Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Arg! This cycle's a bust!

So close - and yet so far away!
   We went to the clinic this morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure we were on track for a Jan 3rd transfer.  They did the U/S and the nurse said my lining looked great (8.2mm) - so they taught us how to do the progesterone injections, gave us some last- minute prescriptions (valium, antibiotic,etc.) and our instructions for the procedure on Monday and sent us on our way.  We were so excited - I called my Asst. Principal to ensure that I'd have a substitute on monday (I'd already written sub plans) and we called our parents so they could be praying b/c Monday was the big day....

     A few hours later, the nurse called back with some "bad news."  My progesterone level was way too high; I must have ovulated so we'd have to cancel this cycle.  Apparently, they started me on a lower dose of Estrace b/c they were stretching it out over the holiday - and that dose was too low to suppress my ovaries.  She didn't want to take the risk of "wasting" the embryos; we canceled the cycle and I'll start over.  Now I have to stop all my meds, wait for my period to start and then we'll begin again, with a higher dose of Estrace this time.  I am SO disappointed.  I was so excited; we were moving forward - we were 5 days away from embryo transfer!  I felt like I was so close - and now I feel like it's so far away: like it'll never happen.

    I need to get some perspective here.  First of all, as far as "bad news" I could have gotten from a doctor, this is no big deal.  I'm okay.  M's okay (my husband.)  The embryos are ok.  (They've been frozen 10 years; another month is nothing!)  I'm actually grateful that the nurse views these embryos as precious life that shouldn't be wasted.  Even if this doesn't work, I want to be able to look back and say that I gave these 'snowflake babies' the best possible chance at life.  We've lost nothing - just a little time.  I haven't had any bad side effects from the meds either; just a little more difficulty keeping my emotions in check.  (It's like I've had PMS for 2 weeks straight.)  Really, losing a month is such a small part of the big picture.  We started 'trying' 20 months ago - what's another month?
       But yet, I'm so disappointed.  If I knew a month ago that we'd have to wait, it would have been okay - but it's much harder now that we've started the process.  I've taken meds, endured ultrasounds and bloodwork, and most of all: gotten my hopes up.  I was at an all-time high in hopefulness when they said we were good to go this morning.  Proverbs says "hope deferred makes the heart sick" - and that's exactly how I feel.  My hopes are deferred. Not dashed.  Not shattered.  Just deferred- and I'm sad about it.

   I think I finally have to tell my principals what's going on.  I don't really want to let them in on this personal piece of my life, but the last minute changes in substitute needs is probably getting old.  (This is the second time I've called in for a sub and then my appt was cancelled.)  My assistant principal is great; he'll be understanding and compassionate.  At the end of the month, though, the sub calls go to the principal instead - she's not so great.  She'll find some way to hold it against me.  I guess I don't have to tell her right away. 

    Now I'm just waiting for my period to show up. Yuck.  They told me that I should stop my meds today and my period will come in a week or two.  (So now I have to be prepared at every moment for that  Who would have thought I'd be so eager to have my period????


  1. So sorry, I would also be SO incredibly frustrated...hoping your AF comes very soon and you can get started on the meds to get you one more step closer to transfer! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way ((hugs))

  2. I'm so sorry that your cycle got cancelled!! I'm sure I would be so disappointed too! But I'm glad they caught it, that's for sure!!! I hope your period shows very quickly!

  3. I'm so incredibly sorry to hear this! How frustrating! I know that one of my bigger fears during our November cycle was that I would ovulate on my own, and I know I would have been a mess if we would have had to cancel. I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. Nothing is easy in the world of infertility, is it?

    Praying for you that everything will happen so you can get moving again!

  4. I just saw your comment on my blog. Looks like we're in the same boat, huh? Here's to patience while we're waiting!

  5. I'm so glad you commented on my blog - Now, I can follow your adoption journey too! How exciting! :)

  6. Hi I just found your blog and wanted to let you know that I too went through a cancelled cycle. It is sooo frustrating! Hang in there.I felt like I was never going to get to the point of having the transfer after being matched with my embies and then after some set backs it finally happened. And we now have our beautiful son who just turned a year old in December.Stay strong and know they we are all here pulling for you.Please feel free to follow my story if you would like. We have remaining embryos that we recently have been deciding when to go through another FET. Most likely in the next few months.