For the first time in 10 weeks, my husband will not be giving me a shot of progesterone tomorrow. In fact, we only have a few shots left. I'm still on the vaginal gel, but they told me to cut the shots to every other day for the rest of this week and then stop. I'm not sure how I feel about that. While I'm thrilled to NOT have to do the shots, it's kind of scary. I feel like that progesterone is what's keeping me pregnant. What if the placenta isn't making it's own yet? What if something bad happens? Seriously, I sound like such a faith-less worrier. I need to stop.
We saw the baby again today - I'll try to post pics soon. It was so cool - wiggling and kicking it's little leg buds and waving it's arm buds. It's been so neat to see the baby develop from a dark sac into an actual baby-like creature. I'm sad that after next week, we'll be released to m OB and not have the weekly ultrasounds at the fertility clinic. I've gotten used to seeing my baby every week; I don't want to wait until 20 weeks to see it him/her again!
On another note: I still feel awful. I've been such a bad blogger, mostly b/c looking at the computer screen makes me nauseous. I manage at school, but when I get home, the last thing I want to do is look at the computer. I'm grateful that I haven't vomited much - but I have that gonna-puke-any-second feeling much of the time. I have to eat ever 90 minutes (but not eat much) to keep the nausea at bay. I'm scared to find out how much weight I've gained already. I so wanted to be active and healthy during my pregnancy. Instead, I sit on my butt and eat a constant stream of crackers and other less-than-ideal foods to calm my stomach. But, the nausea reminds me that the baby is growing and so I try to find reassurance in it instead of being cranky and whiny. I try. Most of the time, though - I'm just cranky and whiny. I was hoping to relish every minute of pregnancy - but now I'm just counting down the weeks until the first trimester is over.
Thanks everyone, for your comments and support. I love reading your blogs, even though I don't comment often. This EA bloggy world is super encouraging!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sick of feeling sick..
I know it's been a long time since I've posted - I've been sick and busy - not a good combination!
First of all... we are only having ONE baby. After all the joy and excitement of seeing 2 heartbeats and the thrill of expecting twins... we learned Tuesday that there is actually only one baby in there. (The "second heartbeat" may have been the pulse of the umbilical cord.) We are happy to hear that our baby is healthy and right on track with a heartbeat of ~150 bpm. But there is still disappointment. We wanted twins. I know I should be happy with one - and I AM happy with one - I just wish there was never the mention of twins. But we know there are lots and lots of reasons why one child is better. First of all, twins would have put a huge strain on our finances. And this way, I can give the baby more attention. And I have a better chance of nursing successfully, etc. So, we're thanking God for this gift of a child, and trying to to wish there was a second one in there too.
Also, I have been SO SICK! I've been nauseous for a couple of weeks now, but Sunday night - I spent the whole night puking. I really think it was the flu. I completely emptied my digestive system, I had a fever and chills and shakes - it felt like the flu. I spent all day monday in bed. It's hard to go from flu-like puking back to morning sickness. To stave off the nausea, I need to snack every 90 minutes But I didn't dare eat after being sick all night. So I was a mess. We had an appt. tuesday morning and they gave me Zofran because I hadn't eaten or really drank much in 36 hours. I've only taken one pill - I'm afraid it'll affect the baby. It's a class B drug, so it's "safe" -but it still made me nervous. It's been nearly a week and I'm still wiped out. I am exhausted - I can barely stand long enough to shower. I don't know how I'm going to go back to teaching on Monday. This week was "vacation" but we had a bunch of Youth Group activities planned, including an all-nighter. I don't know what I would have done without my amazing husband. He made everything happen this week. He's my hero when it comes to youth ministry (and in general.) He totally has my back. I hate being sick and not being able to do everything I think I should do. I feel like a wimp and I hate it.
We've told several more people about our pregnancy. The best reaction was last night. We told some friends from church - a slightly older couple that we respect. They had gone through years of infertility before miraculously conceiving their 2 sons naturally. She asked how I was feeling (posted on FB that I was sick) and I said "as good as I'm going to for the rest of this trimester." She screamed and cried - it was so great. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love us and care for us so much. We are telling the rest of our church family tomorrow. I am excited about that - but I still feel cautious. I'm only 8 weeks - we could still lose the baby. I hate to think of that - and I want to believe that God will finish what He's started in this little life - but the reality is anything could happen. I'm so afraid of letting the news out - only to have to go back later and retract it. (It sucked enough telling just a few people that we aren't having twins after all.) But M reminds me that God does not give us a spirit of fear and that the Enemy is just trying to mess with my mind and make me doubt. And he's probably right. Will I ever NOT be afraid? I don't want this whole pregnancy to be clouded in fear. I don't want to be a worrier. I don't like this person I'm becoming.
Pray that I can get some rest, feel better, and have confidence in my Lord!
First of all... we are only having ONE baby. After all the joy and excitement of seeing 2 heartbeats and the thrill of expecting twins... we learned Tuesday that there is actually only one baby in there. (The "second heartbeat" may have been the pulse of the umbilical cord.) We are happy to hear that our baby is healthy and right on track with a heartbeat of ~150 bpm. But there is still disappointment. We wanted twins. I know I should be happy with one - and I AM happy with one - I just wish there was never the mention of twins. But we know there are lots and lots of reasons why one child is better. First of all, twins would have put a huge strain on our finances. And this way, I can give the baby more attention. And I have a better chance of nursing successfully, etc. So, we're thanking God for this gift of a child, and trying to to wish there was a second one in there too.
Also, I have been SO SICK! I've been nauseous for a couple of weeks now, but Sunday night - I spent the whole night puking. I really think it was the flu. I completely emptied my digestive system, I had a fever and chills and shakes - it felt like the flu. I spent all day monday in bed. It's hard to go from flu-like puking back to morning sickness. To stave off the nausea, I need to snack every 90 minutes But I didn't dare eat after being sick all night. So I was a mess. We had an appt. tuesday morning and they gave me Zofran because I hadn't eaten or really drank much in 36 hours. I've only taken one pill - I'm afraid it'll affect the baby. It's a class B drug, so it's "safe" -but it still made me nervous. It's been nearly a week and I'm still wiped out. I am exhausted - I can barely stand long enough to shower. I don't know how I'm going to go back to teaching on Monday. This week was "vacation" but we had a bunch of Youth Group activities planned, including an all-nighter. I don't know what I would have done without my amazing husband. He made everything happen this week. He's my hero when it comes to youth ministry (and in general.) He totally has my back. I hate being sick and not being able to do everything I think I should do. I feel like a wimp and I hate it.
We've told several more people about our pregnancy. The best reaction was last night. We told some friends from church - a slightly older couple that we respect. They had gone through years of infertility before miraculously conceiving their 2 sons naturally. She asked how I was feeling (posted on FB that I was sick) and I said "as good as I'm going to for the rest of this trimester." She screamed and cried - it was so great. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love us and care for us so much. We are telling the rest of our church family tomorrow. I am excited about that - but I still feel cautious. I'm only 8 weeks - we could still lose the baby. I hate to think of that - and I want to believe that God will finish what He's started in this little life - but the reality is anything could happen. I'm so afraid of letting the news out - only to have to go back later and retract it. (It sucked enough telling just a few people that we aren't having twins after all.) But M reminds me that God does not give us a spirit of fear and that the Enemy is just trying to mess with my mind and make me doubt. And he's probably right. Will I ever NOT be afraid? I don't want this whole pregnancy to be clouded in fear. I don't want to be a worrier. I don't like this person I'm becoming.
Pray that I can get some rest, feel better, and have confidence in my Lord!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Double the Joy? Maybe?
Last week, we had an ultrasound that pretty clearly showed ONE gestational sac. The nurse was almost certain that there was one sac. One sac = one baby, right?
Yesterday, we had another ultrasound and we got to see our baby's little heartbeat. It was so cool to see it flickering on the screen. Then... ... we saw another heartbeat. The nurse said "we're all seeing this, right? I'm not just having an eye twitch?" She searched and searched for the second sac (which is so not comfortable, I might add) but couldn't find it. So: one sac. TWO heartbeats. It seems that we may be having identical twins. The one surviving embryo split. That just doesn't happen. (It happens naturally, of course - but for a previously frozen embryo to split into twins is just amazing!)
She was able to measure both babies and they are within 2 days of each other. Baby A's heart rate is 117bpm, but we couldn't measure Baby B's heart rate. So, we'll know more next week when the sacs are bigger. It's possible that they are fraternal and Baby B's sac is just hiding. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, I'm gearing up to be the mother of twins! M has had a perma-grin on his face since the appointment. I'm pretty excited myself. We've both always wanted twins and when we started TTCing, we prayed for twins. We know we're crazy and that we'll never sleep again and we'll be broke for the rest of our lives. But we figure, with both of us having this crazy desire, it must be that God put it there. I have to admit, we were dissapointed last week to learn that there was only one baby. Don't get me wrong, we were thrilled to be pregnant and praised God immensely. But now, we're even more thrilled and praising God more than we knew was possible. The secret desire of my heart is for identical twins - and God has blessed me more than I can ever ask or imagine.
On a less joyful note.... I feel yucky. I'm pretty much nauseous all day. I haven't thrown up yet, and I thank God without ceasing for that. (I HATE throwing up.) But it's hard to be so excited and feel this yucky at the same time. It gets really bad when I haven't eaten, but if I eat too much, I feel sick too. Sucking on peppermint candy does help. We went out after Christmas and bought tons of leftover candycanes just for this pupose. (I was hoping we'd get pregnant and I knew that peppermint usually helps me.) I think I'm getting enough calories for me and both babies in candy canes alone! But, like I said - I haven't been sick enough to throw up so I'm grateful. I need to stop complaining. I'm so blessed to be pregnant!!!!
Yesterday, we had another ultrasound and we got to see our baby's little heartbeat. It was so cool to see it flickering on the screen. Then... ... we saw another heartbeat. The nurse said "we're all seeing this, right? I'm not just having an eye twitch?" She searched and searched for the second sac (which is so not comfortable, I might add) but couldn't find it. So: one sac. TWO heartbeats. It seems that we may be having identical twins. The one surviving embryo split. That just doesn't happen. (It happens naturally, of course - but for a previously frozen embryo to split into twins is just amazing!)
She was able to measure both babies and they are within 2 days of each other. Baby A's heart rate is 117bpm, but we couldn't measure Baby B's heart rate. So, we'll know more next week when the sacs are bigger. It's possible that they are fraternal and Baby B's sac is just hiding. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, I'm gearing up to be the mother of twins! M has had a perma-grin on his face since the appointment. I'm pretty excited myself. We've both always wanted twins and when we started TTCing, we prayed for twins. We know we're crazy and that we'll never sleep again and we'll be broke for the rest of our lives. But we figure, with both of us having this crazy desire, it must be that God put it there. I have to admit, we were dissapointed last week to learn that there was only one baby. Don't get me wrong, we were thrilled to be pregnant and praised God immensely. But now, we're even more thrilled and praising God more than we knew was possible. The secret desire of my heart is for identical twins - and God has blessed me more than I can ever ask or imagine.
On a less joyful note.... I feel yucky. I'm pretty much nauseous all day. I haven't thrown up yet, and I thank God without ceasing for that. (I HATE throwing up.) But it's hard to be so excited and feel this yucky at the same time. It gets really bad when I haven't eaten, but if I eat too much, I feel sick too. Sucking on peppermint candy does help. We went out after Christmas and bought tons of leftover candycanes just for this pupose. (I was hoping we'd get pregnant and I knew that peppermint usually helps me.) I think I'm getting enough calories for me and both babies in candy canes alone! But, like I said - I haven't been sick enough to throw up so I'm grateful. I need to stop complaining. I'm so blessed to be pregnant!!!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
When am I due????
We had our first prenatal ultrasound this week. Our clinic has an online portal where I can go to see my lab results and med instructions and upcoming appointments, etc. It's pretty cool. What was really cool was when I last got on the portal and it said my next appt was for "Ultrasound (obstetrical)." Wow - an OB ultrasound - I thought that might never happen. Anyway, we got to see the gestational sac and the beginnings of the fetal pole - it was really neat. (We were kind of hoping for 2 sacs - twins -but I discovered that I was actually relieved to be only having one baby. It's much more likely that I can have a natural delivery and more success breastfeeding than it would be if I had twins.)
Even though I'm just barely pregnant - of course, I'm thinking about my due date. The best that I had figured, I would be due Oct 7th. I thought I was 5 1/2 weeks at that ultrasound. (I used online FET calculators, several of them, to confirm my calculations.) But the nurse said I was only 4 1/2 weeks along. I asked how she figured and she said a bunch of stuff about how it would be 2 weeks at retrieval, but with FET, they use the transfer date, then go back how many days old it is, etc. It sounded like what I had figured. Then she told me I'm due Oct 13th.
WHAT? Oct 13th is when I would be due if we went strictly by my LMP (last menstrual period - the usual way of calculating due dates.) But that doesn't work here. There were only 12 days between my LMP and the FET and at that point, the embryo was already 5 days old. We're missing a whole week in there. PLUS, if I was really only 4 1/2 weeks, my beta wouldn't be 11,000+ nor would we see a gestational sac already. I don't get it. Why would they just go by LMP?
I don't want to be argumentative, but it's frustrating. I don't want to be off by a week for my entire pregnancy. Hopefully, I'll get a different nurse this week and I can ask her. They are expecting to see the heartbeat this week - which I am really looking forward to. Each time we go, I believe just a little bit more than I really am pregnant.
On another note: we're looking for a creative way to announce our pregnancy to our church. There are 2 friends that we MUST tell before anyone else finds out - and we're doing that next weekend. Then we want to announce it to our church family, but we need a creative way to explain embryo adoption. We don't want to just say that we're pregnant. We want everyone to know that we're pregnant with our adopted child. We're excited about how the Lord has led us to this point. Anyone have any ideas????
Even though I'm just barely pregnant - of course, I'm thinking about my due date. The best that I had figured, I would be due Oct 7th. I thought I was 5 1/2 weeks at that ultrasound. (I used online FET calculators, several of them, to confirm my calculations.) But the nurse said I was only 4 1/2 weeks along. I asked how she figured and she said a bunch of stuff about how it would be 2 weeks at retrieval, but with FET, they use the transfer date, then go back how many days old it is, etc. It sounded like what I had figured. Then she told me I'm due Oct 13th.
WHAT? Oct 13th is when I would be due if we went strictly by my LMP (last menstrual period - the usual way of calculating due dates.) But that doesn't work here. There were only 12 days between my LMP and the FET and at that point, the embryo was already 5 days old. We're missing a whole week in there. PLUS, if I was really only 4 1/2 weeks, my beta wouldn't be 11,000+ nor would we see a gestational sac already. I don't get it. Why would they just go by LMP?
I don't want to be argumentative, but it's frustrating. I don't want to be off by a week for my entire pregnancy. Hopefully, I'll get a different nurse this week and I can ask her. They are expecting to see the heartbeat this week - which I am really looking forward to. Each time we go, I believe just a little bit more than I really am pregnant.
On another note: we're looking for a creative way to announce our pregnancy to our church. There are 2 friends that we MUST tell before anyone else finds out - and we're doing that next weekend. Then we want to announce it to our church family, but we need a creative way to explain embryo adoption. We don't want to just say that we're pregnant. We want everyone to know that we're pregnant with our adopted child. We're excited about how the Lord has led us to this point. Anyone have any ideas????
Monday, February 7, 2011
I'm going to have a baby. Duh!
Funny story: M and I went the mall the other day to go to Borders to look at some pregnancy books. (I wanted to get pregnancy books way back when we started TTCing, and he suggested that I wait until I was actually pregnant. So this trip has been a long time coming.) But it's important to note that the purpose of the trip was to buy books because I'm pregnant. (hehe - I love saying that.)
So, we walked into the mall, and right near the entrance were two women chatting. One was holding a very new baby and the other was gushing about how adorable the baby was. (It was cute.) Anyway, automatically, my first inclination was to be wistful and think "someday, maybe we'll get or have a baby." It took me a minute to remember that "someday" is in 9 months, give or take. I'm pregnant. We ARE going to have a baby. I'm still not quite sure I believe it. When did I become such a doubter???
So, we walked into the mall, and right near the entrance were two women chatting. One was holding a very new baby and the other was gushing about how adorable the baby was. (It was cute.) Anyway, automatically, my first inclination was to be wistful and think "someday, maybe we'll get or have a baby." It took me a minute to remember that "someday" is in 9 months, give or take. I'm pregnant. We ARE going to have a baby. I'm still not quite sure I believe it. When did I become such a doubter???
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
It's Official!
I'm pregnant!!!! I still can't quite believe it. After TTC for so long, and getting so many BFNs..... I can't quite believe that I'm actually pregnant. (Please forgive the delay in posting; there were some people IRL that had to be told before I could post on here.)
So, as you saw a few days ago - my first beta was a 52, meaning that I was pregnant. It was very early (8dp5dt) so I hadn't even bothered to take an HPT yet. I had a spotting/bleeding scare the night before the beta, with bright red blood. I was so sure that it was all over and I was losing the embryos. We called our parents and asked them to pray for us and the bleeding stopped. Let me tell you, that was a long, restless night!
Thursday morning, we drove the hour to the clinic, had the blood drawn and then went shopping, trying to distract us from the 2+ hour wait to hear our results. Just before noon, we drove to Chipotle (our favorite lunch spot in Syracuse) and had just pulled into the parking lot when Teah called. (She's our favorite nurse; she's not usually the one to make such phone calls, but she was excited to give us our news, so they let her call.) When she told us that the test was positive, we both sat there and cried. M had more faith than I did, but we were both incredibly grateful for a positive result. (Then I went home and POASed because I wanted to see what a positive actually looked like!)
We kept the news quiet for a few days (except for my post on here to clue all you EA ladies in). We drove to Rochester to meet my mom for dinner and gave her a picture frame that said "Grandkids are life's greatest blessing." In the frame, we had pics of the embryos, the ultrasound when they were transferred and the positive pregnancy test. It took her a while to catch on, but it was a priceless moment.
The next day, we celebrated my FIL and BIL's birthday. My in-laws have 10 grandchildren, and for each one, they have little wooden picture frame from the state fair with the kid's name and picture. 2 years ago, when M and I started TTCing, we bought one that said "baby" and have saved it all this time, as a way to announce our pregnancy. We put the pic of the embryos, along with a pic of the positive test, in that frame and gave it to dad as a birthday gift. Everyone watched him try to figure out what it was. Finally, M said "that little stick says that we're pregnant." That was a sweet moment too!
Even as we were announcing our pregnancy to our family, I was still hesitant to believe that I was actually pregnant, or that the pregnancy was going to last. (It was SO early.) Finally on Monday, I had a second beta, that should have quadrupled since it was 4 days later. It jumped from 52 to 378!!! So, now I'm confident that I'm really pregnant! Stuff could still go wrong, but I'm choosing not to focus on that. I need to have faith that God has good things in store for us. M is calling 2011 our 'year of blessing.' (The last year and a half has been really rough for us; infertility was just one part of our struggle.)
God promises that 'sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.' I think morning has arrived! My goal is to "be joyful always" throughout this next year. Already, this pregnancy hasn't been a picnic (we had a really bad progesterone shot the other day, leaving me with a limp) but I'm so grateful for God's blessings in our lives. I think I'm afraid to believe that God has good things for us. Oh, I know that God's will is always good, but it's not usually what I see as good at the moment. I know that God wants to bring Himself glory, and that He wants to grow me, and I willingly accepts the necessary trials as from His hand. I want God to be glorified in my life, even if it's hard at the moment. I easily believe that whatever we're going through will be Good, later. It's hard to believe that God has good things for us right now. But He does! I'm pregnant. We get to adopt our family AND I get to be pregnant. Thank you God!
So, as you saw a few days ago - my first beta was a 52, meaning that I was pregnant. It was very early (8dp5dt) so I hadn't even bothered to take an HPT yet. I had a spotting/bleeding scare the night before the beta, with bright red blood. I was so sure that it was all over and I was losing the embryos. We called our parents and asked them to pray for us and the bleeding stopped. Let me tell you, that was a long, restless night!
Thursday morning, we drove the hour to the clinic, had the blood drawn and then went shopping, trying to distract us from the 2+ hour wait to hear our results. Just before noon, we drove to Chipotle (our favorite lunch spot in Syracuse) and had just pulled into the parking lot when Teah called. (She's our favorite nurse; she's not usually the one to make such phone calls, but she was excited to give us our news, so they let her call.) When she told us that the test was positive, we both sat there and cried. M had more faith than I did, but we were both incredibly grateful for a positive result. (Then I went home and POASed because I wanted to see what a positive actually looked like!)
We kept the news quiet for a few days (except for my post on here to clue all you EA ladies in). We drove to Rochester to meet my mom for dinner and gave her a picture frame that said "Grandkids are life's greatest blessing." In the frame, we had pics of the embryos, the ultrasound when they were transferred and the positive pregnancy test. It took her a while to catch on, but it was a priceless moment.
The next day, we celebrated my FIL and BIL's birthday. My in-laws have 10 grandchildren, and for each one, they have little wooden picture frame from the state fair with the kid's name and picture. 2 years ago, when M and I started TTCing, we bought one that said "baby" and have saved it all this time, as a way to announce our pregnancy. We put the pic of the embryos, along with a pic of the positive test, in that frame and gave it to dad as a birthday gift. Everyone watched him try to figure out what it was. Finally, M said "that little stick says that we're pregnant." That was a sweet moment too!
Even as we were announcing our pregnancy to our family, I was still hesitant to believe that I was actually pregnant, or that the pregnancy was going to last. (It was SO early.) Finally on Monday, I had a second beta, that should have quadrupled since it was 4 days later. It jumped from 52 to 378!!! So, now I'm confident that I'm really pregnant! Stuff could still go wrong, but I'm choosing not to focus on that. I need to have faith that God has good things in store for us. M is calling 2011 our 'year of blessing.' (The last year and a half has been really rough for us; infertility was just one part of our struggle.)
God promises that 'sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.' I think morning has arrived! My goal is to "be joyful always" throughout this next year. Already, this pregnancy hasn't been a picnic (we had a really bad progesterone shot the other day, leaving me with a limp) but I'm so grateful for God's blessings in our lives. I think I'm afraid to believe that God has good things for us. Oh, I know that God's will is always good, but it's not usually what I see as good at the moment. I know that God wants to bring Himself glory, and that He wants to grow me, and I willingly accepts the necessary trials as from His hand. I want God to be glorified in my life, even if it's hard at the moment. I easily believe that whatever we're going through will be Good, later. It's hard to believe that God has good things for us right now. But He does! I'm pregnant. We get to adopt our family AND I get to be pregnant. Thank you God!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My new favorite number....
... so my new favorite number is 52. Though I'm hoping that tomorrow, I'll have an even newer, more favorite number that is at least DOUBLE that. That's all I'm saying right now.
(If you comment, please be vague.)
(If you comment, please be vague.)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Waiting, waiting, waiting
Waiting does funny things to your mind. It’s only been a week
since transfer, but I’ve run the full gamut of emotions. Sometimes
I’m hopeful; I start thinking that maybe I really am pregnant. But
that seems too good to be true. Then I think I’m probably not
pregnant – and I try to imagine how I’ll deal with that news. But
when people ask about summer plans (i.e. “are you going to work as a
raft guide this summer?”) I answer as if I’m not pregnant, but
secretly hoping that my answer isn’t accurate.
I’m so afraid of it getting a negative test. First of all,
there’s the disappointment. Then, there’s all the money we’ve
wasted. Most of all, what about all the people waiting to hear the
news. It’ll be like I’m letting them down. So many people think
it’s great that we’ve adopted embryos and they’re counting on the
test to be positive. A lot of people have faith that this will work and
I’ll be pregnant. I don’t want to be responsible for shattering
their faith. I don’t think I can bear sharing the news if it’s
negative. I’ll wonder if I did something wrong. (i.e. should I have
taken the PIO shot at the exact same time everyday?) And where will we
go from here? We don’t have other embryos. Our clinic doesn’t have
embryos. We’ll be starting all over.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that, but I think I tend
to react to optimism (everyone else’s) with a dose of pessimism (mine)
so balance it all out and be realistic. I think the scariest thing is
that, in a week, this whole journey could be over. We started
considering EA months and months ago. We’ve had the embryos since
November. We’ve been carrying this hope for so long – I’m not
sure I’m ready for it to end. Yesterday, I was defeated and
frustrated and my rear end is sore and I just wanted to quit – but
that was temporary. In reality, I don’t want this journey to end. I
think I’d rather stay in the 2WW forever, rather than face potentially
bad news.
I don’t know why I’m so negative. I’m not usually a
negative person. (Realistic, yes – negative, no.) I think I’m just
preparing myself for disappointment so that I’ll be pleasantly
surprised if we are successful. In the meantime, I just keep waiting.
There's enough other stuff going on in my life right now to keep me
distracted from the wait. Imagine how much I'd overthink if I had more
time! In the meantime, I need to choose hope over fear.
since transfer, but I’ve run the full gamut of emotions. Sometimes
I’m hopeful; I start thinking that maybe I really am pregnant. But
that seems too good to be true. Then I think I’m probably not
pregnant – and I try to imagine how I’ll deal with that news. But
when people ask about summer plans (i.e. “are you going to work as a
raft guide this summer?”) I answer as if I’m not pregnant, but
secretly hoping that my answer isn’t accurate.
I’m so afraid of it getting a negative test. First of all,
there’s the disappointment. Then, there’s all the money we’ve
wasted. Most of all, what about all the people waiting to hear the
news. It’ll be like I’m letting them down. So many people think
it’s great that we’ve adopted embryos and they’re counting on the
test to be positive. A lot of people have faith that this will work and
I’ll be pregnant. I don’t want to be responsible for shattering
their faith. I don’t think I can bear sharing the news if it’s
negative. I’ll wonder if I did something wrong. (i.e. should I have
taken the PIO shot at the exact same time everyday?) And where will we
go from here? We don’t have other embryos. Our clinic doesn’t have
embryos. We’ll be starting all over.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that, but I think I tend
to react to optimism (everyone else’s) with a dose of pessimism (mine)
so balance it all out and be realistic. I think the scariest thing is
that, in a week, this whole journey could be over. We started
considering EA months and months ago. We’ve had the embryos since
November. We’ve been carrying this hope for so long – I’m not
sure I’m ready for it to end. Yesterday, I was defeated and
frustrated and my rear end is sore and I just wanted to quit – but
that was temporary. In reality, I don’t want this journey to end. I
think I’d rather stay in the 2WW forever, rather than face potentially
bad news.
I don’t know why I’m so negative. I’m not usually a
negative person. (Realistic, yes – negative, no.) I think I’m just
preparing myself for disappointment so that I’ll be pleasantly
surprised if we are successful. In the meantime, I just keep waiting.
There's enough other stuff going on in my life right now to keep me
distracted from the wait. Imagine how much I'd overthink if I had more
time! In the meantime, I need to choose hope over fear.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Today, I'm carrying triplets!
I think I'm still in shock. M and I have been trying to start a family for nearly 2 years now, and today - I know for sure that there are 3 little embryos in my uterus. They are really there - I saw them myself on the ultrasound. (Well, I saw a little white blob of culture medium with the embryos in it - but they're in there.) It's such a cool feeling!
The transfer itself wasn't as smooth as I'd hoped, but the end result is that the embryos are where they're supposed to be. I was told not to empty my bladder for 1/2 hour before the appt. We stopped at a McD's about 45 min from the clinic so I could pee one last time. I was afraid of it being too empty, because I've head of other women who have had to have their bladders filled with a catheter b/c it wasn't full enough and I did not want that. We got to the clinic, and I already had to go again, so by the time they drew blood, got M and I all dressed in our surgical gear, discussed our embryos, etc - my tiny bladder was really full. (Funny side note, the booties didn't fit over M's feet, so he had to wear the surgical caps over his shoes - lol!) Anyway, my bladder was so full that it made it difficult for the doctor to see my uterus. Then he couldn't get the catheter where he wanted it. It's rather unsettling to look down and see the doc between your legs with his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. He ended up taking it all out, using an internal ultrasound, and starting over, but he finally got the embryos right where he wanted them. M took a picture of the ultrasound screen with the little blob on it.
We also have a great pic of our embabies too. The doctor said that one looks particularly strong, but the other 2 look good too. He wanted to make sure we were aware that triplets were a possibility (a 2% possibility.) We assured him that we knew the risks, but were choosing to err on the side of multiples as opposed to transferring 1 or 2 and not having it work.
We came home and I went to bed for a few hours; the valium must have worn me out. When I got up, M had cleaned up the living room, built a fire and was starting dinner. I laid around on the couch all day while he made me Shrimp Scampi over pasta. It was so good! I have an amazing husband. I'm so blessed.
I took tomorrow off from school tomorrow - I didn't want to be stressing over 7th graders the day after the transfer. I plan on laying around all day tomorrow too. I had big plans for getting some reading done while I'm laying around, but I haven't done anything yet. I need to let that go and work on relaxing. That's the doctor's order: to relax!
So, I guess we'll know in a two weeks if we're successful. Until then, I'm "pregnant until proven otherwise!!!"
The transfer itself wasn't as smooth as I'd hoped, but the end result is that the embryos are where they're supposed to be. I was told not to empty my bladder for 1/2 hour before the appt. We stopped at a McD's about 45 min from the clinic so I could pee one last time. I was afraid of it being too empty, because I've head of other women who have had to have their bladders filled with a catheter b/c it wasn't full enough and I did not want that. We got to the clinic, and I already had to go again, so by the time they drew blood, got M and I all dressed in our surgical gear, discussed our embryos, etc - my tiny bladder was really full. (Funny side note, the booties didn't fit over M's feet, so he had to wear the surgical caps over his shoes - lol!) Anyway, my bladder was so full that it made it difficult for the doctor to see my uterus. Then he couldn't get the catheter where he wanted it. It's rather unsettling to look down and see the doc between your legs with his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. He ended up taking it all out, using an internal ultrasound, and starting over, but he finally got the embryos right where he wanted them. M took a picture of the ultrasound screen with the little blob on it.
We also have a great pic of our embabies too. The doctor said that one looks particularly strong, but the other 2 look good too. He wanted to make sure we were aware that triplets were a possibility (a 2% possibility.) We assured him that we knew the risks, but were choosing to err on the side of multiples as opposed to transferring 1 or 2 and not having it work.
We came home and I went to bed for a few hours; the valium must have worn me out. When I got up, M had cleaned up the living room, built a fire and was starting dinner. I laid around on the couch all day while he made me Shrimp Scampi over pasta. It was so good! I have an amazing husband. I'm so blessed.
I took tomorrow off from school tomorrow - I didn't want to be stressing over 7th graders the day after the transfer. I plan on laying around all day tomorrow too. I had big plans for getting some reading done while I'm laying around, but I haven't done anything yet. I need to let that go and work on relaxing. That's the doctor's order: to relax!
So, I guess we'll know in a two weeks if we're successful. Until then, I'm "pregnant until proven otherwise!!!"
To my children
My dear embryonic children,
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:3-6)
Today is your big day! After 10 years of being ‘in limbo’ – being frozen in a tank – today, you have the opportunity to live and fulfill your purpose in sharing the gospel. It’s sad for me to think that, in giving you a chance to live, I’m also giving you a chance to die. You each have a purpose, and one or more of you may have already completed your purpose and will have the unique privilege of going on to Glory without ever being lost here on earth. Each of you have already partnered in sharing the gospel as we’ve talked about you, shared our hopes for you and placed our trust in God for your lives as well as ours. You have provided us hope and increased our faith. A community of believers is strengthened by your very existence. Together, we model God’s love: you are adopted into our family, just as all believers are adopted into God’s family. You are an incredible reminder to me that you can be used of God just by being His child. You don’t have to do anything, you just have to be who He created you to be. What a great lesson you’ve shared.
Of course, I hope that God has big plans for you here on earth. It would seem that He does – He has gone ahead of us and worked every step of this adoption out. We are humbled that God has chosen us to be your parents – to carry you, deliver you, and raise you to be the men and/or women that He designed. 10 years ago, you were created for ‘such a time as this.’ So, settle in. Get comfy. Plan on sticking around for the next nine months. I promise to make your new home the best environment that I possibly can for you. And know, as we do, that whatever happens, God will carry out this good work He’s begun in you.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
New Transfer Date!!
We have a date! At our appointment yesterday, the nurse said everything looked good and scheduled my Embryo transfer for this coming Wednesday (1/19)! I am so excited and nervous at the same time! My uterine lining was 7.5 or 8.4 (why are the measurements so different?) - I think that's on the lower end of the 'good' range, but the nurse was confident that it's fine. I wonder if it will continue to thicken as I'm on the Estrace for a while still. My bloodwork looked good this time, so we're all set! Wednesday is the big day! I'm so excited to have it on the calendar, but I'm still nervous and anxious about the procedure. I tried to convince M that I need a 'fertility massage' at the spa next door to the clinic, but there's no way to make that work logistically. Oh well, it was worth a try!
I started the progesterone today, too. I'm using both Crinone (vaginal gel) and Progesterone-in-oil (PIO - injections.) M gave me my first shot today. He feels like doing this for me is one way he can be involved in getting me pregnant. He was really nervous about it, but was trying not to let it show. (He made all kinds of jokes about looking forward to 'shooting me in the butt,' but really - he was afraid of hurting me.) I got the syringe all ready and handed it to him; he stared for a minute before asking "how far does this go in?" (The needle is long and it goes all the way in - lol.) He was a trouper though - he did a great job! I think it was much more difficult for him than for me - needles are no big deal for me. He'll be more relaxed now, I think, after seeing that the injection doesn't really inflict pain on me. Well, the needle doesn't - my muscle is sore now, but I'll get used to it. I swim a few mornings a week - perhaps if I increase to everyday, using those butt muscles to swim will help disperse the oil and minimize the ache. We'll see. (It means I leave the house at 5:30am - I don't know if committed enough to do that everyday.)
So, keep us in your prayers - especially Wednesday morning!
I started the progesterone today, too. I'm using both Crinone (vaginal gel) and Progesterone-in-oil (PIO - injections.) M gave me my first shot today. He feels like doing this for me is one way he can be involved in getting me pregnant. He was really nervous about it, but was trying not to let it show. (He made all kinds of jokes about looking forward to 'shooting me in the butt,' but really - he was afraid of hurting me.) I got the syringe all ready and handed it to him; he stared for a minute before asking "how far does this go in?" (The needle is long and it goes all the way in - lol.) He was a trouper though - he did a great job! I think it was much more difficult for him than for me - needles are no big deal for me. He'll be more relaxed now, I think, after seeing that the injection doesn't really inflict pain on me. Well, the needle doesn't - my muscle is sore now, but I'll get used to it. I swim a few mornings a week - perhaps if I increase to everyday, using those butt muscles to swim will help disperse the oil and minimize the ache. We'll see. (It means I leave the house at 5:30am - I don't know if committed enough to do that everyday.)
So, keep us in your prayers - especially Wednesday morning!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I hate uncertainty!
So far things have been going really well this cycle. I'm on the Estrace 3x a day - and I haven't had any side effects. I don't even think I'm extra-emotional or irritable. (Of course, my husband might disagree - lol.) But really, I haven't had that whole "I'm-so-frustrated-for-no-good-reason-and-I-can't-control-my-emotions" feeling. (That happened just once last time - and it always happens right before I get my period. I hate giving in to emotions!) This part of the protocol has been really easy - as long as I remember that middle pill each day!
I go back Friday for a lining check and blood work. Then they'll schedule my transfer. (I'll also start the progesterone shots then; that part of the protocol may not be so easy - we didn't get that far last time.) But really, I'm just eager to know which day my transfer will be. I'm a planner. And I'm a teacher - which makes planning really important. I keep switching my lesson plans around to accommodate my appointments in an effort to leave sub-friendly plans. (Last time, I had a retired Science teacher for a sub - who loves teaching genetics as much as I do - so he got my class way off topic and didn't make it through my plans. I'm OK with that, I'm just sad I missed the off-topic conversation. I swear, I just say the words "sperm and egg" and the random questions come flying. But, they are 12 - who else can ask and get legitimate answers? I actually love this part of my job.)
Ok, speaking of off topic conversations.... .... my point was that I'm trying to plan around my transfer day so I have an easy lesson for the sub - but I don't know what day that'll be yet. I just want to know! On another note: how much and how long did you EA ladies rest after your embryo transfer? My clinic just says "take it easy" for the rest of the day. I think I'd like to lay around horizontally for the rest of the day and perhaps the next day too. Is that reasonable, or unnecessary? The nurse said I could go back to exercising right away - I can even do Zumba if I keep it low impact for a while. (I do NOT plan on doing that, for the record.) Does anyone have advice?
I'll post again Friday, when I know my transfer date. I'm so eager to find out - partly because it's just so exciting - and partly b/c I had the uncertainly of not knowing my schedule!
I go back Friday for a lining check and blood work. Then they'll schedule my transfer. (I'll also start the progesterone shots then; that part of the protocol may not be so easy - we didn't get that far last time.) But really, I'm just eager to know which day my transfer will be. I'm a planner. And I'm a teacher - which makes planning really important. I keep switching my lesson plans around to accommodate my appointments in an effort to leave sub-friendly plans. (Last time, I had a retired Science teacher for a sub - who loves teaching genetics as much as I do - so he got my class way off topic and didn't make it through my plans. I'm OK with that, I'm just sad I missed the off-topic conversation. I swear, I just say the words "sperm and egg" and the random questions come flying. But, they are 12 - who else can ask and get legitimate answers? I actually love this part of my job.)
Ok, speaking of off topic conversations.... .... my point was that I'm trying to plan around my transfer day so I have an easy lesson for the sub - but I don't know what day that'll be yet. I just want to know! On another note: how much and how long did you EA ladies rest after your embryo transfer? My clinic just says "take it easy" for the rest of the day. I think I'd like to lay around horizontally for the rest of the day and perhaps the next day too. Is that reasonable, or unnecessary? The nurse said I could go back to exercising right away - I can even do Zumba if I keep it low impact for a while. (I do NOT plan on doing that, for the record.) Does anyone have advice?
I'll post again Friday, when I know my transfer date. I'm so eager to find out - partly because it's just so exciting - and partly b/c I had the uncertainly of not knowing my schedule!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Starting Over - already
Wow - that came fast! Just 2 weeks ago, I found out my FET cycle was cancelled and already, we're in attempt #2. The time just flew by - I guess I was thinking about how it would be next month, but really, it was just the rest of the month I had to wait out before starting again. Maybe it was due to Christmas vacation or the craziness of going back to work with squirrel-y 7th graders that made it all go so fast. Whatever the cause, I was shocked yesterday when AF ("aunt flow" - aka, my period) showed up. I guess I knew it would be sometime around this weekend, but still - it came so fast. I guess after TTC (trying to conceive) for 15 months, a few weeks' wait seem practically negligible.
So, here we go. Yesterday, AF showed up. We called the clinic this morning and then we each had to scramble to leave work early to get to the clinic (over an hour away) before they closed. We did the baseline stuff (B/W and U/S) again, got instructions to start Estrace tomorrow and... we're off. This time they put me on Estrace 3x a day - which is their normal protocol. Last time, they started with a lower dose to stretch the cycle out but it wasn't enough to prevent ovulation. The nurses assured me that this time would be different. AND, they are going to monitor me more frequently. I go back in 7 days for another U/S and B/W. They'll tentatively set a transfer date at that time. I'm so excited to be starting again - moving forward - making progress - it feels so productive!
On another note, I ended up talking to both of my administrators about our infertility. The assistant principal was super compassionate, as I'd thought he'd be. He said he knows what that's like; he and his wife had some fertility struggles, but they are on the other side of it now. (She's due any day now.) Then today, I had to tell my principal too. A last-minute doctor's appointment on a Friday afternoon is not the most believable scenario. So I told her we were having 'fertility issues' and that meant that I'd need subs often in the next few weeks, even last minute occasionally. I explained that sometimes, I'd ask for a sub in advance and then not need it, as in the cancelled 'procedure' over break. (I didn't go into EA or any specific details.) Surprisingly, she was GREAT. She was understanding, and happy for us that we're trying to start our family and sorry for us that it's not working out yet. She's willing to be flexible as things come up and told me I can text her anytime to request/cancel substitutes. Really, I was surprised. I thought she'd put on her 'supportive face' and then remind me that education of our students comes first. But she didn't. She really was genuinely supportive. So that's a relief. I don't need to be apprehensive about taking time off in the coming weeks.
So - YAY - our cycle has begin. This should be THE cycle. About a month from now, I could know if any of those frozen, microscopic humans are the children that God intended for us. I am continually amazed at how God goes ahead of us and prepares a path for us. Even with last month's 'setback' - this process has been nothing but smooth and peaceful. Thank you, God, for your Providence!
So, here we go. Yesterday, AF showed up. We called the clinic this morning and then we each had to scramble to leave work early to get to the clinic (over an hour away) before they closed. We did the baseline stuff (B/W and U/S) again, got instructions to start Estrace tomorrow and... we're off. This time they put me on Estrace 3x a day - which is their normal protocol. Last time, they started with a lower dose to stretch the cycle out but it wasn't enough to prevent ovulation. The nurses assured me that this time would be different. AND, they are going to monitor me more frequently. I go back in 7 days for another U/S and B/W. They'll tentatively set a transfer date at that time. I'm so excited to be starting again - moving forward - making progress - it feels so productive!
On another note, I ended up talking to both of my administrators about our infertility. The assistant principal was super compassionate, as I'd thought he'd be. He said he knows what that's like; he and his wife had some fertility struggles, but they are on the other side of it now. (She's due any day now.) Then today, I had to tell my principal too. A last-minute doctor's appointment on a Friday afternoon is not the most believable scenario. So I told her we were having 'fertility issues' and that meant that I'd need subs often in the next few weeks, even last minute occasionally. I explained that sometimes, I'd ask for a sub in advance and then not need it, as in the cancelled 'procedure' over break. (I didn't go into EA or any specific details.) Surprisingly, she was GREAT. She was understanding, and happy for us that we're trying to start our family and sorry for us that it's not working out yet. She's willing to be flexible as things come up and told me I can text her anytime to request/cancel substitutes. Really, I was surprised. I thought she'd put on her 'supportive face' and then remind me that education of our students comes first. But she didn't. She really was genuinely supportive. So that's a relief. I don't need to be apprehensive about taking time off in the coming weeks.
So - YAY - our cycle has begin. This should be THE cycle. About a month from now, I could know if any of those frozen, microscopic humans are the children that God intended for us. I am continually amazed at how God goes ahead of us and prepares a path for us. Even with last month's 'setback' - this process has been nothing but smooth and peaceful. Thank you, God, for your Providence!
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