This is NOT second best!!

Why do people assume that embryo adoption is less than God's best, divine plan?

     My husband's parents run a "healing room" - which is basically a consistent place/time that people can go seek prayer.  Sometimes it's helpful to have someone you may not know so well pray you you and your situation.  It's kind of a neat thing.  So we went for prayer last night - partly b/c our whole family has been sick - and partly to pray for our upcoming adopted embryo FET.
     So, we went and a small group of people prayed for us to beat this stupid cold/flu thing that's lingered.  Then we asked them to pray for our frozen babies and upcoming transfer.  They did - and it was mostly encouraging.  But the one guy then said "while it's great that they have this option, I'm sure what you really want is to be healed and produce a biological child, so let's pray for that."  Then they proceeded to pray that Micah's body would do what it's supposed to so he can father his own child.

    They really had the best of intentions, but I was rather annoyed.  First of all, Micah IS a father and Leah Rae IS his own child.  I don't think a dad could love his daughter more.  But more than that, I felt like they were saying that somehow our family is second best - this is not God's perfect healing.  Healing comes in lots of ways. In our case, we believe that Micah and I were designed perfectly to adopt embryos and give them a chance at life.  He has Klinefelters'; I am healthy and fertile.  We each had a heart for adoption before we were married.  And I believe that complete healing occurs when we reflect God's glory in a perfect way.  Our family IS perfect - and our adoptive story reflects the Christian's adoption into the family of God.  God has aligned the desires of our hearts to His perfect plan for us.  What further healing needs to take place?  To be honest, I'm not sure that I would even want a biological child at this point.  I'm so excited at what God's done to bring us little Leah and I can't wait to see what He does next.

  It just frustrates me when people can't see it from my perspective.  And I know that's self-centered.  But really, I want to shout from the rooftops - our family is not second best.  Embryo adoption IS God's best for us.  And it's most definitely God's best for my daughter and any siblings she might have.  Family is not all about the parents - it's also about the children that need parents: frozen or otherwise.  Adoption is not about the parents wanting a child - it's about the child needing a family.  Embryo adoption is no different.  It's about the kid's that we're giving life to and loving - not just about us.  THIS is God's best.

Crazy Options!

Wow - sometimes God does something crazy and throws you a curveball.  And sometimes you just don't know what to do with it.

We are all set to begin our cycle in ~10 days: embryos are selected, meds are ordered - really, we are all set.

Then yesterday, our clinic here in NY called because they had embryos donated; they are offering them to us.  We got the profile last night - they look great.  Young, healthy, acheived pregnancy from a frozen cycle.  It seems perfect - like a gift straight from the hand of God.  We love our clinic; I would love to do our cycle here.  It has been over a year since they've had ANY embryos donated- which is why we pursued the clinic in Florida.

So, what about Florida?  The coordinator there is SO nice and has been SO helpful.  Our meds are already ordered for that cycle - we're just waiting for my period to start.  We haven't paid the deposit on our embryos there yet - but we should today.  (So we have to decide what we're going to do - today.)

I'm so confused!

The one thing that I did say to my husband before our clinic called was that I was afraid we were running ahead of God by going to the Florida clinic.  With our daughter, everything fell into place perfectly and we knew that God was providing for us.  This time, I felt like we were deciding what to do and asking God to bless it and guide us.  We weren't banging down any closed doors, but we weren't really waiting for God to open them either.  Then we got the phone call from our clinic that was clearly God opening a door for us.

Since when is too many embryos a problem?  Yet, I feel conflicted.  Should I stick with the embryos we have reserved in Fl?  Or choose the ones our clinic is offering us?  I feel somewhat obligated to go to Fl since they have already reserved them for us and sent in the prescriptions for our meds.  But our clinic would be a better experience and cost less.  The program fees are essentially the same, but we'd save $1200 in travel costs by not having to fly to Florida.

I just don't know what to do.  My husband thinks we should keep both sets of embryos.  (After all, we went for years with no embryos.)  I fear that might be selfish, since there are lots of families wanting donor embryos.  But what if we choose 1 set and the cycle fails?  How long would it be before we could try again?

Agghh - Someone tell me what to do!  (lol)

Another step...

     We are the proud parents of two little Mexican/American blastocysts!  
(Well, we will be tomorrow once we pay the deposit.)  But they are reserved for us!  These little ones were our 2nd choice, but it's probably a better option after all.  The first set we had chosen were created with eggs and sperm from 37 year olds (but had resulted in a baby from that  set).  They were no longer available, so we went with this Mexican/American set.  The mom was 24 when the embryos were created.  They didn't have any kids from the fresh transfer, but they later had a spontaneous pregnancy (that apparently was a rough one) and decided they were done.  We were a little concerned that no pregnancy resulted from these embryos - but I remind myself that there are a LOT of reasons that a couple might not get pregnant - it might have nothing to do with the sperm fertilizing the egg.  Given all the options, we are certain that this is the best choice for us and we're super excited to meet these little children.
     I had the SHG done last week and all is well.  There was some issue with the clinic in NY not receiving the lab order from the clinic in Florida - and of course we got the once nurse who can be a little snotty.  She told me that they really shouldn't do the test without having the order, but she supposed they could do it anyway.  (The doc that actually did test was our favorite doc at the clinic.)  Except for a few minutes of serious cramping, it wasn't bad - but I'm glad it's over.  And I'm glad my uterus looks good. :)
     So, here were are:  SHG: check.  Embryos selected: check.  Next step: start our cycle!  So now I'm just waiting for my period.  I'm about 2 weeks away.  Once it starts, we jump in with the meds and off we go.  I should be transferring in about a month!
     I'm really hoping that my period comes when it's supposed to, because the timing will be tricky.  The clinic checks the lining on day 13 and the transfer is 6 days later.  If my period comes right on time, it'll be perfect.  If it comes too early, it will interfere with a HUGE youth group fundraiser that we can't miss.  If it comes too late, my husband will be in Boston with some of our teens.  It really has to fall in between.  I thought about waiting a month, but then it would fall right about the same time as a youth group trip that we have planned in April.  Waiting two months... ...oops, runs into another conflict.  (Yep, we are too busy!)  I don't want to wait until June.  Of course, there are lots of things that could happen between now and then to screw things up - but I'm praying that God works it out perfectly.
     It is starting to seem more "real" now that we have embryos.  I keep looking at the profile and think "this describes my next kid."  I have to think positively: after a loss and a failed cycle, I know that things can go wrong.  But I am determined to believe that God has a plan that includes bringing these children into our family.  At least, I hope so.....

Moving along...

We're making baby steps in our progress toward another little one.  We had our phone consult with the Dr at a clinic in Florida.  He is requiring me to have an SHG since it's been a while since I had my daughter.  I got that scheduled for tomorrow - I'm so NOT looking forward to it.  I've read that it's a much easier test than the HSG I had when we first did infertility testing - but still.... catheters, dye, ultrasound probes pressing all around... yuck.  I might take some anti-anxiety meds that my mom has laying around, just to make the process better.  Ultimately, I'm hoping it leads to the next baby - so I'll focus on that.  Hopefully, if all looks good, we could choose our embryos and proceed next month!

Which is the next thing: how the heck do I "choose" embryos?  The last time, the clinic had some donated and we pretty much said "yep, we'll take 'em."  This time, I have a dozen profiles to look through.  It just feels weird to think that we're choosing our next child - and not choosing all the rest.  What criteria is important?  The doctor told us that younger eggs make better embryos, so obviously that's a consideration.  (Race is not important to us; I carried an Indian embryo till 6 weeks and was devastated to miscarry.)  But what about medical history? In one profile, the male had an aneurysm.  That's not genetic, right?  That shouldn't affect my decision, should it?  In another, the couple tested positive for chlamydia - again, not a genetic issue, so I shouldn't care - but I think I do.  The profiles disclose previous pregnancies.  One had a 'spontaneous' pregnancy, but it doesn't say if any children resulted from this IVF batch.  Can I assume that if they didn't get pregnant with the embryos, that I might not either?  Or maybe the embryos are fine, but it was something in her body that prevented implantation.  Who knows?
I'm finding it *more* difficult to have this info.  I think I'd rather have someone say "here, these embryos need a family - do you want them?"  Who wants to pick my next child for me?

I'm still following all of you, even though I don't post.  I'm super excited for Tracy (and Jenn/Aaron) and Diane & Em and praying for Jess and Liz and Paula.  (Is it ok to through out other bloggers names in my blog post?)  If nothing else, this blog gives me a chronicle of our journey.  I'm sure my blogging will pick up once things start moving a little more quickly.  For now, it's one step at a time!

Back at it!!!

     I’m supposed to be writing my youth group message right now - but I just feel the urge to blog again (and I finally have a few minutes to myself.)  We just scheduled our phone consult with a clinic in Florida to begin the EA process all over again!!!

     You might remember that we adopted some Indian embryos last spring.  We were so excited about adding those little Indian babies to our family - it sure seemed like God had ordained that.  In fact, I am still sure that God planned for us to adopt and transfer them - even though none of them were meant to live in our family.  The first attempt resulted in a pregnancy that we lost at 6 weeks.  The second attempt failed.  I found out later that the Indian culture values boys so much that the wealthier Indian families will sometimes do IVF  - just to screen out the girls.  I learned that these embryos were probably the unwanted girls (though the profile didn’t indicate that.)  I feel blessed to have ‘wanted’ these girls and to give them a chance at life.  I don’t know the ‘big picture’ of God’s plan for them - or for us, but I still have to trust Him despite those losses.  (I can say that now - I might have said something different at the time....)

Our clinic doesn’t have any more embryos - and we hit some tough times financially, so we’ve just been waiting.  and waiting.  and waiting.  Finally, Micah had a really big sale with a good commission which gets us on the road to Embryo Adoption once again.  (Hopefully, a tax return will make up the difference.)

We’ve looked at lots of programs and talked to lots of people.  It’s so helpful to talk to people who’ve used different clinics and programs.  We finally decided on a program in Florida.  (Thanks Jess!)  We got all the paperwork in , sent our records and we get to talk to the doctor tomorrow.  I don’t know how quicky or slowly things will go from here - but it feels good to be moving forward.

I’ll keep you posted - if anyone still follows me on here.  Please know that I read blogger all the time, even if I don’t post.  I just haven’t had anything interesting to say in months!  I pray for you and I enjoy following your journeys.  (Diane - I just referred someone to your blog b/c she’s had some EA frustrations and is moving to donor sperm - I hope you don’t mind.)

Thanks everyone for your encouragement!!

Ok, back to the youth message: how do we know the Bible is true........

Starting so soon???

   It seems as if we will be ‘trying’ for our next child in less than 2 weeks.

(I know:  people have a very different idea when they say they are ‘trying’ to have kids – images of PIO shots and long catheters aren’t what they have in mind.  LoL)

            I started taking the estrogen the Dr. gave me to get my period started - but a few days later, I ‘felt’ like I was ovulating – the signs were all there.  I stayed on the meds (b/c increased estrogen has same side effects) but, sure enough – 14 days later, I got my period.  My own cycle basically “trumped” the medication.  That’s actually reassuring b/c it means that my body was getting ready to cycle on its own.  (I was very regular before I got pregnant.)  So, if things continue normally, I’ll get my period again in 2 weeks.

            We were going to wait until July, but decided do the FET with the June cycle instead.  If it’s successful, it’s another month I’ll be home with a baby before going back to work.  (I’m a teacher.)  If it fails, then we can try again in July and still have a decent maternity leave next spring.

  So, yeah – 2 weeks.  It seems unreal.  Last time, there were months of hopefulness, fertility testing, adoption meetings, paperwork, deciding on EA, waiting for embryos, lots of research, etc.  This time it seems so simple.  There is always the possibility of complications and delayed cycles and stuff like that.  But, the whole thing feels so uneventful, compared to last time – so calm – lacking in anticipation.  Maybe it’s because I know what to expect.  Maybe it’s because I’m distracted by my 8 month old.  Maybe it’s just b/c the whole process has lost its “new-ness.”

            It’s crazy to think that I might be pregnant again this summer.  A friend wants to borrow my maternity clothes – and I love to share – but I’m hoping to need them.  As I think about closing out this school year, I have to prepare for how sick I could be in the fall.  (The Hyperemesis is such a distant memory….)  It’s just WEIRD.  And unreal. 

            I’m still a bit nervous about starting again because I’m still nursing a bit.  We’ve cut WAY back – and Leah is less interested in nursing, so that somewhat alleviates the guilt I feel about cutting her off – but she still nurses a few times a day. 

            I’ve done a ton of research – and I think the risk is very minimal.  Like I said, FETs are so simple at my clinic – just estrogen and progesterone, which are naturally in the body anyway.  Breastfeeding increases prolactin, which inhibits ovulation – but since I’m ovulating, I assume my levels have returned to normal.  I’ve also read that prolactin inhibits implantation (an obvious problem) but further research revealed that it’s not the prolactin itself, but the resulting decrease in progesterone that causes implantation problems.  And I’ll be taking progesterone.  So, really – there is NO medical reason that I can’t or shouldn’t do an FET right now.

            Does it sound like I’m convincing myself?  I kinda am.  On one hand, I feel like God has worked everything out for this to happen: from giving us the embryos to providing the finances, to my consult with the one doctor who is not deterred by breastfeeding to Leah weaning herself, etc.  On the other hand, I’m afraid of being selfish and rushing things.  I’m afraid of neglecting Leah or giving her less than my best. 

            As we head into this cycle in 2 weeks – I have a 98% peace about this timing.  The other 2% - is it doubt?  Or is it the Holy Spirit telling me to pause?  Hmmm…..

Having my cake and eating it too!

I posted a little bit ago about our Indian embryos and the possibility of trying for our 2^nd child this summer.  Micah is completely excited about moving forward, but I was a bit hesitant.  I worry that we’ll have less attention to give to Leah and I’m afraid that she might be neglected once a new little one comes along.  But more than anything else, I am NOT ready to give up breastfeeding.  We’ve come through a bunch of hurdles in establishing breastfeeding, but I love it.  It still causes pain sometimes (like when I’m at work and my pump just won’t drain my breast and I get super engorged) but it’s so worth it to me.  I love how happy it makes Leah and how it calms her when she’s upset.  I love it when she is nursing and she looks up at me and flashes that sweet smile.  I was hoping to nurse for the first year, and I just can’t imagine weaning at this point.

            I knew that she would have to be weaned before beginning fertility treatments.  I kept saying “I’ll see how I feel about it this summer.”  She will be 9 months old – maybe she won’t want to nurse or I won’t love it – she’ll have teeth by then – lol!  But then I realized that I’d need to have a menstrual cycle or 2 before we could do an FET – and that doesn’t show signs of starting anytime soon.  I would have to wean her now in hope of getting my period regulated by this summer.  I definitely don’t want to do that.

            We had made an appt at the clinic for last week – just a consultation to re-establish ourselves as patients since it had been over a year since I was discharged.  We met with their new doctor and we really liked him.  He told us about our embryos (not great quality, by the way) and talked about how so much is changing in research, etc.  He asked when we wanted to get started and asked if I felt like we were ‘ready’ for a second pregnancy in terms of my body and in terms our life with a baby.  I admitted that I feel totally ready except that I didn’t want to give up on breastfeeding Leah.  Then he said these magic words:

            “You don’t need to be in a hurry to wean her.”

He said I did need to have at least 1 full cycle before attempting FET and he offered to help that along by putting me on a low dose bio-identical estrogen patch and some prometrium to get the ball rolling.  Neither of these meds would harm Leah if passed through breastmilk.  Basically, we’re going to induce my period so I can get ready for an FET this summer.

 This is really ‘having my cake and eating it too.’  I get to continue to nurse my daughter (for now) while attempting to give life to her little brother/sister.  I’m ecstatic!!!!  I don’t know if they will actually do the FET while I’m still nursing, but I have a few months to worry about that.  I’ve done a lot of reading on the topic, and will continue to do so.  I’ll follow Jesus’ advice to ‘let tomorrow worry about itself’ on that topic.  In the meantime, I’m just thrilled to be starting the process that could bring us our next child!  Woohoo!