then adopt internationally.

            Upon hearing our diagnosis, we began researching domestic adoption. (For the first couple of children, we wanted to have them as infants.)  We met with 2 separate agencies; we are on the waiting list for both.  There are so many couples wanting to adopt infants that both agencies have a list of people waiting to begin  the process.  We can’t even start a homestudy or prepare a profile until it’s our turn.  It turns out that there are ~20 couples waiting for every infant that’s placed for adoption.  So much for wanting to do a good thing!  We really thought we’d be making a difference in a child’s life by adopting them.  But really, there are so many other parents also waiting for them, they don’t need us.  Even with international adoption: while there is a great need, there is also a great wait.  China has thousands of girls in orphanages, but wait to adopt those girls is 4 years!

            I got rather discouraged.  I felt that since we couldn’t have our own kids, it’s because God wanted to use us to bless children who needed a home.  But with the waiting lists and the hoops to jump through, it seemed that there weren’t actually children who need a home.  While I know that’s not true, it definitely feels that way right now.

About Us (Background)

            I married my dear husband 2 years ago, at the age of 30.  We both love and serve Jesus and we were both waiting (in every sense) for God to bring us the ‘right’ person to marry so we could serve together.  There is no doubt that we were meant for each other and God has had our family planned in His mind since the beginning.

            We originally thought we would wait a few years to have kids so we could take advantage of our freedom as newlyweds.  Yet, as we were enjoying the ‘simple, child-free’ life, we realized we were really longing for children.  We’d take a spontaneous trip to NYC to watch a Yankees game, only to find ourselves thinking “I can’t wait until we can take our kids to a baseball game.”  We started ‘trying’ a few months after the wedding – and I mean really trying: taking basal temp, counting cycle days, ovulation predictor kits, everything.  All to no avail.

            As the months wore on, I began to wonder if something was wrong.  After 11 months went by, M (my husband who wishes to remain unnamed) called the fertility clinic.  They set us up for an initial consultation 4 months later.  (They’re the only one within a huge radius, so they’re busy.)  We started the unpleasant infertility testing in September and learned very quickly that M doesn’t produce sperm.  A bit more testing revealed that he has Klinefelter’s Syndrome, a genetic disorder that leaves him completely infertile.  There is no hope, even with the best technology, of him producing sperm.

    There are so many things that we’re thankful for.  We’ve heard of others that tried for year before being diagnosed with Klinefelter's.  The syndrome itself has some crazy symptoms, all of which M was spared.  (No cognitive disabilities, etc.)  AND, it provides some insight as to why he can’t lose weight.  We’ve met with a genetic counselor and a urologist so now he’s on testosterone and he feels great.  He’s got more energy than he’s had in years.  So that’s a blessing!!

Why Blog?

            So, I’ve decided to start a blog to chronicle our journey in becoming the family that God has designed.  I’ve found much encouragement and camaraderie in reading the blogs of other families who are traveling down this same road of infertility and adoption options.  Hopefully, I can be an encouragement to others in similar situations.  Also, blogging will prevent me from driving my husband crazy with every thought I wrestle with along the way.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me and wants so much to listen to my thoughts and be supportive – but as a male, he has an “off” button for his thoughts, and I don’t.  Perhaps by blogging, I can ramble all of my thoughts to the blogger world and then share with him after I’ve processed it all.

            I’m not sure if I’m going to share the link to my “in real life” friends and family.  On one hand, it would be good for them to know what I’m thinking and going through (and I wouldn’t have to explain all the time.)  On the other hand, I don’t know if I would be so candid if I knew people I see regularly would read my thoughts.  I can be a very self-centered, whiney, wimpy person; things I try not to show people in real life.  Hmm…  I’ll have to think about that for a while!